...on simplicity and greatness.

i have a confession to make.

this may be less shocking now because i think i've been showing signs ever since.

i am simple and i want to lead a simple life. 

well, maybe not simple simple, but simple just the same.
it dawned on me as a gentle surprise when timmy and i were exchanging updates and news one rainy day on our reunion.

for the first part we were sort of arguing. we probably missed each other too much that we started our reunion that way. knowing her and the brain she carries with her, i readied myself for such thing to happen. she asked me what my plans are, and she didn't really approve them. i know she is one great friend that's why she's acting the way she does. her mind can't conceive that i'm just doing what i'm doing and i'm planning what i'm planning.

who, exactly, should tell you the right way to live your life?

she asked me, "bakit ka pa nag-aral sa UP?" to which i snapped, "kasalanan ko bang nakapasa ako dun?"

here's the thing. UP was never my dream. truth is, i didn't have any inkling how prestigious it is until professors kept on drilling into our then-little heads how proud we must be because we are the cream of the crop. i didn't completely buy that idea. if i can just give the chance to those who really dream of it, i will.

i don't need the UP background to be great. (although i admit it has its conveniences and i enjoy them.) i wouldn't be trapped to the pressures given to UP graduates. i don't have to be on top of the corporate ladder to be successful. yes, i once dreamed to be there, but not anymore.

timmy, a little disappointed, asked me where did all my dreams go.

i just shrugged. i know i never stopped dreaming. most dreams changed, yes, but i hold on to them tightly and i have never let them go.

what i want is simple: to do something i would look forward to waking up to. something i could put all the commitment and love i am ever capable of giving, like i always do, regardless of the job title, and whether or not it meets the UP ideals. 

i'm certain i'd be great wherever i go.

i think i know what i want in life. i have my eyes fixed on my goals. i may still want the same things two years, five years or even ten years from now, maybe not.  

i simply enjoy the process of becoming.

weekend habit.

"buti pa si gazelle no, pakanta-kanta na lang."


that was my neighbor's remark. he's the dad of two of my neighborhood and childhood friends, and he's talking directly to nanay.


you see, i stay in the apartment on weekdays and it's only on weekends that i go home. and doing videoke has become my weekend habit. that's my neighbors' cue. they know that i'm home when they hear me sing early in the morning. 


i overheard him and nanay talking. he thought it's fortunate of me that i don't seem to have any more serious concern, and by that he means worry, in life. he's thinking about his own children, one older than me and the other same age as me, and their struggles in their studies and jobs.


"gazelle finished college and she's earning well," he summed up.


truth is, i just sent money to my siblings for their tuition that day, which cut my savings to half. well, maybe that's not much to worry about. my point is, life doesn't require that we have a flawless-worry-free situation before we start doing videoke, before we start humming happy tunes.


some people think i'm all settled in life.


i think, i'm not. definitely not.


i'm still creating and recreating plans.


and i find time to sing in between. 

one. then, the one.

we were in my favorite coffee shop yesterday, doing our usual thing. him, ordering coffee/chocolate drink, me, eating full rice meal. then, the real business. english tutorial session.

i'm talking about jaden, my 26-year old korean student.

sometimes we discuss movie clips, song lyrics, a book chapter. sometimes i drop questions, from simple to complicated. sometimes we discuss random things. he's up for anything, as long as he'll learn english.


i noticed i sound harsh whenever i correct his pronunciation so i asked him if he gets offended by it. yes, mean as i am, i can still be sensitive at times. to my relief, he said it's okay. i told him how much i hate it to hear anyone mispronouncing words and how much control i try to muster to not appear bossy or superior in correcting someone. it made sense to him that i am impatient in many aspects.


and i haven't kept track exactly how our conversation led to his questioning of how many boyfriends did i have. boy, you should have seen that pained look on his face when i said, ONE. he said "just one?" over and over again as if doing so would change the already given count. it's as if it was very unfortunate of me, like i was cursed or something.


so yes, that was the not-so-short background to what i've got to say, really.

here's the real thing.

there are many times i contemplate about that aspect of my life.

lovelife.

i once wondered if i was really a loser, if i wasn't given much chance and choice. but then i think again and realize that no, i'm not a loser, and no, i actually got several chances. little chances, i know, but chances still. i declined some date invitations and approved some. i met men old and new. and no one seemed to be the one i would love to love. none, yet. so staying single is pretty much a choice.

whenever i see a beautiful couple, not only on superficial level, like the newlyweds bro. george gabriel, one of the kerygma feast preachers, and dinah, i get kilig and hopeful that i'll find a love like theirs, first class.

see how they look at each other? i long for that moment when i will look at someone the same way.

i know i'm choosy. i also know it's my right to be. i believe it's just about knowing your worth, and your target market. (haha)

no, i'm not looking for a saint, nor for someone perfect.

maybe i'm just looking for a love so beautiful. lasting. inspiring.

and i wouldn't want to increase my count in finding it.


*one day, that day, and all the days after, i would love to say a line similar to tets', and mean it, with all my heart and mind, to my own harthy, to the one i love to love.
so tets, let me again borrow one of your awesome thoughts.

"And Harthy, oh my Harthy. I’m still searching and thinking of the best way to connect a word after another just so I could perfectly describe how much I love you. So for now, I hope this will do: falling, choosing and staying in love with you are the best three acts that I  look forward to doing every single day."


ain't love grand?

practicum to motherhood.

i'm getting more and more lessons on motherhood these days. only that i have it inverted.

here's why.
my first batch of children did not pass through primary education. my motherhood began with two instant college grown-ups: lui and baby, my younger siblings. even before i graduate in college, fatherless, and hand in hand with my ate, i started providing for them: allowance, tuition and all. i wasn't really able to enjoy the full benefit of being a single yuppie. four years of working, earning small and earning big showed not much difference. always, during every payday, like a mom and dad combined, wary about the family's daily expenses and budget, i have crisp and fresh-from-the-atm bills deposited directly to my sibling's bank account.

now don't get me wrong. there is no bitterness involved here. not even a slightest hint. i admit it was no fun. but i don't regret it either. this situation is one of the many significant reasons why i think i occupy space in this world. i think these kids would be my personal answer to that coffee-brand-tagline "para kanino ka bumabangon?"

then there are my students; korean teens and little ones. every single day i feel a strong desire to not just be an ordinary teacher to them. not only do i teach them grammar lessons, i also listen, as intently as i can, to what they have to say. i think of it as a privilege to be confided with their young love stories, to know their taste in music, to hear their worries and aspirations. i'm there when the little ones throw up tantrums, and though i'm no good at handling them on the first few times, i'm getting better at dealing with them lately.

at 23, i feel too old to be their sister, yet too young to be their mom. but i cherish every single moment when i feel i'm both.

one day, i want to become a great mom. and these experiences may help me fulfill exactly just that.

my little girls.

lappy, check.
internet connection, check.
time, check.
thoughts, none.

i have lappy, i've got internet connection and i have the time in the world. i would have loved to take advantage of such rare chance but i don't have some ready topic in mind to blog about. where did all my awesome thoughts and insights go?

while i try hard to recollect them, i might as well do some random "talk" for the meantime.

monday this week, i was feeling extra happy. elated, even. i started teaching my new tutees and i found out just on that same day that they are little girls.

i was very vocal about my wish of having little girls for tutees since i noticed that i've been exclusively teaching boys (of all life stages: ages 9, 10, 14, 16, 26, and 50-something). maybe the god of the universe was listening to me when i was sharing this wish to joyce one day, that it's a wish granted now.

i still love teaching boys. seung tae remains to be my favorite. but having yeji and yein is definitely a heart-warmer.

two hours of teaching these two young adorable girls didn't feel much like work, but play. it was raining when i went out of their condo unit in the fort. and i felt like singing in the rain.

and to borrow tet's line, "oh the magic of doing what you love."


should the god of wishes be listening at this exact moment, let me once again be vocal about my another wish. 
i wish to have a smart-funny-hardworking-goodlooking-longterm-awesome boyfriend soon ;)