i am trying to recall what were the last words my father and i shared, not knowing then that they will be the last words. it was back in college and i was in school. my first class just finished and it was timely when he called over the (cell)phone. it was christmas season. he was happily sharing how my two younger siblings were with him at his workplace to join the christmas celebration. i can't recall if i had plans of going home, back in the province, to celebrate christmas day with my father and with the rest of the family. the decision to go back home on holidays is not always a practical and financially-sound decision at the time. what i do know was i was thrilled for my father and my siblings and there was a tinge of envy on my part while i listen to his story.

until i was forced to go home, because unknown to us, those were the last verbal exchanges that we will ever get to share.


nine years in, and i am still engulfed with both fond memories and palpable sadness. whenever i talk about you. whenever i think about you.

and i think about you more today than any other day. because you, of all people, are my favorite person to share my innermost thoughts and fears. i wonder what a father has to say to a hurting daughter.

fin

“You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.”

Excerpt From: Strayed, Cheryl. “Tiny Beautiful Things.”

break-up is not the operative word to use in my reality here as it wasn't a committed, honest thing. neither is love, but it was a lot like it.

and if there is one thing authentic about this whole pathetic fiasco, it is the breaking of one's own heart, no holds barred and being brave about it. even if it costed me my pride and my ego. 

family

once in a while, life will give you an extraordinary challenge. and sometimes, it will require the full participation of every one of your loved ones. because that's how best you will handle it, that's how well you will understand why you came into this world with a family by your side.


i am proud of my family and of myself for deliberately focusing on the good, the upside, the beauty of it. every situation has its bad side. but we can choose which side we want to magnify. it was a turbulent ride and we would have fallen to some unfathomable abyss had we not hold on real tight. where did we hold onto exactly?


in our faith. in our strength. in each other.


ever since the incident, my prayers remain the same: thank You for Your well-orchestrated plans, for sending the right people at the right time, for giving us a heart that is both tough and tender - one that understands, for intensifying our love for one another.


we may have lost things along the way, but they're replaceable. we gained so much more in exchange anyway. most importantly, the lessons are priceless, the kind of lessons we wouldn't just get from everyday ordinary experiences.

close to midnight thoughts...

i rarely contemplate on anything lately. life's been somehow mechanical. i don't do anything significant or out of ordinary to make my every day a little bit interesting. but the part i'm glad about, my heart's steady. i'm back to being cerebral. i don't remember when exactly was the last time i found something upsetting, so much that it became hard to breathe or the last time my heart beat wildly.

i prayed briefly tonight, particularly for that patient admitted to the intermediate care ward and for my colleague who i think i offended this morning and for my friend's relative who met an accident yesterday. may his soul rest in peace.

for the rest of the night, i thought about tatay. i wonder how his soul is. i wonder how life would be like if he were still alive. i know it's nonsense. but i do have crazy thoughts like this. i'm certain there are things i would have done differently or some i wouldn't have done at all. like getting tattoos. he didn't approve of my two piercings on one ear when i had them in high school. (but he thought it was pretty brave of me to have poked my ear to get that extra hole myself).

i wonder how it would be like to have a wise father at this age and time. i would have received plenty of life lessons and pieces of advice. we should have had a lot of sensible conversations and some silly ones.

the other night i also must be thinking of him before i go to sleep that i dreamt of him. in that dream, he's alive and a distant family member told us that she has a premonition that tatay will die. i remember hugging him, not wanting him to go anywhere so he's just safe with us at home. but in that dream, i suddenly became aware that i am just dreaming, that tatay is not alive, that me hugging him is just part of the dream.

and i woke up.

work-wise

yesterday, i went for a job interview. 

i received a call prior to that the day before. it was from the company i applied to a month ago -- december, last year. actually, i sent multiple applications and resumes to several other companies last year. i did so for many reasons. for one, but not necessarily the main one, i miss dressing up and i want to do so every day of my life. wearing an issued company uniform, i feel, limits my freedom of expression. i dream of walking around the city in my high heels (like the good old days back home), seeing other young professionals, tall and proud and sometimes stressed out. i missed that kind of vibe. also, i want to find a job that has nothing much to do with team effort. i want to work solo, independently, without the need to consider the efficiency, or lack of it, of anybody. it drives me nuts when one or several others in the team don't do things as swiftly and as accurately as i do. and i thought, for as long as i feel disturbed by all these, i want to find my way out...

in the beginning of this year though, after i promised myself to change my perspective and to let go of the things i definitely don't have control over, i was given extra tasks -- more responsibility, i'm glad! the busier i am, the happier i become. and, thank heavens, there were significant changes in our work benefits and incentives.

so when i received that phonecall, i was half-hearted. the night before the interview, i made a mental note of the advantages i have now and the advantages that i will have should i accept the new job. (yes, i am that confident that the interview will just be a walk in the park). i prayed for discernment. and i questioned my already questionable issues at work. are they valid? are they grounds enough to leave? am i willing to give up my awesome work-life balance -- the sufficient time and energy to go to the gym after, or the nearby swimming complex or simply to watch movies and rewatch Friends on my laptop, and to continue with my baking lessons with google and youtube? can my heart afford losing the luxury of the 10-minute walk from home to work?

it was a battle between comfortability and opportunity. half-hearted as i was, i still went for the interview. i want to make sure i'm right about how i weighed the pros and cons, to make sure that whichever choice i settle with, it's the better, wiser one.


so i chose. my guess is that i'll continue to choose comfort, until something way better comes along.


you know one of the really great things about my current job? there is no daunting need to work overtime. and the least that i would want for myself is to be overworked.


work is one thing. but life after work is one more thing. and i'm really, truly grateful that i derive fulfilment from both, more especially from life after work.

on new year's resolutions

well, i still believe in them and every year i still make a list.

i remember i told myself i will try to write more blogposts more often last year. try and fail, i did. i have more drafts than published posts. yet it's fine by me.

this year, the main point of my resolutions revolve around my attitude - to work, to friends, to family, to people i have everyday dealings with. and it is this: to tame my inner demon.



i'd like to start my life, from the 27th year onwards, to live in the world with very little to distress or vex me.

do you like you?

have you heard of colbie calliat's song, try? if you haven't yet, i encourage you to try, find it and listen to it.

i first heard this song in the subway, sung so beautifully and emotionally by a middle-aged gypsy-looking woman, made even more beautiful by the guitar accompaniment of her husband. i'm just guessing that was her husband. they just look so connected and happy doing music together. they seem to share something that will make you wish you have someone to share that something with too.

initially, it was only the melody that caught me. what actually got me stuck to the ground i was standing on was the lyrics. never mind the errand i was supposed to rush that day. there were a few people who stopped for a while to listen, to drop a two-dollar bill or coins to the hat they laid on the floor. but i remained to be their sole audience up until the song came to an end.

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you


i clapped so enthusiastically after she sang the last line, and thinking and feeling it was not enough, i walked up to her saying, "it's beautiful." she seemed pleased to hear that. but i am the one more pleased as i received a free treat from the world by simply staying there, listening to them.

we don't have to try so hard. we don't have to change a single thing.

although the song apparently tells us to love our physical self, be it balding, wrinkled, freckled or dark-skinned, in a much deeper sense, it is the person beyond the face that stares back at us in the mirror that we should really like and love.

the very things that i like about myself are the same things that make me hate me. i often wish i am not perfectionist and that i don't care too much about the things and people i care about. because when things go awry, it frustrates me hugely. it keeps me up all night. it drains me and dries me up. it makes me less happy. i hate it that my brain is wired this way!

but i wouldn't be uniquely me if not for these qualities. i sure do need some rechannelling of energy and reconsider the things that matter and prune out those that don't and adapt a certain degree of nonchalance for things trivial and insignificant -- without totally foregoing the imperfect perfectionist i was designed to be, without having to let go of the human being in me that cares deeply.


i'm trying not to try so hard. and i like myself a little more each day. loving me better, always better than yesterday.

madness (the bad kind)

there is a good kind of madness. like how truly, deeply, madly you (and i) should love. it's the same madness that only genius people possess, those who go against the current, those who disregard the status quo, those who believe they can change the world into a much better place. (because they actually can).

but that's not what i'm going to talk about.

i'll talk about the bad one because i had plenty of that today, yesterday and some days before that. everyday actually. every single day, there will be strangers and (sometimes) friends who can potentially turn your mood into a sour one. i don't get these people. i wonder what benefit they get by being rude to others even when you do no harm to them. i wonder how comfortable it is to them that they bring discomfort to another human being. sometimes, i make the mistake of letting these people rob the enthusiasm off me. but most of the time, all i ever have to do is inhale and exhale heavily and repeatedly and remind myself how beautiful i am to ever waste a moment of creasing my forehead and turning my smile into a very ugly frown. i don't know if that works for you, but it does for me. instantly, i relax, breathe easy and brush off the bad experience. so much about vanity.

vanity (and kidding) aside, there is really no point holding on to madness for so long. maybe, that person did not really intend to get you mad. maybe he/she just had a bad breakup, or a terrible experience at home, or a horrible childhood. it could also be because he/she is just naturally rude and evil. (i really hope not. but it doesn't matter). point is, this person's attitude is something we don't have a control over. but we can control our reaction.

sometimes, i just smile and walk away. other times, i let out a loud crisp curse inside a closed elevator, (i make sure i'm alone, of course). i react differently depending on the severity of the case. but similarly, i only allow myself to stay mad for no more than fifteen minutes.


in the future, my goal is to lessen it to five.

quote of the day.

beautiful thought. this is something i personally believe in. this is exactly the reason why i don't quite agree with that line "what you don't know won't hurt you."

maybe i'm a masochist. i'm okay with pain. well, not really okay-okay, but it's something i can deal with. i don't mind the hurt because it's nothing compared to the liberating feeling that comes after. 

i'd rather know. everyday, i seek for truths. and it's the honest people that i value and respect the most.

when i felt it was too much, even when i was too stubborn to still fight, i let go. completely. totally. i died inside i suppose.

but i came back to life.

they say, we have to empty our hands so we can hold the blessings that are yet to come.

then this, after almost a year of calm seas and peaceful days, happened. unplanned. unexpected. something i didn't even pray for. but it's good. it's fun. it rocked the boat.

but this pain that followed, i dislike it. i won't take it. so maybe, i'm asked to empty my hands again. and shed a few tears in the process.

i never learned. i never even changed, for the better. and this is what frustrates me the most.

wise fathers are God's gift to mankind

there is an inspiring email circulating online written by the late DILG secretary jesse robredo to his daughter. the first time i read it, i was reminded of my own father. that's exactly how he motivates us, in his well-thought-of words of wisdom in mix english and tagalog. it was like reading his handwritten letters he sent me thru mail when i started college in manila. similar to his almost daily text messages (which unfortunately were not kept and saved) that aimed to keep me inspired and remembered. mr. robredo and my father think alike and talk alike. and i wonder if that really is a fatherly thing. maybe that's one requirement every father (or parent) should meet. encouraging.

unlike mr. robredo's daughter though, i never had the chance to heed tatay's advice when work started to burn me out, when i felt the need to find my rightful place in the society. my father died three months before i finish college. i would have heard more wise words from him. i would have been wiser in my decision-making. but i also believe that what he taught me with in all the steps i took prior to experiencing the usual issues of a young adult prepared me on what lies ahead.

when i was enrolling as a college freshman, i was among the minority of the group. in the entire taxing and daunting process of enrollment in a big university, not once did i have a parent or guardian beside me. the majority were accompanied by both or either one of their parents, from queuing up for registration, to medical exam, to application for scholarships. but his letters made me tougher, more independent, more self-assured that i can handle all things. that at a tender age of 16, i am a responsible adult, fully capable of making significant decisions, confident to speak to all the adults that surround me. when i only got shortlisted to the original course i chose and i was undecided on what other course to take instead, he didn't decide for me nor give me hints in any way. i was afraid that i will take something i may not finish in the end. but he told me that he trusts me and if i ever feel like i can't handle the course, i can decide to quit, shift or continue. when the need to decide arises, i will know what is best to do.

and he was right about that. and i think, in life, in order for us to become stronger, better versions of ourselves, we need somebody like that.

 

mystery is messy

a man greeted me bonjour and i replied hours later with bonsoir. he asked if i speak french. i said no, i googled it of course.

my friend snorted and told me i don't have any air of mystery in me. is that a bad thing? what is mystery for exactly?

mystery, to me, invites assumptions and interpretations that will either be an underestimation or an exaggeration, if not downright wrong. then you would need to make the necessary clarifications and break false impressions after. it's messy. it's troublesome. and i don't want any of that. if there is something we can do to make things clearer, lighter and much easier, why wouldn't we do it?

i am a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of woman. i won't keep a man guessing when my next mood swing will be. i don't like giving people a hard time thinking there is something more to the words i say. there are no undertones. i'm upfront and ridiculously straightforward. i like it like that, even though not everyone does. 

i am in no business sugarcoating hard to swallow bitter truths. i won't feign shrewdness over honesty. i won't pretend to know something i don't. i let my hair down and walk around with my strengths and vulnerabilities along with me. i don't keep so much pride in my body.

if one day soon i'm on to the dating scene, i'd like to establish honesty above everything else.

my favorite seasons

at some point in my childhood, i wished to live in a country where i can experience all four seasons: winter, spring, summer and fall. and i break into a song. that song. they all sound exciting. i even used to believe then that the people in the US are the luckier ones. they're lucky their world is lovelier, more colorful, and there are a whole lot of things to do in every season's transition.

i live and work in singapore for more than two years now -- a country three-hour plane ride away from my own. the seasons are no different. it could only be either sunny or rainy. that's all.

but there are actually more seasons in this world than those i already know, marvel and used to dream about. they are not only limited to physical, visual and superficial experiences. there is no way for me to enumerate or even put a name to all of them but what i do know is that it doesn't matter at all wherever country we are in.

this is the season of  perseverance, faithfulness and inspiring women, all three like puzzle pieces completing each other. i've seen how these women were robbed off of stability and comfort. i have seen them struggle, fight and believe that everything will pay off soon after, that every bad thing means something good is bound to happen. i have been very privileged to be a friend, to witness their journeys and hear their stories firsthand.

this is the season of answered prayers. the kind of answers that will make you believe ever more strongly that there is a God who listens and who knows exactly when to give in to our heart's plea. His timing doesn't always work to our convenience, it's something we don't often understand, but it's always right.

being kind over being right.

as much as i would like to keep my faith in humanity, there are days when doing so is just not easy.

i don't understand why some people prefer to give others a hard time when they can actually turn the situation around and be of help. i wonder how badly life has been treating them to always think of getting even.

i am not always good. there are days when pain and anger get the better of me that i intentionally refuse to be kind. there are days when i am so caught up by morning rush and busy life that i miss out the chances of helping others along the way. there are days when i feel rotten after passing by an old lady struggling to cross the street and i did nothing. there are times when i regret not letting someone share my umbrella with me when it's raining. days when i am so much in a hurry and i don't even have a minute to spare to do these random acts of kindness. days when i have alibis.

i am not always good. but i always try. because i've got nothing to lose.

some days, let's forget about the protocols and SOPs and parameters. life is not easy, but sometimes we are placed in a privileged part of making someone's life a little bit lighter. and even if at first you think you're doing them a favor, in the end you'll realize, the pleasure is actually yours. all yours.

you were my favorite crying shoulder.

some days, i don't need much. sometimes, all i need is just that.

kids at (my sister's) work.

remember the day when you graduated in kindergarten and you were obliged to step up the stage and say what you want to become when you grow up?

i wanted to become a teacher. but people change and so do dreams. i pursued something and became something else other than what i pursued all together.

i was reminded of that dream when i visited my preschool teacher sister at work yesterday. it was quick but i really had a swell time. there is just something about spending time with the kids. they make you feel young and alive and loved. i love it that most of them are welcoming, trusting and unafraid of people they only saw for the first time. they are even generous to give away free hugs and kisses. and they make you realize, without meaning to, that sometimes, in life, it won't hurt to be like a child and be young again.

 

the year that was and the year that is.

my friend and i kiss 2013 goodbye.

2013 is over and i can only look back to so many things that conspired to the year that was -- to friendships that just got stronger, to unceremonious goodbyes, to sincere forgiveness, to hopeful beginnings and lots of leaps of faith. if there's one big thing that sums up my entire 2013, it was that my faith was tested to its strongest. it was a crazy year and it drove me to the craziest i can ever be. but it was beautiful. i consider it the best year of my life by far.

now, i welcome the year that is, hoping that it will exceed every good thing about the past year. it's a tall order but of course it just got to be better.

my part in making it a better year, breaking last year's record, is by creating and commiting to new year's resolutions. i'm a big believer of new year's resolutions so here goes my list for 2014.

judge less. practice patience. smile more. commit to an exercise. save a lot. read more. write more -- believe that you're good at it. spend less time on internet. speak up. say things -- but don't gossip. be ridiculously straightforward -- and don't be sorry about it. get more first-time experiences. drink more water. indulge in sweet lattes. try a new hairstyle. give more -- give your all. help a stranger -- at least once a day. give genuine honest compliments -- without being an ass-kisser. welcome new people. make new close friends -- and keep the old ones closer. look out for inspiring people -- and stay away from the toxic ones. assert yourself. be brave. make mistakes -- and make sure you learn from them. cry hard. laugh harder -- laugh a lot. sing out loud -- let them stare. be carefree. be mad. dress up. think deep. be shallow. spend christmas at home. give thanks. give love. find love. be proactive. give chances -- and take chances. you'll never know what is until you give in.

and most importantly, keep the faith -- to anything and everything. in Him.

the essence of christmas

i love christmas. it's my favorite time of the year.

three christmasses passed with me being away from my family and really good friends from home. i celebrated those three times with different group of people each year. i think that's one more inconvenient thing about working abroad, it's hard to establish permanence. friends change jobs, residences and even relationship statuses. one good friend who i used to celebrate my first christmas here with (she's single then) celebrated christmas this year with her lover. unlike my family at home who will always be around, my foster family here changes almost every year. the past two christmasses were more comforting than the first since my elder sister is already working here in singapore too.

i miss celebrating christmas in the philippines and i very much look forward to christmas next year. i'm coming home for it. but this is not to say that i am not happy celebrating it here. i am thankful that the filipino community takes extra effort to make everyone of us feel home. catholic groups coordinated with different parishes here so we can still practice our tradition of simbang gabi. i saw from a friend's facebook post that she's also attending simbang gabi in dubai. the filipino spirit truly lives on wherever country we are in.

i know how much it means to celebrate this season with our real family. but growing up and growing old, it became rare and something we can only wish for. one of your parents or maybe both of them are working overseas for many years now, or like my family, one or more of your siblings are working abroad. you may all be separated and scattered all over the world, but it could be just temporary. you'll always have the chance to be together even for just one christmas someday if you all will it to happen. or if that can't really be possible, you can always make a phonecall or videocall. and you just have to make the most out of that.

my father died five days before christmas in 2008. this is the sixth christmas without him around. there is no christmas to look forward to that we are going to be a complete family, ever again.

celebrate this season to the fullest, enjoy the company of whoever you are with, remember what you have and do so with a thankful heart. focus on the good, on whatever is beautiful, on whatever it is that makes you smile, because what you focus on amplifies. and when you truly think of what you have, you'll realize you have so much, so much that it overflows, so much that you would want to reach out to others and give whatever you can give.

and that is the essence of christmas -- giving, forgiving and thanksgiving. 

spirit of christmas and the filipino spirit

it's almost Christmas and what follows shortly after that is the end of this year and the coming of the next. it's my third Christmas away from home. the third time that i'll be welcoming another year without my whole family around. i remember i was very emotional the first time -- younger and emotional. although i was surrounded by happy people and good friends, i knew i was lonely somehow.

i am not as emotional and as lonely now, but i promised myself i'll be home for Christmas next year. i want to feel again how much different it is celebrated there. i want to be enthralled by the good cheer that enfolds the entire country. i want to see the happy faces of my family and friends and even that of a stranger's. i want to experience how Christmas is a season of get-togethers, gift-giving and thanksgiving.

every year, a few months back before Christmas, our country experiences one terrible storm or two. we have it worst this year. and my heart bleeds for the victims. my abhorrence for the government officials who make it harder for the people to recover and bounce back faster gets stronger one news after another.

it's mind-boggling how filipinos remain resilient and faithful and how altruistic and giving ordinary men can be even with the selfishness and heartlessness of the privileged and powerful few.

generally, filipinos are beautiful people -- beautiful and strong. and i'd like to focus on them. i love seeing them whenever i go home. i want to see and feel their strength, positivism, resilience and faithfulness and take them all in. because, really, these are the very things that will keep you going when you're living and working in a faraway foreign country.

 

understanding death and something else

some news feel so surreal lately, they get my thoughts in total flux.

in a matter of six months, three of my highschool schoolmates died. two younger than me and one the same age as i am. accidents. all sudden. all young lives gone without a warning.

then there was this paul walker's story in the headlines. although i am not as affected by his death unlike the other deaths since i don't know him personally, it is equally untimely, unfortunate and appalling.

point is, life is short, even shorter than how we anticipated it to be. and i wonder if by any chance, they were ready. (i know, at such young age, it can't be possible. but who knows. maybe.) if at any time, they have loved mightily and have been loved back the same way. if they have lived their lives fully.

this life, no matter how interesting and amazing it is, we all know it can't go on forever. but we're all guilty of neglecting this part of our mortality.

we can't be too preoccuppied and allow the sun to set without really stopping for a while and enjoy the beauty of sunset (if it's your kind of thing, that is), thinking that tomorrow brings another sunrise and just another sunset, thinking that we have so many chances left. we can't just wait for the perfect time to do what we ought to do. we can't just be passive. we've got to start looking for that specific something that we ever wanted to find.

so i thought of not wasting any of my free time, my work off, lying in bed in my room.

i went on a night out with my closest girl friend -- to dance the night away, get a glass of free rosé and meet one nice guy (or two).

one french guy danced with me. and in a place as sexually-charged and as alcohol-filled as a night club, things happen. it's like one thing you'll check off your bucket list: french kissing a french guy. i thought it would be sweet and nice and heavenly (i do have too much expectations in life, don't i?) turned out, it felt gross. 

on the way home, all i wanted to do was brush my teeth and drink a glass of mouthwash.

i thought of my past lover. it saddened me to remember how completely different i felt with him.

i think i'm stuck. or my pursuit in finding that ever-elusive one true love just got harder.