madness (the bad kind)

there is a good kind of madness. like how truly, deeply, madly you (and i) should love. it's the same madness that only genius people possess, those who go against the current, those who disregard the status quo, those who believe they can change the world into a much better place. (because they actually can).

but that's not what i'm going to talk about.

i'll talk about the bad one because i had plenty of that today, yesterday and some days before that. everyday actually. every single day, there will be strangers and (sometimes) friends who can potentially turn your mood into a sour one. i don't get these people. i wonder what benefit they get by being rude to others even when you do no harm to them. i wonder how comfortable it is to them that they bring discomfort to another human being. sometimes, i make the mistake of letting these people rob the enthusiasm off me. but most of the time, all i ever have to do is inhale and exhale heavily and repeatedly and remind myself how beautiful i am to ever waste a moment of creasing my forehead and turning my smile into a very ugly frown. i don't know if that works for you, but it does for me. instantly, i relax, breathe easy and brush off the bad experience. so much about vanity.

vanity (and kidding) aside, there is really no point holding on to madness for so long. maybe, that person did not really intend to get you mad. maybe he/she just had a bad breakup, or a terrible experience at home, or a horrible childhood. it could also be because he/she is just naturally rude and evil. (i really hope not. but it doesn't matter). point is, this person's attitude is something we don't have a control over. but we can control our reaction.

sometimes, i just smile and walk away. other times, i let out a loud crisp curse inside a closed elevator, (i make sure i'm alone, of course). i react differently depending on the severity of the case. but similarly, i only allow myself to stay mad for no more than fifteen minutes.


in the future, my goal is to lessen it to five.

quote of the day.

beautiful thought. this is something i personally believe in. this is exactly the reason why i don't quite agree with that line "what you don't know won't hurt you."

maybe i'm a masochist. i'm okay with pain. well, not really okay-okay, but it's something i can deal with. i don't mind the hurt because it's nothing compared to the liberating feeling that comes after. 

i'd rather know. everyday, i seek for truths. and it's the honest people that i value and respect the most.

when i felt it was too much, even when i was too stubborn to still fight, i let go. completely. totally. i died inside i suppose.

but i came back to life.

they say, we have to empty our hands so we can hold the blessings that are yet to come.

then this, after almost a year of calm seas and peaceful days, happened. unplanned. unexpected. something i didn't even pray for. but it's good. it's fun. it rocked the boat.

but this pain that followed, i dislike it. i won't take it. so maybe, i'm asked to empty my hands again. and shed a few tears in the process.

i never learned. i never even changed, for the better. and this is what frustrates me the most.

wise fathers are God's gift to mankind

there is an inspiring email circulating online written by the late DILG secretary jesse robredo to his daughter. the first time i read it, i was reminded of my own father. that's exactly how he motivates us, in his well-thought-of words of wisdom in mix english and tagalog. it was like reading his handwritten letters he sent me thru mail when i started college in manila. similar to his almost daily text messages (which unfortunately were not kept and saved) that aimed to keep me inspired and remembered. mr. robredo and my father think alike and talk alike. and i wonder if that really is a fatherly thing. maybe that's one requirement every father (or parent) should meet. encouraging.

unlike mr. robredo's daughter though, i never had the chance to heed tatay's advice when work started to burn me out, when i felt the need to find my rightful place in the society. my father died three months before i finish college. i would have heard more wise words from him. i would have been wiser in my decision-making. but i also believe that what he taught me with in all the steps i took prior to experiencing the usual issues of a young adult prepared me on what lies ahead.

when i was enrolling as a college freshman, i was among the minority of the group. in the entire taxing and daunting process of enrollment in a big university, not once did i have a parent or guardian beside me. the majority were accompanied by both or either one of their parents, from queuing up for registration, to medical exam, to application for scholarships. but his letters made me tougher, more independent, more self-assured that i can handle all things. that at a tender age of 16, i am a responsible adult, fully capable of making significant decisions, confident to speak to all the adults that surround me. when i only got shortlisted to the original course i chose and i was undecided on what other course to take instead, he didn't decide for me nor give me hints in any way. i was afraid that i will take something i may not finish in the end. but he told me that he trusts me and if i ever feel like i can't handle the course, i can decide to quit, shift or continue. when the need to decide arises, i will know what is best to do.

and he was right about that. and i think, in life, in order for us to become stronger, better versions of ourselves, we need somebody like that.