i am trying to recall what were the last words my father and i shared, not knowing then that they will be the last words. it was back in college and i was in school. my first class just finished and it was timely when he called over the (cell)phone. it was christmas season. he was happily sharing how my two younger siblings were with him at his workplace to join the christmas celebration. i can't recall if i had plans of going home, back in the province, to celebrate christmas day with my father and with the rest of the family. the decision to go back home on holidays is not always a practical and financially-sound decision at the time. what i do know was i was thrilled for my father and my siblings and there was a tinge of envy on my part while i listen to his story.

until i was forced to go home, because unknown to us, those were the last verbal exchanges that we will ever get to share.


nine years in, and i am still engulfed with both fond memories and palpable sadness. whenever i talk about you. whenever i think about you.

and i think about you more today than any other day. because you, of all people, are my favorite person to share my innermost thoughts and fears. i wonder what a father has to say to a hurting daughter.

fin

“You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.”

Excerpt From: Strayed, Cheryl. “Tiny Beautiful Things.”

break-up is not the operative word to use in my reality here as it wasn't a committed, honest thing. neither is love, but it was a lot like it.

and if there is one thing authentic about this whole pathetic fiasco, it is the breaking of one's own heart, no holds barred and being brave about it. even if it costed me my pride and my ego. 

family

once in a while, life will give you an extraordinary challenge. and sometimes, it will require the full participation of every one of your loved ones. because that's how best you will handle it, that's how well you will understand why you came into this world with a family by your side.


i am proud of my family and of myself for deliberately focusing on the good, the upside, the beauty of it. every situation has its bad side. but we can choose which side we want to magnify. it was a turbulent ride and we would have fallen to some unfathomable abyss had we not hold on real tight. where did we hold onto exactly?


in our faith. in our strength. in each other.


ever since the incident, my prayers remain the same: thank You for Your well-orchestrated plans, for sending the right people at the right time, for giving us a heart that is both tough and tender - one that understands, for intensifying our love for one another.


we may have lost things along the way, but they're replaceable. we gained so much more in exchange anyway. most importantly, the lessons are priceless, the kind of lessons we wouldn't just get from everyday ordinary experiences.

close to midnight thoughts...

i rarely contemplate on anything lately. life's been somehow mechanical. i don't do anything significant or out of ordinary to make my every day a little bit interesting. but the part i'm glad about, my heart's steady. i'm back to being cerebral. i don't remember when exactly was the last time i found something upsetting, so much that it became hard to breathe or the last time my heart beat wildly.

i prayed briefly tonight, particularly for that patient admitted to the intermediate care ward and for my colleague who i think i offended this morning and for my friend's relative who met an accident yesterday. may his soul rest in peace.

for the rest of the night, i thought about tatay. i wonder how his soul is. i wonder how life would be like if he were still alive. i know it's nonsense. but i do have crazy thoughts like this. i'm certain there are things i would have done differently or some i wouldn't have done at all. like getting tattoos. he didn't approve of my two piercings on one ear when i had them in high school. (but he thought it was pretty brave of me to have poked my ear to get that extra hole myself).

i wonder how it would be like to have a wise father at this age and time. i would have received plenty of life lessons and pieces of advice. we should have had a lot of sensible conversations and some silly ones.

the other night i also must be thinking of him before i go to sleep that i dreamt of him. in that dream, he's alive and a distant family member told us that she has a premonition that tatay will die. i remember hugging him, not wanting him to go anywhere so he's just safe with us at home. but in that dream, i suddenly became aware that i am just dreaming, that tatay is not alive, that me hugging him is just part of the dream.

and i woke up.