missing home tonight.

i looked at my brother's and sister's and nanay's most recent pictures tonight. and it's apparent that they are months older, more than half a year even, without me around.

i looked at nanay's face. though she has that distinct awkward childlike grin in her face there is no denying that she's not getting any younger. what with another year added to her just five days ago.

i wonder how many OFWs braved it and survived it. the challenge of being away from their loved ones. i wonder how alvin's mom successfully go through it year after year after year. it must be easier for me since i am just a sister and a daughter. but not to her. she's a mother. and leaving behind her son at a very fragile state as a baby, not being able to watch him grow, not being there when he uttered his first word, when he walked his first step, when he had his first crush--it must be excruciatingly painful to her. the vacations on a yearly or every other year's basis with it's days numbered is pretty much the best they can claim, hoping it can somehow compensate to the years that passed them by.

nothing in the world can quite appease me on moments like this, when i miss my family more strongly than ever. sure, there is easy access of twitter and facebook and phonecalls to bridge the gap and to somehow heal one's homesickness. still, all these bridges only prove effective and helpful for a few couple of hours. after it runs out its effect, it leaves me missing them more.

i'm actually not really happy about not attending my brother's graduation and not being personally there to talk to him about his plans and actions after that. i wish i can be right there where he is to offer him the best encouragement that i can give.

truth is, i can easily file a vacation leave and fly back home if i wish to see them. only that i'm starting to allocate most of what i have to a future i'm starting to create.

for now, i have to muster a great deal of self-control to not impulsively and recklessly go home. i have to steer clear on that. the next time i'll be home, it's gonna be well-planned and i'll be all ready. it won't only be a 5-day vacation but a longer stay i hope. and i'll make the most of it.

i promised to attend my youngest sister's graduation next year (like how i promised my brother). but the odds will be better then and this time, i'll be able to fulfill it.

and along with this clear plan, i also promise myself that when i get to have my own family in the future, i wouldn't be unavailable and distant to my kids and husband. i won't, by all means, allow it. because life, i learned, is too short and precious to be away from your loved ones. and many times there are special moments with them (you wish) you wouldn't miss for the world.