missing my tatay on christmas.

whenever i see a man in his late forty's, square-jawed and thin, i'm reminded of my father.

i saw one again today.

it has been three years since he's gone. and it's gonna be our fourth christmas without him around. (he died five days before christmas in 2008).

when i was a kid, i don't remember asking anything from dear old santa. i simply know he's a make-believe. i knew so well it was our mom who kept on putting candies and lollies inside our christmas socks by the window. yeah, even as a kid i was a spoiler.

but now, i just want to believe that he's real. that somewhere in north pole, he exists. i want to promise him that i'm gonna be a good girl just so he could grant my wish.


that, for just one christmas more, tatay will be with us.


*maybe, lately, i just need the only man i look up to, his wisdom when i feel like i'm losing my sense, and his strength when i feel like losing my own. when i'm caught up with seemingly heavy responsibilities, i just want to believe in a make-believe like santa, and wish the impossible -- be tatay's little girl all over again.

christmas is coming

i smell, feel and see christmas. yes, even in a chinese country like sg, christmas is celebrated. though not as highly, as grand and as fancy as how it is in rp.

whenever this mood begins to set, happiness, excitement, good vibes follow. but now, the looming holiday somehow saddens me. i wish i can spend the day with my family. i wish i can celebrate it with alvin around (since 25th is also our day each month). i wish i can look forward to exchanging of gifts with my best girlfriends. i wish i can organize a get'together for my highschool friends.

there are so many things i can only wish now. *sigh*

it is at this time of the year (yeah, as if i've been away for a year already) that i find workers abroad amazing, especially now that i am in their shoes.

i wonder how many christmases passed them by. i wonder how they were able to keep their strength and sanity intact.

as for me, it's gonna be my first. and i've got to find out how to survive this season with, hopefully, little sadness, and more good cheer.

superhuman no more.

i love being responsible. it energizes me. it empowers me. it keeps me alive. i even think i was born to be such.

but sometimes too, i hate it. sometimes it tires me. it rarely happens, but it does. it tires me to be the person whom people depend on. i get tired of making decisions for others, for setting plans for them, for being the first person they run to.

sometimes, i just want to sit back and see things happen without my full cooperation. i want to get things done and problems resolved with little participation on my part. or maybe sometimes i just need someone who'll take care of things instead of me. someone i can depend on and lean on when i'm all too tired and overwhelmed. someone whose opinions i'll value, whose decisions i'll submit to, whose diskarte i'll bow down to.


yeah. it's just me, tired physically and mentally, speaking.

i am a sister, and a potential killer.

few days ago, my baby sister asked me the question i am not ready to hear. she asked me if she's allowed to have a boyfriend already.

i knew it's coming. she's been showing signs and signals. she's been posting a lot of lovey dovey lines on her facebook wall recently. i didn't mind. i didn't post comments either. i didn't want to react because i wanted to believe it's not anything serious.

i wasn't ready. maybe mine is an exaggerated reaction. my sister is turning twenty next month. her right to be in a romantic relationship has long been overdue, i know. but still, it's not a matter of age, for me.

she'll be past her teenage years a month from now, but i know she's still a little girl--young and carefree.

maybe i just want to give her lessons on love first before she takes the plunge into it. i want her to be emotionally and mentally ready because love is not only about warm-fuzzy-comforting-nice feeling. i want her to know that love is the craziest most dizzying rollercoaster ride, ever. i want her to understand that love is a serious matter. and maybe i was not open to the idea because i don't want her to get distracted now that she has to spend a year more in college before she graduates. i know how crazy and crucial that last year is. and i want her to focus just on that.

maybe i'm too protective of my sister. i don't want some man out there to hurt her feelings. but i know clearly it's something i don't have any control of.

what i do have control of, rather, is my role in her life. i'm her sister. and the best i can be is be her support whenever she needs me. i'll just be there when she's happy or lonely or crazy.

maybe i am wrong about her. maybe she's no longer the baby girl i i've known her to be.

and maybe i have to let her learn her love lessons on her own, like how i've learned them on my own.

and i'll just be around, praying for her and loving her more, and more, and more every single day, ready to kill any man who'll make her cry. ;)

post-birthday blogpost

i know there are many things i want to talk about. but everytime i try to start writing, my thoughts begin to fall off.

i like to talk about my post-birthday emotions. i think i had a lot of crazy ones. especially because of the many touching greetings and unique gifts i got from friends. i'd love to talk more about my housemates, and how wonderful they are.

i'd love to talk more about how hyper i was after seeing joicee's picture posted on my wall, how enthusiastic and gaga i got after accidentally reading alvin's message to ate monette about his surprise birthday gift for me, and the blogpost tets wrote about me and how touched i was after reading it. i'm thinking about writing one for her too, but i'm just too preoccupied to do so.

i know i'm an awesome person in general. but i don't think i am that good to deserve all these. i'm mean, harsh, insensitive and more. and all the people mentioned above know that.

how can i love them less, then? how can i not be lucky and thankful to have them all these years, all these time, for having them stick around?

i'll talk more sometime. my work break is over. gotta go! ��

birthday blog

and i turned 24.

i planned about writing a birthday blog days before my actual birthday. and normally i do a countdown. but now, several hours past midnight, i still haven't composed well my thoughts. i even forgot to do a 10-day countdown. time flies so fast, really, especially when you go home tired and sleepy.

what am i supposed to say?

i step back a little and look at my life on bird's eyeview, to see clearly where i am now and where else i am heading. i contemplate on what i have acquired and what i still want to achieve in life.

well, to begin with, i don't have much. yet. if i am to think of material things, that is. but i'm confident that on that aspect, i'm on a good start and i'm heading to a good end.

what i want to focus on, rather, is the more important aspect. the most, actually.

more than the 24 awesome years, i'm richly blessed to have spent those 24 years with equally awesome people.

i'm thankful for my siblings. they are my favorite people in the world. they are my lifelines.

i'm thankful for nanay, for loving me even on the days that i am not lovable.

i'm thankful for the friends who stayed with me, made me feel loved, wanted and cared for even after they've seen my worst. i'm thankful, even, for the ones i lost along the way, for having shared some of their time and life stories with me. i'm thankful for the new ones i just met--for marva and ate monette, for sticking around even when i prove to be not an easy person to live with.

i'm thankful for my housemates, for being the family i share food, inspiration, laughs, and heinneken with.

i'm thankful for alvin, for the kind of love he gives, for his unbelievable patience (which i wish he'll never run out of), and for the good madness he brings.

except for a house, car and business of my own, there is nothing much i ask for in life.

seriously, i only wish for more birthdays to come...

so i'll be able to see more of my dreams and my siblings' dreams and prayers come true.

so i'll be able to find my future kids and joicee's and tets' and jona's and all of my friends' kids get along well too.

so i can celebrate more monthsaries and anniversaries with alvin.❤


so i'll have more stories to share, things to be thankful for and birthday blogs to post. 😃

headache

i had the worst headache last night. it's killing me. the pain is just too much i was moaning and crying in the bus on my way home.

it felt as if my head is going to crack open or something.

some say it must be because of stress. that, i don't agree. i just think stress comes from doing something you don't like. i totally like what i'm doing. stress, definitely is not the root of this.

so i don't know what, exactly. but whatever it is, i hope it won't happen again.

i pray it's the worst and last headache.

acknowledgment

so my 5-day vacation in RP was a whirlwind. surprisingly, i didn't feel "bitin" one bit. to sum it up, i spent most of my days at home. the only time i went out was when i attended the sunday kerygma feast with my sister and my lover. just that one time. still, i am able to meet few special people.

with very little effort on my part, and great effort on theirs, we got to spend quality time together. and i'm deeply, immensely, overly, grateful to them.

on top of my gratitude list is alvin. puyat and all, he fetched me at the airport, making himself the first person to welcome me on my little "homecoming." he's also been the last person i set eyes on when he sent me off on my trip back to SG.

then goes jona and rachelle. not only once did they visit me at home, but twice. and for working girls with odd busy schedule like them, finding time to see me is not easy. but they did. and we met. and we talked. and we sang videoke songs. just like the old times.

i'm equally grateful to joyce. hers is the greatest effort. all the way from her the fort office, on a rainy night, she visited me and stayed for a sleep-over. and the morning after, she worked half day just so we can have more time together.

of course, nanay and ate were still the best people on earth. home is home because of them.

so i'm back, so back in SG, happy, with a love tank so full, all ready and energized to work hard again.

♫♪♪ "coz when the heart breaks, no it don't break even" ♪ ♫♪

my heart breaks for marva.

how on earth can one person say he/she loves you so much one day, then tell you, plainly and coolly, "i don't feel anything for you anymore" the next? my friend didn't see it coming. we didn't see it coming. the other day, they were talking via skype. they were perfectly okay, in-love and happy. how can one's mind change in a snap?

i wish i can tell  him-her-whatever that love isn't like that. it's not something you give up on so cheaply. it's not something you throw away that easy when it's void of emotion, because love is not just based solely on that.

i wish i can make marva feel any better. i hugged her more tightly, the tightest i can. i cried with her, i still am, actually. i feel her pain. i know exactly how painful it is to be heartbroken. we all know.

in all honesty, she's the least person to deserve such kind of break-up, a break-up this ugly. but i'm sure it's for the best. she deserves a love way way better than this, after all. new love will come along sooner or later, one that is lasting, one that is for good.

so this is why i'm thin.

i don't eat much.

basically, that's the main reason why i'm this thin. but i didn't know there could be another reason, one that is equally valid.

i just read in an online cosmo mag an interesting, and in my case, a true study: a new research in UK found that people who get up early tend to be happier and thinner.

According to an article in the British newspaper The Guardian, one of the authors of the study explained, "The reason early risers do better in life could be down to the fact that getting the chores out of the way [...] helps people fit in better with hectic modern life." Not the most satisfying explanation, but we see his point. Plus, other experts not involved in this study add that lounging around in bed on workday mornings can leave you feeling sluggish and moody all day.

(Read more: Early Risers Happier and Thinner - How to Become an Early Riser - Cosmopolitan)

i'm definitely a morning person. there were few instances when i wake up later than usual, but most of the time, even after i worked looooooong hours and went home late or even after i stayed up late for a movie marathon, i simply wake up ahead of my alarm. of course back at the time when i was working night shift was a totally different story. my body clock went a 360-degree turn at that crazy schedule. and i'm so glad to be back to normal when i quit that night shift job (truth is, that, along with many other reasons made me just feel good about quitting).

presently, i can't even bring myself to oversleeping on my days-off, even if i will myself to do so the night before. and though i feel bad sometimes when i can't give my body the oversleep it needs, i just can't help but love waking up early in the morning, when the sun just gives its perfect warmth, when it's still quiet and peaceful and beautiful at home.


and more than getting the worm, getting flatter abs may just make one consider being an early bird (or make one wish to stay as that).

happy 41st!

they say, at every start of a relationship there's this thing called honeymoon stage. the first three months of being a couple are the best and sweetest time. the time when they are head over heels inlove with each other. the time when everything and everyday seems perfect, colorful and magical.

my plan of working in singapore has been crystalized few months before alvin and i got back together. being a planner and forward-thinker that i am, committing to anyone before i leave wasn't part of my plan.

until we started seeing each other and going out together...all over again.

i tried to stick to my original plan as much as i can. but he was persistent and i stopped resisting. and love pulled us in.

we got back together in may this year. it's been five months now. two months past the honeymoon stage. but it seems like we haven't gotten over that period yet. for the past months, we exchanged sweet-nothings almost on a daily, hourly basis. and yes, we also shared fights, big and small. but in all these, i just fall more deeply inlove with this man, every morning that i wake up, and every night before i sleep.

many times i contemplate about the love we have. and i really consider myself lucky to have found a love like this, authentic, comforting, lasting. and i consider myself doubly lucky for sharing this kind of love with him, he who is selfless, patient, understanding. this is the love i'm extremely thankful for. this is the man i would love to love many times over.

and today (well, less than an hour from now), we remember and celebrate our 41st monthsary. we're two months into ldr now, (22 more to go!), but it's the third time that we celebrate it away, so far away, from each other. 

and as the distance between us grows, so is my love for him. it grows every second of every day, seriously.

and it is my hope and prayer that we keep this honeymoon stage going, even after we're long past the three-month period, even through wrinkled face and graying hair.

love for psychology. love for self.

i started loving psychology seriously when i enrolled in a psychology class back in college, one about personality. i loved it so much i even thought about shifting courses or take a master's degree in that field.

there is something satisfying in learning about human character and behavior, why people act a certain way, why we think the way we do, why we have opposing views and beliefs, why we are similar yet different.

it's even more satisfying to learn about one self, fully. not that i didn't know much about myself before i enrolled in that class, but i can say i became more aware of who and what i really am. and i liked myself more than i ever did. 

this personality test of some sort has been visible in many facebook walls lately, and i also found it in joicee's blog. i gave it a try and i kind of liked the first four words i stumbled upon.

passionate.  sentimental.  witty.  lovely. 

yeah, i think, nah, i strongly believe, i'm all these and more.
i think i'm now verging to conceitedness. but i still call it healthy self-love. 

which reminds me...

many times when i look at the mirror, i say, "ang ganda ko" without intending to voice it out, really, but sometimes someone at home hears me mumble that. there was a time ate monette, one of my housemates, did. she laughed and said, "wala kang suicidal tendencies no? mahal mo kasi sarili mo."

i smiled and i thought. isn't that part of the natural order of things, we love ourselves first before anyone else can love us? and yes, i love life and myself so much that i don't have suicidal tendencies. no dice.

the chat ♥

i love reading and re-reading. i even enjoy re-reading the silly, oftentimes crazy, sometimes mundane conversation i have with the people i love. and though i have a lot of favorite exhanges that i go back to many times on my quiet alone time, this one is my recent favorite. the one with my favorite loved one.

reading it again, it somehow reveals the kind of woman i am -- apathetic and mushy at the same time, and the kind of man i have -- loving, loving, and seriously loving.

i love how our ordinary chat turned into something sweet, funney and lovey. for some reason, i loved it that i made him feel like crying.


and i say it again, he's my past, my present, my future, my forever.

my soundtrack ♥

i've been trying to figure out how to put my favorite song on my blog home page for three days now. not three whole days exactly of course, but yes, three days passed before i successfully made it. three days and a couple of not-so-successful trial versions.

and you can see, it's not much of a huge-very-complicated thing. it's just so simple actually. but being the techy loser that i am, i consider it an achievement. and after getting the perfect fit of the video for my blog layout (minutes ago, the whole video almost covers the whole right side of this page, and it looks so ugly), i was so ecstatic and howling like a madwoman, one would think i won the lotto, or married to a millionaire, or something.

so now i can indulge to the song i'm so fascinated to recently while i do the "talking" right here.


and i got the one with lyrics so i can sing along, and eventually memorize every line.


oh how i miss my weekend videoke habit back home!

because i'm a work lover.

i guess this is still i'm-awed-by-steve jobs-hang-over of some kind.

he said in his address, "your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you do."

today, i like to dwell further on that.

i started working early in life. and if my work as student assistant in our university library is part of the count, i can claim that i started working since i was 18. and i know from that point on, i am a passionate and a dead serious worker.

for obvious reasons (one, that i am great), whenever i join a company, my goal is to be an asset. i don't wanna be a typical employee working ordinarily and waiting for payday as if it's the only reason why i work.

work, for me, is more than just my bread and butter. the satisfaction i get is not limited to every peso (and now, dollar) that the atm dispenses. it means more than just a source of my siblings' tuition and college allowance, more than the answer to our monthly and piled-up bills.


work. it's something that inspires me more to wake up every morning with cheery talk and upbeat walk.

so it disappoints me, bigtime, when i hear someone talk and see someone act as if work is nothing but a money source.

and i heard one today.

i just think, if you don't care enough for the company you're in and the job that you're doing, might as well leave and channel your energy someplace else. surely, you'll do better somewhere, and surely still, someone will do better in the position you're filling.


life is just that simple. don't settle. never waste your time doing something you don't put your whole heart into. and never waste space by staying to a place you don't thrive in.

and steve jobs reiterated, "stay hungry. stay foolish."

i rarely blog about people i don't have personal dealings with. but i just wanna spare a space for such an inspiring man i only got to "know" recently. and by recently, i mean yesterday.

yeah. i know some geniuses are behind awesome creations, inventions and innovations, like google, airplane, facebook, etcetera, etcera. but i don't clutter my brain with too much information and too many names that i don't memorize, much less familiarize each one of them. so yeah, i knew steve jobs just yesterday. shame on me, i knew him just now, now when he is cold and lifeless.


and the instant i knew him, i liked him. more than his brilliant creations, i like him for his wise inspiring words. i love him for his humble beginnings and simple background.

i love the inspiration he brought to the graduates of stanford university, and the inspiration he brings to me now and to the many people who'll stumble upon his words one time.

blabbers.

self-realization number 1: i am not as demanding as i thought i am.

i settle with a simple greeting for any special occasion that i celebrate. i don't actually require grand words. i don't measure my value thru the fancy words they use. the fact that the person remembered and took a minute or a few seconds of his 24 hours to greet me is enough to make my day, to make me feel special. neither do i require that i be greeted at exact 12 midnight. i appreciate greetings anytime of the day.


self-realization number 2: no matter how busy i become, no matter how occupied my mind gets, i don't forget things that i value so much.

in some ways, i envy people who manage to let some important dates slip without their notice.
how busy can one get to be able to do that? or how less important a day is to let it pass?

and i wonder, am i not that busy? do i have a lot of free time to remember stuff? or am i plain sensitive?

first-time wakeboarder.

very recently, i made a bucket list. and yesterday, i just fulfilled one goal.

me, complete with wakeboarding gear.

i didn't know how extreme wakeboarding is until i watched experienced, amazing and awesome wakeboarders on board, jumping, flying and going along and against the water live and in action,

...and until i got on board myself.


in the morning of our wakeboarding day, i joked around, telling my housemates to remember where to find my mom's number and to tell alvin how much i love him in case i don't keep myself alive after.


when my friends and i got to East Coast after work, i was purely excited. as first-timers, we're advised to use kneeboard instead of wakeboard. less thrilling, maybe, but safer, definitely.

when my knees are strapped on board and i'm positioned to be dragged harshly away from the coast, i then felt my heart racing, my legs shaking, out of thrill and fear. the excitement was gone. boy i was shrieking all the way after the take off!

20 meters away from the take off point, i thought i'm getting the hang of it, but even before i pass through the first obstacle, the cable wire dragged me harder and clinging onto the rope became unbearable. so as much as i hate doing it, and fighting against my own hard-headedness, i let go of the rope. the life vest served its purpose. armed with my board, body pain and fear of being run over by zooming wakeboarders, i swam back to the coast. after 10 minutes or so of pretend swimming and pushing myself back to land, i went to the start area to try once more. and the exact same thing happened: first curve, first obstacle, and i let go one more time.


after this, i know i'll be back and try many times more, after i shake off the body pain i gained some days after.

anyway, other than the pains and aches, i gained something bigger and way more significant --
the fulfillment of having pushed myself to the limit, of crossing the line, and of going out of my comfort zone.


and i promise to shriek less next time :)

the wakeboarding newbies: ate monette, jerwin, marvs and me.

bucket list

it's been a while since i watched that movie. and i remember myself being inspired to create my own list that time, until i was caught up by the usual stuff, college tuition to save up for, monthly allowances to send, bills to pay, and more money to earn, that i set aside creating one.

now, i thought about making one again. i don't know if it's quarter life crisis one more time (on a bright and positive light, by the way, regardless of the term "crisis"), or i simply feel that at 23 (and two more months to go before i turn 24), i'm young enough to enjoy life more than i ever did and old enough to dare myself to do the things i once gave up on.

so here goes my bucket list. (it's not complete yet because every so often, i get new ideas and i think of new things that i may just add).

1. try wakeboarding.
i hate the sea. (i drowned three times and i never learned to swim) maybe it's about time i conquer the sea, or at the very least, get acquainted with it. plus, i think it's a cool sports. :)

2. learn to play at least one instrument.
i was a lyrist back in grade school, but i don't think lyre qualifies at this time and age. i'm thinking of learning to play a guitar. my cousin used to teach me, but i gave up on myself even before he gave up on me. i'll try to be committed this time. one singaporean friend already volunteered to be my instructor! :)

3. be an expert on something.
i remember tets and i were talking about that one day. back then, i can't think of anything that interests me to research fully about. now, i'm starting to get fascinated with wine, it's vast classifications, unique flavors, and the country each originated from.

4. travel asia.
since the world is too big to travel, and my resources are not that much yet, i'll start with asia. being in singapore makes that plan easier and doable since malaysia and indonesia are just train-ride away.

5. learn a new language.
i know i suck in language. i've been in the province half of my childhood life but i am not fluent and confident enough to speak our dialect. i studied russian language back in college, but i only know how to introduce myself. so this time, i WILL learn either malay or mandarin. i must find one good malaysian or singaporean friend first who'd be willing and patient enough to teach me.


so there goes the list. i'm excited to actually do each one and i'm even excited to add more some time! :)

i'm dazzled.

oh my gosh.

so, i'm in a quiet little corner, in my favorite spot, in the nearby mcdonalds (again). this is where i get free wifi, without even having to order anything. (yes, this is how cheap i can get. the cheapest meal would cost me 4 singapore dollars, so i'd rather stick to being cheap. that's a different story.)

anyway, one young chinese dad and his oh-so-adorable baby boy came and asked to share with my table. and share, we did. while i pretend to be busy doing my thing, surfing, i am quietly and discreetly observing. i've always enjoyed the sight of a young dad and kid. there is something arresting about such sight. i listen to their conversation, to how dad tries hard to explain to baby anything he asks in ways his still little brain can grasp. i watch how gentle big men can be to their sweet little toddlers. i can't help but smile everytime the baby boy speaks (and speaks good clear english at that!)


in my mind, i think about how the man i will marry and the baby i will carry will look together someday. will they be as arresting and heartwarming? i guess i can live the entire day by just looking, staring, gazing at them.


yeah, too much daydreaming. and maybe, too forward-thinking.


i was back to my senses when a few minutes later, they prepared to leave, and went ahead. i was back to being alone again. i haven't noticed the lonesomeness that much when one little boy, again, to my heart's delight, went to me and asked if he can share a seat with me. his mom and older brother were just right behind him.


oh, adorable lovable little creatures! why do they keep on smiling so sweetly and speaking so cutely, leaving me breathless and dazzled?


they are practically everywhere, and and my heart melts many times over, whenever i see one, every single day.

quirks and twists.

i planned to sleep early today to make up for the many nights i stayed up so late. i promised to give myself the decent rest it deserves. but here i am, almost half an hour past midnight, wide awake, trying to make sense of the things running in my head, in a nearby mcdonalds.

plans, for me, are like that, ever-changing, constantly evolving, adjusting to what lies at the present moment, to what emotion one is currently in.

just like some days ago, i thought about settling here in singapore for good, to let nanay stay here with me in her old age because i think this is a good place for her to settle in, while my original plan was to work here strictly for two years only. 

just like my plan of getting an iphone unit and phone line, payable for two years, and now i'm thinking of "delayed gratification," of buying one, cash, after i saved up for it months from now.

just like my plans about my future family life. i planned to marry at the age of 28 and have kids a year after that. now, seeing all the cute little beings here running around, calling out "mommy," and sending flying kisses, i suddenly wished to have a baby a year from now, should i be rich that quick.

maybe i'm just tired. possibly i'm just sleepy. definitely i'm just dreamy.

oh, the quirks and twists of recreating and reinventing plans! 

i begin.

i love every beginning, when everything seems brand new and promising.

just like the new life i'm creating and living.

it has only been a week since i came, and all experiences are still new, funny and surprising. i get lost almost every day, every time i try a different route. i enjoy the sight of different races walking around, or waiting by the bus stops, caucasians, malays, indians, persians, europeans, chinese, fellow filipinos. i still get excited everytime i ride double-decker buses. i love the convenience and comfort of mrt rides.

sure, i get homesick every so often. i miss the philippines. i miss all the people i love. but i'm more looking forward to the new people i'm yet to meet, and to the plans i'm bound to fulfill. i'm excited to achieve them one after the other.


i said this before and i'll say it again,

at the end of the day, life is about achieving whatever your heart sets on to, big or small, grand or mundane.


i just did.

and i will continue to do so.
and i will keep the dreams, and plans, and visions, and ambitions coming!!!!:)

i love SG

i fell in love with singapore the first time i set foot on sg grounds, and i'm loving it more and more all the days after that.

i also started listing down peculiar things i find interesting about SG. peculiar for me probably because i haven't been out of the country before, and the transition from a third-world country to first-class is really a big leap.

1. taxi drivers wear long sleeved-polo on duty and they are so professional-looking, you'll think they are lawyers, or doctors or someone prominent.

2. when you buy mobile phone sim card, you'll need your passport so you're name is registered to the telecom company.

3. keep left -- when crossing the street, when walking along the sidewalk, when driving, when utilizing escalators.

4. driver's seat is on the right side.

5. the sun is still up and on its full glory at 7pm.

6. people don't rush in mrt stations. it's actually a relaxed and chill place.

7. buses stop ONLY at designated bus stations.

8. reloadable EZ-link card is the official travel companion, you can use it both in mrt and bus rides.


i know philippines and singapore are incomparable. and i know these are petty things to consider. i didn't love SG for these reasons, anyway. i loved SG because it's an orderly, organized and fast-paced place.


this is not to say that i encourage everyone to leave rp for sg. it's just that we all find a place where we belong. a place where our heart beats easy. a place that feels like home.

and i think and feel, sg is my own unique home, it's where my heart is set, this year and in the next few years after.

dear diary, today i had my first plane ride.

so this is my first blog entry written here in singapore.

today i had my first plane ride. i was giddy and all excited, like a preschooler having her field trip. i think i got too overwhelmed that some passengers looked my way when i exclaimed "wow" and "ang nice" many times over. plus, i got the best seat. by the window!

i liked the taking off part. the rising. i even liked the deafening sensation. somehow, it indicated that i'm reaching a different kind of height. unknown. risky. so beyond my reach.

then i liked the part when we're already in the air. afloat. moving. reaching higher even. i took the time to marvel at the beautiful view, the sea and mountain of clouds.

but what i liked best was the landing part, the part when the engine quiets. i don't know, but there is something about the downward falling sensation that i enjoyed best. it felt as if i'm coming home after lingering above.

i think life is like that. you reach heights, but it is the falling that makes you look forward excitedly, or sometimes impatiently, to the time when you have to go down and settle, finally, at last, at long last. 

best friendships

admittedly, for the past weeks, or months even, my life and insights seemed to revolve mostly on love. alvin is the name that established permanence on my facebook wall and in my recent blog posts, so there is no way i can deny how madly in-love i am. he may be the reason why i'm extra flowery than i already am, the reason why my heart flutters frantically. but this is not to say that he is the sole special person and reason why i'm flowery and why my heart is fluttery.

like a scoop of ice cream, a lover makes life sweet, but there are still extra scoops that make life even sweeter. extra scoops called bestriend.

i believe "best friendship" is a necessity. but though it is, i can still imagine life without it. it's a life less memorable, less eventful, less fun.

so lucky are we to find one bestfriend -- the one among the many who stood out, whose friendship is extraordinary, whom you can completely be yourself, without fearing even for one second that you're going to be judged. and most likely, we're okay with just one.

many times i wonder who, then, is the bestfriend that makes me one lucky person. and many times i feel doubly blessed whenever i try to answer that question. it still surprises me to realize that i don't only have one, or two, but 18 (authentic) bestfriends in this planet.

they are my bestfriends not because ours is a smooth-sailing-argument-free-perfect friendships. at certain points, we actually lost touch. each one of them, no exception. at this time and age when text is cheap and facebook is accessible, there were still times when communication became less frequent, until it stopped altogether. we lost touch and stopped seeing each other because we no longer share the same neighborhood, the same school, or the same work environment. more than that, growing up into mature individuals, we've been busy fighting our own battles, making our own mistakes, learning our own lessons, chasing our own dreams, and minding our own business. in all these life hustles and bustles, we drifted apart and away.

in ordinary friendships, we simply lose the magic and we fail to find the way back to each other again. that is one of the many facts of life, people come and go, and we all should deal with it without fretting.

but not with extraordinary friendship. we actually don't lose the connection. we need not to fret because somewhere along the way, we will bump into familiar people who will be back and will stick around for good, and we'll find out that we share and care about each other's battles, mistakes, lessons, dreams and business after all.

so i'm more than lucky to enjoy best friendships with these wonderful people. these are the people who made me feel well-loved even when i am not lovable, who made me feel well-cared for even when i am not caring, who remained to be patient even when i am stubborn.

jona - my walking diary and the best listener, ever.

aishel - we went to huge places together: up, convergys. and i'm glad she was there to provide a familiar comforting presence when all these places were then-scary and unknown.

jhoanna, mae, dianne - they proved to me that a year of shared time is enough to sustain a good and lasting friendship. when i went back, it was as if i never left.

timmy - she pushes me to reason and logic when i don't make sense (and she pushed me to love when i was hesitant and doubting).

may-may, jezza, heidz, leslie, daryn - pbi has been a home to me because of them. they were my support and back-up, and the reasons why high school life was fun.

rejie - his thoughtfulness never wavered even when we are miles and oceans apart. birthday, christmas, new year, not once did he fail to extend a special-occasion greeting.

juriz - reliable, dependable and ever-present. one "hey" and he's rarin' to go wherever and whenever.

ruth - one wouldn't wait a minute to get a text reply from her. (isn't that one of life's simple pleasures, when someone texts you back instantly?) plus she gives good massage too! :)

ruffa - the sweet and maldita friend (a rare combination that i enjoy so much).

joyce - out of the many things we share, faith is my favorite. and her generosity is exceptional, promise!

jac - the encourager. she never runs out of words of encouragement (and i sometimes wonder where she gets all of them).

tets - stalk'ish type of friend, (the type i love so much). we have the same peculiar beliefs, same tall dreams, same unbelievable love for long walks, etcera, etcetera. with so many similarities, i see myself in her, except that she's prettier. (haha)


i know, the one-liners didn't actually capture their worth and the significance they play in my life. their value, simply, are beyond words.


and why am i this mushy at this time of...past-midnight?

well, maybe because i'm thinking of my looming departure and i'm thinking of the people whose company i'll miss the most. :'(

flowers

millions of flowers wither everyday,

...but millions of them bloom too, every second of everyday!

so because i'm flowery (yes tets, i embraced your definition of me. haha) and i just feel like it today:

bliss. elation. delight. pleasure. joy. relaxation. positivity. good vibes...


...and more flowers! :D

the inevitable.

someone died yesterday.

ah. i think i said that way too upfront -- no flowery words, no euphemisms, no sugarcoating.
how does one sugarcoat death, anyway? no matter how careful we try to say it, it wouldn't make it's weight any less.

the person is dead. lost. gone forever.


john died early morning yesterday. he is one of alvin's closest friend, if not the closest. i met him only twice. we didn't have much encounter together and obviously he is not directly related to me. still, i was surprised and somehow saddened by the news. i think of him as a good person, young and promising, and hopes and dreams await him.

but then again, who am i to know that. maybe, his mission is accomplished. his life is spent. his time is up.


reflecting on that, i also remembered someone else whose time was up years back. someone who means so much to me. at that time, i was crushed. i thought his death was very untimely. it was only four months before my college graduation, and some years to go before i can pay off all his sacrifices. (pardon me for bringing this up time and again, i just can't help it. i moved on, but i never forget. how can one forget her father, anyway?)

after tatay's death, all other deaths became less shocking, more acceptable. lolo's. even dumbledore's. michael jackson's. dobby's. snape's.

i know other than lolo (and micheal jackson), all the rest are  nonexistent to begin with. but my point is, i became less attached. before, i really cry even when the death is only within the tv screen, or enclosed in the pages of a book. the stories are make-believe, but i let my emotions rule over me.

when someone dies young, we feel sorry for the person. when old, some still think it's untimely. and when it's at one's prime age, we, the living, are succumbed by regret for his or her life.


dumbledore's wise words to harry ring true:
"do not pity the dead. pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love."


the dead, i came to accept, are in a much better, safer, more beautiful place. there really should be no room for pity and regret. our hearts should be less heavy, and our tears ought to be fewer, not because we love them less, or that their worth is not too esteemed, but because for so many reasons, we must be happy for them.



and for the living, lucky are we to still have time to live some more and love some more...until our time is up.

short (and bitter) drama.

i am only human.
many of us use that as an excuse for doing or sometimes not doing things. no one can track exactly how overused that line is.

today, i join the mundane crowd who finds nothing else to blame except that truth.


i'm fed up. though majority of the time i think of myself as superwoman, i also come home to the truth that i am only human too.


23. young, ambitious, 23-year old. fed up and very much human. 


my younger siblings, who happen to be my children as well, led me into feeling this way. no, i don't hold them accountable for this ill-emotion that i'm in right now. i know so well it's my response that does the trick. and i chose to respond this way.


so, boo me.


it's just that sometimes it's tiring. most of the time it's overwhelming.

love (and madness)

posted: today. written: 07-24. 11:36 pm. for insomniacs, this is still quite early, but why do i have a feeling that the whole world is sleeping at this time of night except me?

except for the rhythmic snore of my beloved sleeping in the living room, the tinkling sound of the window chimes, and the humming of the electric fan, nothing else sound so clearly except for my bothered mind.

lights off, and i chose to keep it that way. the light from my laptop screen is the only light that keeps me company at this odd hour. i rest lappy on the kitchen table as i begin to pour out all my cluttered thoughts and crazy emotions on a then-blank notepad.


what had just happened?

when i woke up this morning, the only thing i looked forward to was seeing alvin and attending the kerygma feast with him – nothing extraordinary except that today, we celebrate our eight-year anniversary.

well, i take that back. maybe i was expecting for something more, for a bouquet of roses perhaps, a box of chocolate, or a simple token that would remind me that this sunday is unlike all the regular sundays we spend together.

little by little, though, bizarre things began to unfold. first, alvin sent me messages with a minute or so interval asking me where i am. as usual i’m on a bus on my way to megamall where we always meet up. it’s unlikely of him to be that impatient since he knows so well that i send text replies quite late when i'm on a road trip.

when i arrived in megamall, i did not inform him yet that i’m there and i decided to quickly meet my highschool friend, chuckie, whom i had prior arrangement with. i met him in krispy kreme and we were having a little chitchat when alvin entered the scene. surprised, i asked him how he knew we were there. he simply said he was passing by and saw us. of course i didn’t completely buy that idea thinking chuckie might have informed him where we were. but alvin broke my suspicion when he asked for chuckie’s number right there and then. alvin also said he’s suffering with lbm that we had to attend only the mass and skip the inspirational talk part of the k-feast. i told him that we can buy medicine to aid that but he snapped that meds like those don’t have effect on him. i was disheartened to hear that we had to skip the best part of the feast, but seeing him all sweaty and tensed, i conceded. that must really be a bad case of lbm.

after the mass, we walked past by unisilver in megamall. a few steps away from the stall, he told me that we backtrack and check out rings for a while. like a spur of the moment idea, he told me that we better buy a new ring in exchange for the one he gave me years back. after buying one, he got the ring and kept it in his pocket. i wondered why he didn’t give it to me right away but knowing him, i thought maybe he wants to add a little drama when he gives it to me at home.

our next stop was goldilocks. he said we have to buy a cake to complete the celebration. i was rooting for the junior-sized chocolate mousse while he insisted for a large brazo de mercedez. i know he is matakaw, but i didn’t see the point of buying a large one when the only people at home are nanay and ate, and since i’m not a fan of that flavor i am not much of a threat. the disappointment on my face was even obvious that he sensed it so well.


fast forward...
when we were nearing home, i noticed that our gate and door were wide open. i heard our videoke playing and someone singing. i commented it was nanay. goodness of all goodness! there they were, seven of my highschool friends at home, chuckie included, having the time of their life.

there were a lot of food in the table. nanay was busy in the kitchen. as i grabbed food to feed my rumbling stomach, i asked away a lot of questions left and right, trying to make sense of everything. i am not even halfway through eating when alvin got up and took the microphone from the one singing and asked them to sing in chorus, as he started talking.


i think i know what is coming…

it wasn’t exactly a proposal, of course i wouldn't accept a unisilver ring for an engagement ring, though he made it appear like it was a pseudo-proposal, or a mock proposal, or whatever. (alvin wants to refer to it as a despidida party for me of some sort too, hence the crowd.) with trembling voice and sweaty forehead, he addressed his “speech” to nanay, informing her that one, we really are a couple, (i didn’t inform nanay that alvin is my boyfriend again, though i know it has been quite obvious to her), two, that it has been eight years now (which was an even bigger revelation to nanay since she only know the “second time around,” she didn’t know that alvin has, in fact, been my boyfriend back in highschool), and that third, he seriously loves me and he's equally serious that he wants to marry me in the future. i know nanay was bewildered, and i kept assuring her that it was all “char” and told her not to take anything seriously.

as for me, i don’t know exactly how many times i said leche, how loud my screams were and how mean my tone was when i demanded alvin to stop using the microphone (i didn’t want the entire neighbourhood to hear him and his drama). and yes, he reserved the ring for this moment.


for the record, this is the biggest and the most effortful surprise i ever had in my life.

but truth is, it didn’t make me happier. flattered, maybe. awestruck, definitely. but i realized i am not a fan of surprises, of big grand surprises at that.

yes, alvin was oh-so-awesomely-amazing. i give A for effort (the plan was made, i learned, weeks ahead). i'm impressed at how good they kept it secret from me. nanay was even an accomplice (but she admitted she didn't know alvin will give such speech). i was glad to see my friends, but i thought i can see them at another time. i thought i can very well organize a get-together when i want one.


i still and will always delight in simple things. for a special day such as anniversary, my idea was to spend it in as much personal and quiet way as possible. sweet and simple.
no fuss, no grand speeches, no sweat. just me, alvin and pure love.

love (again)

i feel compelled to write just another post about love.


i blame it to the moon, the stars, the love bug, to alvin, to anyone or anything other than myself. what i'm trying to say is that i think this is something beyond me and my control.

tomorrow, we'll celebrate the eight-long-twisted years since we started to give that flicker of teenage love a try. i guess that's the beauty of finding a love lost. we don't go back to zero. we don't go through an awkward stage. we simply pick up and glide by where we left off.

today, there are so much yesterday thoughts, emotions and experiences rushing back in, good and bad, sane and insane.

the kisses.
the tears.
the cuddles.
the fights.
the words.
the gestures.
the plans.
the dreams.
the love.
the hate.

all these make our love authentic. exquisite. grand.

and despite and in spite of everything, here we are again.

better individuals.
changed.
grown.
driven.
defied the odds.

...and more in'love than we ever were.


i remember tets' funny remark:
eeeeeeh gaze in love with alvin again. wow. even madame auring couldn't have predicted that.

me neither. maybe just like gravity, love is too strong to resist. it's all powerful, all consuming.

nevertheless, i take back all the blame i said at the beginning of this post. i stop blaming everything and anyone else.

in all sanity and consciousness, i took the plunge to the love i know so well, to the only love i've ever known in this lifetime.

rain.

what i want to happen: i'll walk in the rain on my way home.

what actually happened: i ran in the rain on my way to my tutorial.

so i showed up wet, dripping and freezing to my students.

i have several options to prevent this from happening. one, i could have waited for the rain to stop before i go on walking. two, i could have hailed a cab since i was stranded in a place just a few meters away from the condo, which means i wouldn't have to spend so much for taxi being an anti-taxi person that i am. third, i could have asked for a favor from a passerby to spare me a little space under his/her umbrella. i could have done any of these except that one, i don't want to be late for my class, two, i didn't bring spare cash for cab fare, and third, i'm too proud to ask for a favor from a stranger on a strange night.

intentionally, i left my umbrella at home thinking i would love to walk in the rain on my way home any night this week. i forgot to take into consideration this other walk i take everyday--the 12-minute brisk walk from megamall to my students' condo unit.

so yes, this is a semi-planned occurrence.

..and i still wish to walk in the rain on my way home anytime soon ;)

love. (what else.)

8 years.

i fell in love for the first time 8 years ago.
who would have thought i'll fall in love again 8 years after.

and who would have thought that he'll be the same man.


ours wasn't a steady love affair. though eight-year term was awesome, it was an on-and-off thing.

when we separated ways almost two years ago, i vowed to myself never to fall for him again. i promised it will be for good. i had all the share of heartaches i needed. i learned all i needed to learn. i've grown and matured into a strong woman that i am now. i was doing okay, and not long after that, i was healed and emotionally whole again. i started welcoming the possibility of having a brandnew lover. someone completely new, someone who'll love me and i'll love back truly, madly, deeply.


..only to find myself comparing, wondering why i'm not feeling the way i felt for him.


i waited patiently, and sometimes impatiently, for the right love to come. only to realize that the right love i'm desperately looking for is the love i lost long before.


so this is for alvin ray joseph amacio, the love i found, lost, and found once more.
for the man i happily fall in-out-and-in love with again.
how many people are ever given that chance? To have someone you fall in love with over and over again?



and i realized, no matter how hard you try to escape and get away from that one great love, it will always pull you in...

...just like how i was pulled back in.

updates.

there have been a lot of "going's-on" recently. 


most recently, and by that i mean just 41 minutes ago, i changed my relationship status on facebook. the request has been sent a month or so ago, and believe you me, i started contemplating on that matter since. whether to click "confirm," leave it hanging there, or ignore it completely.


and so we had a deal. he did his part, i had to do mine. but more than that i think what influenced me the most was timmy's FB status for today:


‎"At the end of it all, we have friends who'll get drunk and wild with us, who'll make us realize how stupid we were, who'll make us laugh about the things we cried about, and who'll still love us for always doing what we think is right and love--and that includes loving people who they think we don't deserve..." That is why I have a lot of other reasons to smile and be happy... ^^"



i ain't a celebrity or something, but i know right after the update is being broadcast to newsfeed, friends will have their reactions, violent or otherwise. some friends may approve, others will disapprove, but i wouldn't and couldn't love them any less because of that. 


it's not as if i'm getting married or anything, so i stop all the fuss right here. :)          
                                                                                                                 
quite recently too, yesterday particularly, i finally went to the job interview for singapore gig. the night before, things are starting to dawn on me, and i felt a heavy sinking feeling. for several minutes i let the lonesomeness rush in and i let myself sob a little. i'm leaving for real. i'm about to start a new life somewhere out there, without the comfort of family and friends i know so well. 


i know i'm starting the drama way too early since i still have a month, and maybe a couple of weeks of stay. it's just that i guess, the fact that i'm leaving for two years is a bit overwhelming for me. 


2 years. yet, before we notice it, it's spent and gone. 

...on simplicity and greatness.

i have a confession to make.

this may be less shocking now because i think i've been showing signs ever since.

i am simple and i want to lead a simple life. 

well, maybe not simple simple, but simple just the same.
it dawned on me as a gentle surprise when timmy and i were exchanging updates and news one rainy day on our reunion.

for the first part we were sort of arguing. we probably missed each other too much that we started our reunion that way. knowing her and the brain she carries with her, i readied myself for such thing to happen. she asked me what my plans are, and she didn't really approve them. i know she is one great friend that's why she's acting the way she does. her mind can't conceive that i'm just doing what i'm doing and i'm planning what i'm planning.

who, exactly, should tell you the right way to live your life?

she asked me, "bakit ka pa nag-aral sa UP?" to which i snapped, "kasalanan ko bang nakapasa ako dun?"

here's the thing. UP was never my dream. truth is, i didn't have any inkling how prestigious it is until professors kept on drilling into our then-little heads how proud we must be because we are the cream of the crop. i didn't completely buy that idea. if i can just give the chance to those who really dream of it, i will.

i don't need the UP background to be great. (although i admit it has its conveniences and i enjoy them.) i wouldn't be trapped to the pressures given to UP graduates. i don't have to be on top of the corporate ladder to be successful. yes, i once dreamed to be there, but not anymore.

timmy, a little disappointed, asked me where did all my dreams go.

i just shrugged. i know i never stopped dreaming. most dreams changed, yes, but i hold on to them tightly and i have never let them go.

what i want is simple: to do something i would look forward to waking up to. something i could put all the commitment and love i am ever capable of giving, like i always do, regardless of the job title, and whether or not it meets the UP ideals. 

i'm certain i'd be great wherever i go.

i think i know what i want in life. i have my eyes fixed on my goals. i may still want the same things two years, five years or even ten years from now, maybe not.  

i simply enjoy the process of becoming.

weekend habit.

"buti pa si gazelle no, pakanta-kanta na lang."


that was my neighbor's remark. he's the dad of two of my neighborhood and childhood friends, and he's talking directly to nanay.


you see, i stay in the apartment on weekdays and it's only on weekends that i go home. and doing videoke has become my weekend habit. that's my neighbors' cue. they know that i'm home when they hear me sing early in the morning. 


i overheard him and nanay talking. he thought it's fortunate of me that i don't seem to have any more serious concern, and by that he means worry, in life. he's thinking about his own children, one older than me and the other same age as me, and their struggles in their studies and jobs.


"gazelle finished college and she's earning well," he summed up.


truth is, i just sent money to my siblings for their tuition that day, which cut my savings to half. well, maybe that's not much to worry about. my point is, life doesn't require that we have a flawless-worry-free situation before we start doing videoke, before we start humming happy tunes.


some people think i'm all settled in life.


i think, i'm not. definitely not.


i'm still creating and recreating plans.


and i find time to sing in between. 

one. then, the one.

we were in my favorite coffee shop yesterday, doing our usual thing. him, ordering coffee/chocolate drink, me, eating full rice meal. then, the real business. english tutorial session.

i'm talking about jaden, my 26-year old korean student.

sometimes we discuss movie clips, song lyrics, a book chapter. sometimes i drop questions, from simple to complicated. sometimes we discuss random things. he's up for anything, as long as he'll learn english.


i noticed i sound harsh whenever i correct his pronunciation so i asked him if he gets offended by it. yes, mean as i am, i can still be sensitive at times. to my relief, he said it's okay. i told him how much i hate it to hear anyone mispronouncing words and how much control i try to muster to not appear bossy or superior in correcting someone. it made sense to him that i am impatient in many aspects.


and i haven't kept track exactly how our conversation led to his questioning of how many boyfriends did i have. boy, you should have seen that pained look on his face when i said, ONE. he said "just one?" over and over again as if doing so would change the already given count. it's as if it was very unfortunate of me, like i was cursed or something.


so yes, that was the not-so-short background to what i've got to say, really.

here's the real thing.

there are many times i contemplate about that aspect of my life.

lovelife.

i once wondered if i was really a loser, if i wasn't given much chance and choice. but then i think again and realize that no, i'm not a loser, and no, i actually got several chances. little chances, i know, but chances still. i declined some date invitations and approved some. i met men old and new. and no one seemed to be the one i would love to love. none, yet. so staying single is pretty much a choice.

whenever i see a beautiful couple, not only on superficial level, like the newlyweds bro. george gabriel, one of the kerygma feast preachers, and dinah, i get kilig and hopeful that i'll find a love like theirs, first class.

see how they look at each other? i long for that moment when i will look at someone the same way.

i know i'm choosy. i also know it's my right to be. i believe it's just about knowing your worth, and your target market. (haha)

no, i'm not looking for a saint, nor for someone perfect.

maybe i'm just looking for a love so beautiful. lasting. inspiring.

and i wouldn't want to increase my count in finding it.


*one day, that day, and all the days after, i would love to say a line similar to tets', and mean it, with all my heart and mind, to my own harthy, to the one i love to love.
so tets, let me again borrow one of your awesome thoughts.

"And Harthy, oh my Harthy. I’m still searching and thinking of the best way to connect a word after another just so I could perfectly describe how much I love you. So for now, I hope this will do: falling, choosing and staying in love with you are the best three acts that I  look forward to doing every single day."


ain't love grand?

practicum to motherhood.

i'm getting more and more lessons on motherhood these days. only that i have it inverted.

here's why.
my first batch of children did not pass through primary education. my motherhood began with two instant college grown-ups: lui and baby, my younger siblings. even before i graduate in college, fatherless, and hand in hand with my ate, i started providing for them: allowance, tuition and all. i wasn't really able to enjoy the full benefit of being a single yuppie. four years of working, earning small and earning big showed not much difference. always, during every payday, like a mom and dad combined, wary about the family's daily expenses and budget, i have crisp and fresh-from-the-atm bills deposited directly to my sibling's bank account.

now don't get me wrong. there is no bitterness involved here. not even a slightest hint. i admit it was no fun. but i don't regret it either. this situation is one of the many significant reasons why i think i occupy space in this world. i think these kids would be my personal answer to that coffee-brand-tagline "para kanino ka bumabangon?"

then there are my students; korean teens and little ones. every single day i feel a strong desire to not just be an ordinary teacher to them. not only do i teach them grammar lessons, i also listen, as intently as i can, to what they have to say. i think of it as a privilege to be confided with their young love stories, to know their taste in music, to hear their worries and aspirations. i'm there when the little ones throw up tantrums, and though i'm no good at handling them on the first few times, i'm getting better at dealing with them lately.

at 23, i feel too old to be their sister, yet too young to be their mom. but i cherish every single moment when i feel i'm both.

one day, i want to become a great mom. and these experiences may help me fulfill exactly just that.

my little girls.

lappy, check.
internet connection, check.
time, check.
thoughts, none.

i have lappy, i've got internet connection and i have the time in the world. i would have loved to take advantage of such rare chance but i don't have some ready topic in mind to blog about. where did all my awesome thoughts and insights go?

while i try hard to recollect them, i might as well do some random "talk" for the meantime.

monday this week, i was feeling extra happy. elated, even. i started teaching my new tutees and i found out just on that same day that they are little girls.

i was very vocal about my wish of having little girls for tutees since i noticed that i've been exclusively teaching boys (of all life stages: ages 9, 10, 14, 16, 26, and 50-something). maybe the god of the universe was listening to me when i was sharing this wish to joyce one day, that it's a wish granted now.

i still love teaching boys. seung tae remains to be my favorite. but having yeji and yein is definitely a heart-warmer.

two hours of teaching these two young adorable girls didn't feel much like work, but play. it was raining when i went out of their condo unit in the fort. and i felt like singing in the rain.

and to borrow tet's line, "oh the magic of doing what you love."


should the god of wishes be listening at this exact moment, let me once again be vocal about my another wish. 
i wish to have a smart-funny-hardworking-goodlooking-longterm-awesome boyfriend soon ;)

i linger(ed).

i’ve been silent for a while. yeah, i know i may not have a lot of blog posts to begin with, so technically i was/have been/am silent. not that i ran out of topics to write about. truth is, i have a lot of “going-on” these days that i consider blog-worthy. like the time i left the company, for good.  (wow. i really breathe easy when i say that.) like how i appreciated and missed my workplace friends. like the highlights of my otherwise dull recent-work experience. like my thoughts about my current “crushing”. so much to write about, so little time to actually sit down and write about them.

but now that i have laffy (i’m bad at naming things, i know. so friends, i’m open to suggestions.) for four days now, i oblige myself to write as often as possible. 

and today, while taking a short break from one of my tutorial sessions, i read mitch albom’s have a little faith. here i found nice thoughts about religion, faith and God.  i think i’ve been so busy in making myself rich lately that i spend less and less time talking to Him or simply thinking about Him.

so yes. let’s talk about religion. or let me just relay albom’s and the rabbi’s wise words. they made me think, contemplate and eventually “renew” my faith.

albom: we live in a word where genes can be mapped, where your cells can be copied, where your face can be altered. heck, with surgery, you can go from being man into woman. we have science to tell us of the earth’s creation; rocket probes explore the universe. the sun is no longer a mystery. and the moon, which people used to worship? we brought some of it home in a pouch, right?

so why, in such a place, where the once-great mysteries have been solved, does anyone still believe in God or jesus or allah or a supreme being of any kind? haven’t we outgrown it? isn’t it like pinocchio, the puppet? when he found he could move without the strings, did he still look the same way at geppetto?

the rabbi: now. my turn. look, if you say that science will eventually prove there is no God, on that i must differ. no matter how small they take it back, to a tadpole, to an atom, there is always something they can’t explain, something that created it all at the end of the search.

and no matter how far they try to go the other way—to extend life, play around with the genes, cone this, clone that, live to one hundred and fifty—at some point, life is over. and then what happens? when life comes to an end?

albom shrugged. the rabbi continued.

you see? when you come to an end, that’s where God begins.

now. that's some food for thought.

celebrating nanay

Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother.  ~Moorish Proverb

(i liked it obviously because of the mention of the gazelle, but moreso because i simply agree. 

moms exaggerate. moms overestimate.ü)

i thank God for mothers. 

just imagine how they consciously gave up their figures to bear a human life inside them. waistlines expand to i don’t know how much. the discomfort of carrying around a bulging stomach for 9 loooong months. the unimaginable labor pain they had to go through just so that cute little thing will be able to see the world, and later on experience it's beauty and madness. and the never-ending distinct role they play to their little ones' lives.

i thank God for nanay. 

at a tender age of 21, with ate, she marked her journey to motherhood. then i came around right before she mastered the motherhood tricks, sooner than she expected, sometime in her 22^{nd year}. 

i’ll be turning 24 this year, and it still blows my mind away everytime i think about how young nanay was when she had ate and me. she was at the prime of her youth when she had to learn what it is to become selfless, to have her life no longer her own, but a life owned by some little girls. in spite and despite of my oldtime “tampo” and a couple of stale “sama ng loob”, no matter how many sweet good moms i bump into, no matter how different our views, personalities and life strategies are, eventhough what i have is a love-hate relationship with her, i honestly say, cliché as it may be, i wouldn’t exchange her for anyone else.

i don't have a perfect mom, and it's just fit and fair because i'm not a perfect daughter either.

lucky for me though, i have the best! (even if i am not the best, myself.)

and today i celebrate her beauty and madness (just like the world she allowed me to see, experience and explore).

dreams, crystalized and revised.

to belong to the twenty-something crowd is crazy. not in a bad way though, i say a plesant crazy way. 

as john ryan recabar (one of the best and extinct men bloggers i follow) put it, “we are in such a perfect time to commit mistakes for we can always reason out “hey! i’m only twenty-something”. so why don’t we risk, commit mistake for we are in the best time of our lives to learn lessons from flops done and still get away with it with a smile.”

being twenty-something is equally the best time of dreaming tall dreams, having multiple plans, as many as we can, as much as our minds can conceive, and uncaring whether they are all parallel or not, doable or otherwise; for twenty-somethings don’t have a concept of impossible.

i had that realization since i started creating my dreams one after the other, scrapping off some later on, and making new ones over and over again. and it feels good doing that, dreaming, then planning the best course of action to take in achieving them.

on a superficial level, i dream of having my own macbook air laptop. i even promised myself that i won’t settle on anything else. but to have a laptop is an immediate necessity for me (i want to be able to blog often, and probably get an online-home-based job) and i still don’t have enough resources to acquire my dream one. so i concede, i consider getting a sony vaio netbook instead. my macbook dream will take a backseat for a while.

on a more serious and long-term note, i dream of enrolling in graduate school this year, get my master’s degree in language education, continue my tutorial job, eventually put up my own tutorial center, with ate and/or my friend joicee, save up, continue making mutual fund investments, drop off being an employee to any company, and become an entrepreneur.

until..

..recently there is an open opportunity and possibility of working in singapore. and i started reconsidering things and tweaking my dreams and plans this way and that. and i realized that the adjustments just fit. i’ll be able to save-up quicker, and aim for my original dreams in lesser time. 

so yes, i'll change course. 

and i'll celebrate my being twenty-something.

and i'll never get tired of dreaming and aiming.