sensible talk and thoughts.

tonight, i had a sensible conversation with ate monette.

it's been a luxury these days to strike a talk as deep and as serious as the one we just had, considering how crazy our schedules are and how tired we always are after work.

we talked about how things are going on with us and with several people we know and look up to.

we talked about where we are and how we feel about it.

we talked about our plans and dreams and visions and illusions even before we got here in singapore and the things we want after this.

yesterday, i was telling her how tired i've been feeling, the kind that makes me feel like all the energy and enthusiasm i have in my body have been sucked out of me, and i joked about wanting to get married to a young rich man so that i wouldn't have to work anymore, about wanting to be a plain housewife whose only job would be to take care of her children and husband and make sure that their home is always a pleasant place to live in.

i laugh about it now, because in the course of our conversation tonight, i was telling her about my desire to achieve something. (sometimes, i just get overwhelmed by how tired i feel that makes me wish crazy stuff and entertain silly thoughts.)

tonight, i feel more like my fresh-highschool-grad-self who has tall dreams and ideals.

ate monette and i share the same desires somehow. we want to study some more and go someplace. although singapore is a very organized place that it's a joy to stay here, we both don't think this is where we will settle for good or for a long time at least. to live here is expensive, to say the least.

it came to me as a gentle shock to realize that all these years, i've been playing safe. i desire easy targets. i wait for things to be served to me in a silver platter with very minimal effort required of me.

it's not really an unfortunate thing, it's just that i don't remember myself wanting something so bad that i had to work my way to achieve it.

i want to know how it feels like.

my lack of enthusiasm lately is congruent to my lack of direction and control. going with the flow, i learned, is the very reason why i am feeling tired.

it's not enough to go back to the philippines rich and well-of and ready to start a business. i need an achievement more personal than that.

and i realized that i want to learn some more on something that i am best at, but even that i am not certain. i don't know where or what exactly i am best at.

that i'll figure out while i'm saving up here. and in a year's time or so, when i have enough money to choose whatever school i want to go to in whatever country i fancy, i'll take a master's degree.

self-actualization. i remember that's the top spot in maslow's hierarchy of man's needs. and with my brother's successful college exit this year, at last, and my ending financial loan, it's gonna be my top priority now.

8 months.

8 months. if i were pregnant, one month more is all i have to wait to deliver the baby.

8 months. and now my hair is in its awkward length.

it's been 8 months since that "life-changing" moment. 8 months, since i started a crazy-beautiful-sometimes heartbreaking journey in singapore. maybe, it wouldn't be as beautiful as i think it is if it wasn't for the many people who made me feel that this place is a second home. most essentially, if not for marva & ate monette.

the universe is simply good to me when my life's timeline was synchronized with ate mon's & marvs', of all people. we had our last-minute processing of papers together and we got to be together on that plane ride. from that day forward, i just new that the entire "ride" will be more exciting.

and i am right.

8 months. a friendship that started on that plane ride 8 months ago evolved into something so beautiful today. and it just keeps getting better everyday.