dilemma, crossroad, however way you wanna call it.

why do things happen and why do we have to go through all these, not just once or twice or thrice, but countless of times?

is this the universe's way of telling us, "this is all about it, take it or leave it"?

i wonder if we're learning, if we are using the past experiences to grow, to become better, to deal with things differently.

i actually thought we've changed, that we learned the ropes.

only to find out that we never really changed, not at all. we are the exact same individuals we both knew, loved, hated, despised, forgave, and gave chances to.

he can never promise me to not sulk and run away at the height of any misunderstanding and disputes.

i can never keep my promise to keep my mouth shut when i don't have good things to say. i can never promise to be gentler when i'm mad. no matter how i try, no matter how hard.

i can never force him to talk to me when he's mad knowing that he'll only shout at me, in the same way that i can never make him understand that i can bear being shouted at than being ignored.

we fight differently. we cope differently. we appreciate different things. we laugh about different jokes.

why has it been so hard for me accept that? what's taking me so long to understand that?

this is all about it. take it or leave it.

random

did you ever have that moment when you feel empty even when you think you have all you needed in life -- family, job, friends, love?

well, i do tonight. there's really something about (past) midnight.

must. sleep. now.

talking to my blogsite.

(yeah. i talk to inanimate stuff often.)

hi there! how long have i been neglecting you? how long have i kept you unseen, unheard and unnoticed? has it been a month or two? or has it been a year? or more?

you were born to be the witness of my everyday joys & struggles & nonsense. you came into existence to be the listener of my random thoughts. you're here to document anything that i feel like saying, thinking & overthinking. (not that i am consistent about blogging, still, i find it cruel that i disregarded the mere thought of having a blogsite right here).

somewhere between saving up & fixing a broken relationship i stopped introspecting. sometime in living this adult life & chasing goals i ceased to listen to my thoughts & to feel my emotions.

i stopped writing. and in turn, i stopped being honest.

today, this time, i attempt to find what little honesty left in me. it must be there somewhere, quiet and unperturbed.

for one, i seek for deep & lasting joy but i settle for momentary happiness. i choose whatever is manageable, tolerable & convenient.

there.

welcome to quarter life crisis and the frivolous insanity that comes with it.

and must i say, welcome back to blogspot? (ah. it feels good to think & write again, even if it looks more like silly writing.)