tonight, i'm seeing pictures of married friends and i'm getting sentimental in the process. bear with me. ;)
i was asked.
"how did you move on?"
that question caught me dumbfounded i wasn't able to think and type a quick reply. if there is one long and painful phase any human will ever have to face, it is that. and as much as i hope that there is formula for it, there is none. what worked for me may not work for somebody.
my friend is hurting and wanted to move on so badly she wants to know the ABC's of it. and i wanted so much to help her. so i thought of what i went through. long and hard.
when you expect the end to come, it's a little bit easier. you prepare yourself even before the breakup takes place. you'll feel when you're growing apart. when you're no longer celebrating but only tolerating each other. when you're too much. you'll see the signs that it's coming so when it does, finally, it doesn't come off as shocking as it is supposed to be. that's what happened to me.
moving on is not something you wait to rush over you like seawaves. it's something you desire and will to happen that you'll do anything to make it work. that may include throwing away everything that reminds you of what you were, deleting photos, and lessening the stalking in social medias until you stop completely. there is nothing you should regret about in losing these memories because you don't need them anymore. they served their purpose. they made you happy at one point. but they're irrelevant now so you let go. you have to. you need to help and save yourself. you can't keep them and keep on looking back. it won't bring you anywhere.
i went through a lot of heartbreaks and breakups before this recent one. i almost gone crazy too. and every single time, i get devastated. but the good thing about it is that i learn more about myself, how i cope, how i handle things, what i should continue doing and what i need to stop doing. and every single time, i am coping better than the last.
i allowed myself to wail. yeah, not just silent-demure-poised cry. i wailed like a kid at 25, complete with stomping of feet and boxing of pillows. that night, i let all the bad thoughts in and consume me. and when they all bottled up inside me, i released them. i emptied myself. and i felt ridiculously good after that.
at a certain period i had to feign strength. i stopped showing the world how frail i am because i don't want its pity. a heartbroken human walking around is not a good sight after all. i faked it until i made it.
sure, i still sometimes wonder how he's doing. if he's dating somebody now. if he's healing. if he's forgiven me for giving up. i wish he did but even if he doesn't, i have to continue moving forward. i had to deal with my own life like how he has to deal with his.
we can only honestly wish them the best, without us. and remember that life goes on. brighter days are coming. and a much better version of you is emerging.
on moving out, moving in, moving on and beautiful beginnings
there is beauty in movement. it is a far cry from a sedentary lifestyle which i don't have plans of having anytime soon. it flickers change and new hopes. it offers unexplored possibilities and unknown realities. it, too, can bring failure of expectations. but that doesn't mean that starting anew is not worth it.
the act of moving may be something that you willed to happen. sometimes it's fate that pushed you to do so, even when you think you're one day short of being ready.
either way, life will give you reasons to move out -- an ending house-rent contract, the uncertainty of work, housemates' change of plans. things you'll only fully understand when you're overseas, working far away from home.
it rocks your smooth-sailing boat. it gives nuisances and a whole lot of discomfort. stuffing your luggage and emptying your closet is tedious. in the process, you'll find unnecessary items and even irrelevant photographs that you dismissed long ago. you'll have a small quick fight with yourself whether you'll set them straight to the open box meant for that exact purpose -- decluttering. or bring them along with you. what for, you say. surely you don't expect them to be relevant and necessary in the future, do you? so off to the thrash box they all go.
and you're down to the essentials. to things that matter.
to You.
one of the people i follow on twitter retweeted luis manzano's tweet which, (for lack of something to keep me company while sleep is being elusive this time), prompted me to view his account. in his twitter bio, i learned that he's in blogspot too. his blogsite is not up to date really but i found one short post that i deem to be striking. a little something that may not be too relevant to me yet but something i'd like to keep and hang on to for future inspiration.
here goes:
"not sure if we've met already or have yet to meet but i cant wait to find out if you are the reason why the others never worked :)"
so to You,
well. maybe it's not that i really "can't wait" (because this time around, i think i'm up for the wait time). but just so You know, it excites me to find out THAT You are the reason. maybe sooner. maybe later. it doesn't really matter when. no rush. i hope you're having the time of your life.
'til i meet You. finally.
yours in anticipation. yours, already,
gazelle.
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