i thought it's gonna be easy. i was wrong.

i think of this as a test of some sort.

i sure still have episodes when i don't think i can remain firm on my decisions, when i find it tempting to reach out, kiss and make up. i still sometimes succumb to my emotions. but i'm doing well. i know i am. i was.

i have a good back-up. i have the best support group in the world. i have friends who remind me of what i want when i get confused. i have a sister who became unusually sweeter and gentler.

then i got a call. and i'm back to zero.

i used to dream of becoming a lawyer.

a high school friend is reminiscing our high school days this morning. funny how he kept on tagging/mentioning me on twitter whenever an old-time thought comes to mind.

then i began to travel down memory lane too. i realized high school was the grandest time of my life.

it was when i felt i was at my best. it was when i got into the twisted thing called love, for the first time. it was when i thought i can be whoever i want to be in the future.

i remembered i was the team captain of the reigning school debate team. arguing was so ecstatic then. and winning is...delicious. so delicious that it satisfied my unbelievable appetite for achievement and competition.

one of the few teachers i highly regard told me then i'll make a good lawyer someday. i believed him. and i believed in myself.

then everything became hazy after. the used to be crystal clear dreams slowly became blurry until they became unachievable altogether.

i realized, no matter how, in many degrees, i find myself amazing, i suck too. i am not persistent enough. i don't push myself hard enough. i am not reckless enough. i only go for the things i find easy. many times, i settle for less than i deserve.

changing track is long overdue. but it's never too late i believe.

a prologue.

for the past few days, and for the past few hours most especially, i learned so many things about love and relationships.

for one, love, alone, is not enough to keep the relationship going. no matter how great, powerful and grand love is, it's not the only thing in the world that the two individuals need to keep up, to grow up, to flourish.

there are so many other things that should go along with it. a whole lot more.

one day soon, i will find time to sit down and relish all those learnings and document them here.

today has been an ordeal. a good hard one. an ordeal that made me see things more clearly. one that made me so much better, stronger, and in many degrees more awesome.

i'll elaborate soon! ;)

my love affair with the guitar.

for three days now it's the first thing i want to lay my hands on every morning and the very last thing i want to hold at night. i find it hard to get myself to sleep right away even after past midnight because i want to learn to play it the soonest i can. even with my now growing calluses, i feel the need to continue learning, memorizing & practicing the chords. this part i don't find too difficult. i'm good in memorization if i want something so bad. the only trouble i'm having is the strumming part. my timing sucks. and for so many times i sigh & almost cry in frustration. funny how my housemates constantly remind me to take it slow and easy. of course i know that. to me, it's just an impulse to sigh in resignation whenever i don't get something right. but this doesn't mean that giving up is an option. of course i know that i can't expect myself to be good only after a few times of practice, most especially that i'm learning it on my own.

i get frustrated many times. i kind of hate it that my fingers are too small that they hurt everytime i need to extend one finger to one fret and one on another just to get the chord right. my voice is not even exemplary that knowing how to play an instrument poses no definite logic and sense.

but believe it or not, for three days now, i like the emotion that stirs restless inside me (or is is just inside my head?). so this is how it feels like to want something so frickin' bad. i can't remember the time when i last felt that. it's a sensation that revs me up sometimes in a bad pressuring way, but most of the time in a good inspiring one. i want this and i want to keep on feeling this feeling.

i may continue learning or i may lose interest in the end. i am not really sure. truth is, i don't expect myself to be an expert guitarist. but this is something i'll enjoy while the drive lasts.

good thing i'm usually alone in the house that i don't have to worry about disturbing anyone with the noise i'm making.

yeah. especially on the first two days, i am so terrible in this that all i hear is noise from all the strumming. but i know, one day, i'll stop making noise and i'll start making music.

i promise, i will.:)