what i hate.

i am serious when i say i hate an image of a man surrounded with beer bottles and packs of cigarette.

my father drinks a lot (he ain't a smoker though. thank god). it is during those times that i hate seeing him. i love him with all my heart but it breaks me to see him drunk, out of control and noisy. i've seen him drunk many many times. and i hate all those times. as a kid, i find him scary.

i don't have any problem when people drink for an occasion and celebration, or depression, even. buying tatay two bottles of sanmig light as a treat after painting our roof in dela costa during his vacation there was one of my fondest memory of him. and i like it when nanay and tatay, just the two of them, drink together at home for some relaxation and chill time. that i find sweet.

but it matters to me and i definitely mind when people drink a lot, a whole lot. i don't really understand why they need to drink so much. i'm wodering what benefit are they getting from it.

and even now that i am all grown up, i still find drunk men scary and despicable.

five months and a day.

technically, the count should be five months and two days. but i love the sound of the title so much (to me, it sounds like a movie) that i want to stick to that, and i was not in the mood to write yesterday (most days, actually).

it's been this long since i started my love affair with singapore and everything about it--the late sunrise and sunset, the new-york-style of rush, the diversity of people and race (and the smelliness and ewwiness of some), the accurate bus timings, the pollution-free roads and highways, the zero experience (by far) of heavy traffic, the awesomeness of taxi drivers and taxi services.

it's been this long since i took the wildest risk, the farthest leap, the biggest change.

it's been this long since i embraced the ldr, not only with boyfriend, but with everyone else i love back home. and even up to this day, it still makes me cheery one moment and crazy the next.

i know, my adjustment-nesting period is not fully over, emotionally and financially that is. occasionally, i still cry myself to sleep when i miss my loved ones, when i wake up in the morning thinking nanay and ate are just around, or that jona is just a few blocks away whenever i have a strange and new kwento to share. on my sixth month, i'll be done paying one of my loans, and i'll have more room for savings. i'm so looking forward to that. and by that same time, i may be more used to the feeling of being far away from home.

while looking forward to that, i'll take comfort in the present -- the sunshine at 7pm, the stress-fee roadtrip and busrides, and yes, even the ewwy smell of my fellow commuters and mrt riders (it doesn't hurt to hold my breath for a good 10-15 minutes anyway).

unspoken argument.

i remember my colleague saying, "ang big deal sa'yo, minsan hindi big deal sa'kin."

it's his line for his girlfriend. and i know that's true for everyone else. that's where misunderstanding, arguments, cold treatment and small fights root from.

what we may consider small-unnecessary-insignificant-petty things may mean A LOT to the other person.

like how an end-of-day message means to me (lengthy or short, i don't mind).

we don't really expect a nonstop exchange of dm's and pm's and whatnot from each other throughout the day, of course. we both have our schedules to follow, errands to attend to, and life to live.

so how hard it is to send a simple message saying you're home safe and all. or if you happen to be too tired, no sugarcoating, just a lame "goodnight" will do.

and yes, since you're dealing with this crazy thing called "thesis," and a looming cheerdance competition on the side, i choose not to tell you this directly. i don't want a demanding girlfriend be added on your plate.


but if by any chance you'll come
across this, don't take this personally.

because it's true, "ang big deal sa'kin, hindi big deal sa'yo," and vice versa.

for The birthday girl.

she's sporty, i am not. when i once tried wakeboarding, i was scared as hell, and i was thinking about her. i was thinking about how much she'll love that experience, how little fear she'll have, if not completely none.

i am girly, and dressy, and flowery. she's into jeans and tees and hand-me-downs.

most of the time i'm stiff and serious and snob. she's friendly and childlike and outgoing.

in so many ways we are different. but we look the same. some say she looks half me and half ate jeanne, which i don't believe so. i think it's 90-10. 90% me, that is. and that makes her prettier -- prettier than me, and prettier than ate (haha).

today is her birthday. it was actually my last thought last night and my first thought this morning. but it took me this long to greet her because i wanted to "celebrate" her existence, and it is through writing that i do that. and this is what i look forward to doing after i go out of work today. and though my words can't completely capture how awesome she is, it is through this that i share how significant, beautiful and awesome she is.

today, she turned 20. i still find it hard to digest that the one we call "baby" is past her teenage years now. (like how hard it was for me to accept that she already asked me about having a boyfriend). and that, eventually, she'll grow a horn of her own, that she'll find a career that will make her happily haul her ass off the bed every morning, a lovestory(ies) to share, and a person she'll fall madly inlove with.

but through it all, she'll always be my baby sister, the one who beat me in chess on our highschool intramurals, whose "ka'astigan" blows me away, whose existence i'm so, truly, thankful for.