rain.

what i want to happen: i'll walk in the rain on my way home.

what actually happened: i ran in the rain on my way to my tutorial.

so i showed up wet, dripping and freezing to my students.

i have several options to prevent this from happening. one, i could have waited for the rain to stop before i go on walking. two, i could have hailed a cab since i was stranded in a place just a few meters away from the condo, which means i wouldn't have to spend so much for taxi being an anti-taxi person that i am. third, i could have asked for a favor from a passerby to spare me a little space under his/her umbrella. i could have done any of these except that one, i don't want to be late for my class, two, i didn't bring spare cash for cab fare, and third, i'm too proud to ask for a favor from a stranger on a strange night.

intentionally, i left my umbrella at home thinking i would love to walk in the rain on my way home any night this week. i forgot to take into consideration this other walk i take everyday--the 12-minute brisk walk from megamall to my students' condo unit.

so yes, this is a semi-planned occurrence.

..and i still wish to walk in the rain on my way home anytime soon ;)

love. (what else.)

8 years.

i fell in love for the first time 8 years ago.
who would have thought i'll fall in love again 8 years after.

and who would have thought that he'll be the same man.


ours wasn't a steady love affair. though eight-year term was awesome, it was an on-and-off thing.

when we separated ways almost two years ago, i vowed to myself never to fall for him again. i promised it will be for good. i had all the share of heartaches i needed. i learned all i needed to learn. i've grown and matured into a strong woman that i am now. i was doing okay, and not long after that, i was healed and emotionally whole again. i started welcoming the possibility of having a brandnew lover. someone completely new, someone who'll love me and i'll love back truly, madly, deeply.


..only to find myself comparing, wondering why i'm not feeling the way i felt for him.


i waited patiently, and sometimes impatiently, for the right love to come. only to realize that the right love i'm desperately looking for is the love i lost long before.


so this is for alvin ray joseph amacio, the love i found, lost, and found once more.
for the man i happily fall in-out-and-in love with again.
how many people are ever given that chance? To have someone you fall in love with over and over again?



and i realized, no matter how hard you try to escape and get away from that one great love, it will always pull you in...

...just like how i was pulled back in.

updates.

there have been a lot of "going's-on" recently. 


most recently, and by that i mean just 41 minutes ago, i changed my relationship status on facebook. the request has been sent a month or so ago, and believe you me, i started contemplating on that matter since. whether to click "confirm," leave it hanging there, or ignore it completely.


and so we had a deal. he did his part, i had to do mine. but more than that i think what influenced me the most was timmy's FB status for today:


‎"At the end of it all, we have friends who'll get drunk and wild with us, who'll make us realize how stupid we were, who'll make us laugh about the things we cried about, and who'll still love us for always doing what we think is right and love--and that includes loving people who they think we don't deserve..." That is why I have a lot of other reasons to smile and be happy... ^^"



i ain't a celebrity or something, but i know right after the update is being broadcast to newsfeed, friends will have their reactions, violent or otherwise. some friends may approve, others will disapprove, but i wouldn't and couldn't love them any less because of that. 


it's not as if i'm getting married or anything, so i stop all the fuss right here. :)          
                                                                                                                 
quite recently too, yesterday particularly, i finally went to the job interview for singapore gig. the night before, things are starting to dawn on me, and i felt a heavy sinking feeling. for several minutes i let the lonesomeness rush in and i let myself sob a little. i'm leaving for real. i'm about to start a new life somewhere out there, without the comfort of family and friends i know so well. 


i know i'm starting the drama way too early since i still have a month, and maybe a couple of weeks of stay. it's just that i guess, the fact that i'm leaving for two years is a bit overwhelming for me. 


2 years. yet, before we notice it, it's spent and gone. 

...on simplicity and greatness.

i have a confession to make.

this may be less shocking now because i think i've been showing signs ever since.

i am simple and i want to lead a simple life. 

well, maybe not simple simple, but simple just the same.
it dawned on me as a gentle surprise when timmy and i were exchanging updates and news one rainy day on our reunion.

for the first part we were sort of arguing. we probably missed each other too much that we started our reunion that way. knowing her and the brain she carries with her, i readied myself for such thing to happen. she asked me what my plans are, and she didn't really approve them. i know she is one great friend that's why she's acting the way she does. her mind can't conceive that i'm just doing what i'm doing and i'm planning what i'm planning.

who, exactly, should tell you the right way to live your life?

she asked me, "bakit ka pa nag-aral sa UP?" to which i snapped, "kasalanan ko bang nakapasa ako dun?"

here's the thing. UP was never my dream. truth is, i didn't have any inkling how prestigious it is until professors kept on drilling into our then-little heads how proud we must be because we are the cream of the crop. i didn't completely buy that idea. if i can just give the chance to those who really dream of it, i will.

i don't need the UP background to be great. (although i admit it has its conveniences and i enjoy them.) i wouldn't be trapped to the pressures given to UP graduates. i don't have to be on top of the corporate ladder to be successful. yes, i once dreamed to be there, but not anymore.

timmy, a little disappointed, asked me where did all my dreams go.

i just shrugged. i know i never stopped dreaming. most dreams changed, yes, but i hold on to them tightly and i have never let them go.

what i want is simple: to do something i would look forward to waking up to. something i could put all the commitment and love i am ever capable of giving, like i always do, regardless of the job title, and whether or not it meets the UP ideals. 

i'm certain i'd be great wherever i go.

i think i know what i want in life. i have my eyes fixed on my goals. i may still want the same things two years, five years or even ten years from now, maybe not.  

i simply enjoy the process of becoming.