work-wise

yesterday, i went for a job interview. 

i received a call prior to that the day before. it was from the company i applied to a month ago -- december, last year. actually, i sent multiple applications and resumes to several other companies last year. i did so for many reasons. for one, but not necessarily the main one, i miss dressing up and i want to do so every day of my life. wearing an issued company uniform, i feel, limits my freedom of expression. i dream of walking around the city in my high heels (like the good old days back home), seeing other young professionals, tall and proud and sometimes stressed out. i missed that kind of vibe. also, i want to find a job that has nothing much to do with team effort. i want to work solo, independently, without the need to consider the efficiency, or lack of it, of anybody. it drives me nuts when one or several others in the team don't do things as swiftly and as accurately as i do. and i thought, for as long as i feel disturbed by all these, i want to find my way out...

in the beginning of this year though, after i promised myself to change my perspective and to let go of the things i definitely don't have control over, i was given extra tasks -- more responsibility, i'm glad! the busier i am, the happier i become. and, thank heavens, there were significant changes in our work benefits and incentives.

so when i received that phonecall, i was half-hearted. the night before the interview, i made a mental note of the advantages i have now and the advantages that i will have should i accept the new job. (yes, i am that confident that the interview will just be a walk in the park). i prayed for discernment. and i questioned my already questionable issues at work. are they valid? are they grounds enough to leave? am i willing to give up my awesome work-life balance -- the sufficient time and energy to go to the gym after, or the nearby swimming complex or simply to watch movies and rewatch Friends on my laptop, and to continue with my baking lessons with google and youtube? can my heart afford losing the luxury of the 10-minute walk from home to work?

it was a battle between comfortability and opportunity. half-hearted as i was, i still went for the interview. i want to make sure i'm right about how i weighed the pros and cons, to make sure that whichever choice i settle with, it's the better, wiser one.


so i chose. my guess is that i'll continue to choose comfort, until something way better comes along.


you know one of the really great things about my current job? there is no daunting need to work overtime. and the least that i would want for myself is to be overworked.


work is one thing. but life after work is one more thing. and i'm really, truly grateful that i derive fulfilment from both, more especially from life after work.

on new year's resolutions

well, i still believe in them and every year i still make a list.

i remember i told myself i will try to write more blogposts more often last year. try and fail, i did. i have more drafts than published posts. yet it's fine by me.

this year, the main point of my resolutions revolve around my attitude - to work, to friends, to family, to people i have everyday dealings with. and it is this: to tame my inner demon.



i'd like to start my life, from the 27th year onwards, to live in the world with very little to distress or vex me.

do you like you?

have you heard of colbie calliat's song, try? if you haven't yet, i encourage you to try, find it and listen to it.

i first heard this song in the subway, sung so beautifully and emotionally by a middle-aged gypsy-looking woman, made even more beautiful by the guitar accompaniment of her husband. i'm just guessing that was her husband. they just look so connected and happy doing music together. they seem to share something that will make you wish you have someone to share that something with too.

initially, it was only the melody that caught me. what actually got me stuck to the ground i was standing on was the lyrics. never mind the errand i was supposed to rush that day. there were a few people who stopped for a while to listen, to drop a two-dollar bill or coins to the hat they laid on the floor. but i remained to be their sole audience up until the song came to an end.

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you


i clapped so enthusiastically after she sang the last line, and thinking and feeling it was not enough, i walked up to her saying, "it's beautiful." she seemed pleased to hear that. but i am the one more pleased as i received a free treat from the world by simply staying there, listening to them.

we don't have to try so hard. we don't have to change a single thing.

although the song apparently tells us to love our physical self, be it balding, wrinkled, freckled or dark-skinned, in a much deeper sense, it is the person beyond the face that stares back at us in the mirror that we should really like and love.

the very things that i like about myself are the same things that make me hate me. i often wish i am not perfectionist and that i don't care too much about the things and people i care about. because when things go awry, it frustrates me hugely. it keeps me up all night. it drains me and dries me up. it makes me less happy. i hate it that my brain is wired this way!

but i wouldn't be uniquely me if not for these qualities. i sure do need some rechannelling of energy and reconsider the things that matter and prune out those that don't and adapt a certain degree of nonchalance for things trivial and insignificant -- without totally foregoing the imperfect perfectionist i was designed to be, without having to let go of the human being in me that cares deeply.


i'm trying not to try so hard. and i like myself a little more each day. loving me better, always better than yesterday.

madness (the bad kind)

there is a good kind of madness. like how truly, deeply, madly you (and i) should love. it's the same madness that only genius people possess, those who go against the current, those who disregard the status quo, those who believe they can change the world into a much better place. (because they actually can).

but that's not what i'm going to talk about.

i'll talk about the bad one because i had plenty of that today, yesterday and some days before that. everyday actually. every single day, there will be strangers and (sometimes) friends who can potentially turn your mood into a sour one. i don't get these people. i wonder what benefit they get by being rude to others even when you do no harm to them. i wonder how comfortable it is to them that they bring discomfort to another human being. sometimes, i make the mistake of letting these people rob the enthusiasm off me. but most of the time, all i ever have to do is inhale and exhale heavily and repeatedly and remind myself how beautiful i am to ever waste a moment of creasing my forehead and turning my smile into a very ugly frown. i don't know if that works for you, but it does for me. instantly, i relax, breathe easy and brush off the bad experience. so much about vanity.

vanity (and kidding) aside, there is really no point holding on to madness for so long. maybe, that person did not really intend to get you mad. maybe he/she just had a bad breakup, or a terrible experience at home, or a horrible childhood. it could also be because he/she is just naturally rude and evil. (i really hope not. but it doesn't matter). point is, this person's attitude is something we don't have a control over. but we can control our reaction.

sometimes, i just smile and walk away. other times, i let out a loud crisp curse inside a closed elevator, (i make sure i'm alone, of course). i react differently depending on the severity of the case. but similarly, i only allow myself to stay mad for no more than fifteen minutes.


in the future, my goal is to lessen it to five.