one-way conversations

little ones, i thought of you again tonight. actually, i think of you almost everyday lately. and i wonder if i am close to having you. i know that's silly. i don't even know yet who your father is so chances of conceiving you is as remote as earning my first million.

you still seem so distant but i enjoy these one-way conversations i'm having with you. at least, in my mind, i already conceived you.

i observe kids these days and it saddens me to hear their worries and fears and angsts. it's heartbreaking to witness them break each others' hearts and trample each others' egos. you know, this life is interesting. there are so many things that you need to explore and learn. you'll be reckless and ruthless, but i hope in your odyssey, you avoid causing anyone any harm or pain of any kind. i hope you learn, fully, what kindness is, how beautiful it is and how it is different from being stupid. i hope you'll know how to bring people up without allowing them to bring you down. i hope your instincts will guide you on who to trust while making yourself worthy of it. that you won't deliberately use and abuse people. that you'll be soft and gentle but you'll give the impression that says, "you messed with the wrong person." 

may your small hearts be brave, one that fights.

i'll be with you, as much you need me, as long as you want me, don't worry.

why do i want to become a mother

i am 25, my sister is 26. we are past the age when our mom had her first baby, Ate that is. she was only 21.

we talk about our diets, our jobs, our friends, our two younger siblings, our plans and dreams and hopes, our frustrations and fears, the men we liked and loved and lost. the men that we are bound to find (or the other way around).

my sister thinks the world is cruel and that everyday you have to look after your safety. she said these are one of the reasons why she doesn't want to bear a child and have a family of her own. i thought about that and inquired, "well then, given the chance, would you have wished that you weren't born in this world that you think is cruel?"

i have long accepted that the world has a plethora of atrocity. but i believe and witnessed, too, that the same world we are talking about is beautiful. i wouldn't go through a list of why it is. you know it. we all have our hundred and one reasons, and i guess everyday we find one or two more additions as to why it is worth-living. point is, every child deserves to live on earth. afterall, it is the only livable place there is, so why not live it.

she once asked me why do i want to marry, really. and i, in all confidence and certainty, answered: i am destined to become a mother and wife. i think. i feel it.

it thrills me to have little gazelle and little i-don't-know-him-yet-but-i-will-eventually crying, giggling, grinning a toothless grin and sucking their big toes like gymnasts. don't you find it adorable when babies do that? God, my heart melts everytime i see one.

i know motherhood is not just about adoring them, looking at them lovingly and posting their pictures and videos on facebook or instagram everytime they sneeze or laugh or speak their first words.

motherhood has a whole lot of daunting and challenging things in store for every woman. and so is wifehood. and i want to explore, experience and do all those things.

i want to bring children to this world and raise them, guide them, inspire them. i want to be someone who'll be there to celebrate their every milestone. i want to be the first person they'll run to for every bruised knee. i want to be the one to assure them that this world is fine and everything is. and when they grow up, i'd still be that person they can run to for bruised ego and the same person who'll remind them that defeat is okay.

i want them to know that i am trying to be a perfect person for them, but that they don't have to try to be one for me.

i want them to realize that even before they were born, i loved them. genuinely. madly. already.

and this cruel world? we'll live it together and perhaps when we do, it's gonna be less evil.

jeremiah 29:11

lately, i think i spend more time talking to God than actually conversing to live people. it's weird but it gives springs to my steps.

often, life throws crazy situations here and there, but on special times it throws the craziest possible scenario. this time is one of those special times.

i'm thankful for moments like this. it makes me more prayerful. it reminds me to submit to a higher authority above me. it shakes my faith and later on strenghtens it.

i have plan A ready and plan B handy. i'm a planner, you see. i can't afford to be a step or two behind. planning is something that makes me sleep securely at night.

then something will wake me up by showing, deliberately or not, that there are still a few angles i fail to scrutinize, some points i missed out, areas that only the Supreme Being can see clearly. and He, as always, outsmarts my plans A to Z. and i'm amazed at how He makes things possible and doable. i learn over and over again that when He wants to give you something, He'll move mountains to have it delivered right on cue.

and i'm left to wait, and trust him again, now more than ever.

i know He's cooking a very good plan. i can almost smell it.