tomorrow marks my silver year. it's been almost 25 years.
for that long period of time, i had fun, i got bored, i struggled, i stumbled, i wandered and wondered, until i became the woman that i am now -- a woman i am proud of but not-so-proud-of.
i went through things where i got a lot of learnings from, things i willed to happen and things i allowed fate to throw into me. i met a lot of people, wonderful ones and some i don't care for much, but both painted a different hue in my otherwise black and white world.
i've got dreams that i fulfilled and dreams i let go of, and i keep on cooking new ones.
i've made once-in-a-lifetime mistakes and mistakes that i keep on doing, some that are left undone and some that i would want to do.
i love but i was never loving.
i'm committed but not committed enough.
i judge people and i let first impressions last.
i'm strong-willed and levelheaded and opionated and argumentative and stubborn and harsh.
i'm passionate about work, goals, family, friends, communication and freedom.
for the most part, my life has been governed by logic and reason. i set boundaries and conditions. i watch people come and go. and when i'm lucky enough, i watch them stay.
for the next 25 years and more, i want to do some necessary changes and adjustments. i hope it's not too late. i know it's never too late.
i want to be soft and tender.
i want to stop thinking so highly of myself and see the goodness in others.
i want to celebrate the lives connected to mine and enjoy the times with people who stayed.
i want to stop questioning and i want to stop counting the hurts.
i want to be more understanding and caring and loving.
i want to get in touch more with my emotions and forget about reasons. i want to forget about them because they give more complications than explanations.
finally, i want to be able to love unconditionally this time around.
anticipation
it's the 6th. must i begin my countdown?
too early, obviously. i'm talking about my upcoming birthday, on the 26th. no, i don't dream and plan for a big bash. i only think of spending some quality time over barbecue in the nearby coast with my sister and some of my really good friends here. i love an intimacy like that.
but then i think (or i'd like to believe), that even at this very early stage of november, several people are, like me, filled with anticipation -- people whose lives are connected with mine or those that i touched somehow (either brutally or gently, though i really doubt about the latter) or those that i got to share with, and share in so many special ways.
i'm turning 25, and though i don't really dread aging (because i observe i am doing so gracefully), things like quarter life crisis cross my mind.
the good thing about it though is that i'm single, civil-status wise (if you'll ask me about it in a a different light, i'll say it's just too complicated. i made it that way, anyway).
and the perks of being single at 25 are limitless! this must be the part where i'll say, i am infinite! ha ha
anyway, one if them is that i've got newer plans and bolder ambitions, and i don't have to consider practically anyone in working my way towards the fulfillment of all these.
25. silver year. it feels more like a golden one!
too early, obviously. i'm talking about my upcoming birthday, on the 26th. no, i don't dream and plan for a big bash. i only think of spending some quality time over barbecue in the nearby coast with my sister and some of my really good friends here. i love an intimacy like that.
but then i think (or i'd like to believe), that even at this very early stage of november, several people are, like me, filled with anticipation -- people whose lives are connected with mine or those that i touched somehow (either brutally or gently, though i really doubt about the latter) or those that i got to share with, and share in so many special ways.
i'm turning 25, and though i don't really dread aging (because i observe i am doing so gracefully), things like quarter life crisis cross my mind.
the good thing about it though is that i'm single, civil-status wise (if you'll ask me about it in a a different light, i'll say it's just too complicated. i made it that way, anyway).
and the perks of being single at 25 are limitless! this must be the part where i'll say, i am infinite! ha ha
anyway, one if them is that i've got newer plans and bolder ambitions, and i don't have to consider practically anyone in working my way towards the fulfillment of all these.
25. silver year. it feels more like a golden one!
we nurture what we want to live.
there are many vital things in life that can't be forced. like falling in love. and moving on and away from it.
and since a college friend pm'ed me at this time, hours past midnight, to talk about her recent break-up, i'd like to focus on the latter.
some people i talked to believe that moving on must be a conscious effort. that, i agree with. but to say that it should be forced is something i don't deem effective.
i think, when tides turn and situations compel us to part ways with our (then) loved ones, it is better to let love die a natural death. by that, i mean we have to go through the natural process of crying (or wailing, if you are that type of person), then feeling strong and empowered one moment, and feeling weak and entertaining we'll-get-back-together thoughts the next. i think every girl feels that. everyone goes through that crazy shift of emotions and reasons. and we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves to expect that we will be "fully-recovered" in just a few days, or weeks, or months. we, girls, are complicated human beings, and we've got to give ourselves time.
and cliche as it may sound, this too shall pass. every heartache ends. every old flames die.
not unless, it's not what we genuinely want. because love won't die a natural death if we still keep on nurturing it, if we still keep on feeding ourselves with false hopes and blind dreams.
so at the end of the day, it's still our call. we decide.
and since a college friend pm'ed me at this time, hours past midnight, to talk about her recent break-up, i'd like to focus on the latter.
some people i talked to believe that moving on must be a conscious effort. that, i agree with. but to say that it should be forced is something i don't deem effective.
i think, when tides turn and situations compel us to part ways with our (then) loved ones, it is better to let love die a natural death. by that, i mean we have to go through the natural process of crying (or wailing, if you are that type of person), then feeling strong and empowered one moment, and feeling weak and entertaining we'll-get-back-together thoughts the next. i think every girl feels that. everyone goes through that crazy shift of emotions and reasons. and we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves to expect that we will be "fully-recovered" in just a few days, or weeks, or months. we, girls, are complicated human beings, and we've got to give ourselves time.
and cliche as it may sound, this too shall pass. every heartache ends. every old flames die.
not unless, it's not what we genuinely want. because love won't die a natural death if we still keep on nurturing it, if we still keep on feeding ourselves with false hopes and blind dreams.
so at the end of the day, it's still our call. we decide.
who you can't imagine life without?
i must set rules on blogging. never write a post at the height of your emotion, whether you are downright sad or extremely glad, and if you are a girl, i must add, when you are PMS'ing.
i believe people are not in their sane rational self when they do. though they mean whatever it is that they wrote about at that particular moment, they will find those same thoughts weird and hilarious the next time they reread them. not to mention, irrelevant. (or is it just me?)
anyway, being the kind of person that i am, that rule is futile. i don't know why, but as much as i love setting rules, i also find satisfaction in breaking them.
so you guessed it right, i am writing and PMS'ing right now.
do you know how much i hate it when people tell me every bit of details of their stories and not go direct to the point instead? that being said, do you have any idea how much i hate myself for a about 17 seconds now for rambling and not driving home my point yet?
i really have a point here, and it's gonna be a real quick one, i promise.
my friend's reply to my tweet a few hours ago caught me off-guard. she mentioned something like she can't imagine life without her boyfriend. but before i talk any further, i think it is vital to mention that this friend i am talking about is 24 years old, which means i am not talking about some silly teenage girl here who may not fully comprehend yet the weight of those words. also, this friend has been in the relationship with this same man for more than four years now (i had to check her blog to find out the exact count, and i learned they'll be celebrating their 5th year january next year). meaning. it is, indeed, a serious business!
and so i wonder, in this world of constant confusion and change and topsy-turvyness, isn't it beautiful to be certain about at least one thing, that there is that one special person you need and want so bad that you are afraid of losing?
sappy sentiment? at least i have my unbalanced hormones to blame.;P
i believe people are not in their sane rational self when they do. though they mean whatever it is that they wrote about at that particular moment, they will find those same thoughts weird and hilarious the next time they reread them. not to mention, irrelevant. (or is it just me?)
anyway, being the kind of person that i am, that rule is futile. i don't know why, but as much as i love setting rules, i also find satisfaction in breaking them.
so you guessed it right, i am writing and PMS'ing right now.
do you know how much i hate it when people tell me every bit of details of their stories and not go direct to the point instead? that being said, do you have any idea how much i hate myself for a about 17 seconds now for rambling and not driving home my point yet?
i really have a point here, and it's gonna be a real quick one, i promise.
my friend's reply to my tweet a few hours ago caught me off-guard. she mentioned something like she can't imagine life without her boyfriend. but before i talk any further, i think it is vital to mention that this friend i am talking about is 24 years old, which means i am not talking about some silly teenage girl here who may not fully comprehend yet the weight of those words. also, this friend has been in the relationship with this same man for more than four years now (i had to check her blog to find out the exact count, and i learned they'll be celebrating their 5th year january next year). meaning. it is, indeed, a serious business!
and so i wonder, in this world of constant confusion and change and topsy-turvyness, isn't it beautiful to be certain about at least one thing, that there is that one special person you need and want so bad that you are afraid of losing?
sappy sentiment? at least i have my unbalanced hormones to blame.;P
time to shine and time to share the spotlight.
you know something is worth your while when you still find yourself smiling --- hours after it.
this morning, i received messages from a new acquaintance, kuya bong (who's slowly becoming a new friend), asking me to do a recording with him. recording -- ah, it sounds so legit and grand! but no, it's nothing like that, at least for me. he and his churchmates are joining a contest and he happens to be the trainer. funny how he thought of recording my voice while singing their piece to serve as their guide during practice. really, that's hilarious. i don't mean to demean myself, self-deprecation is not my thing. but i am definitely aware of my best qualities, capabilities and talents, and singing, i know (and that, i know for sure) is not one of them.
i love singing. i go to youtube often, type in "(title of the song) with lyrics", click search and sing my lungs out. i have a total of ten voice records saved in my phone, several videos of my singing self, and videoke-ing is one of the things i love doing.
that was when kuya bong heard (and first knew) me. i was the girl who held the mic majority of the time during madz' birthday. i was the one who didn't allow anyone else hold it for more than two songs.
it's not as if glasses break when i sing. i never had a history of breaking anyone's eardrum either. i get the tones and tunes and melodies right. but i don't really carry a voice that is at par with rachelle's, tets' or ate monette's (these three, by the way, are my three good friends who, i really believe, will make lots of money in music industry should they decide to shift careers there).
so as i was saying, to receive an offer to do something as if i sing so well is uncalled for, unnecessary and unlikely. but kuya bong was not joking. he was so damned serious about it that he even offered to go to our place, meet me and get it done. he prodded me and he believed in whatever voice quality i have and he never gave me the chance to say no (the man, i figured, is not someone who will take no for an answer). he told me it is my time to shine. i should believe him, he is musically inclined, he can play the guitar and piano and he is a pro!
but it was not the prodding or the encouragement or the boladas that got me into agreeing. well maybe, part of it. but what made me say yes, wholly, was the fact that i offered the exact same thing to ate monette. i asked her to join me and i asked kuya bong to let her. and though it was not the original plan and what he had in mind, i'm pretty sure that the end result turned out to be something greater than how he envisioned it to be.
it's true. when you are given the chance to shine, it is far more rewarding when you share the spotlight.
the entire experience is truly worth my while. no. it's even worth posting and blogging about!
and have i mentioned the song, which i got to know just now, is really beautiful? i love the lyrics. here it goes..
this morning, i received messages from a new acquaintance, kuya bong (who's slowly becoming a new friend), asking me to do a recording with him. recording -- ah, it sounds so legit and grand! but no, it's nothing like that, at least for me. he and his churchmates are joining a contest and he happens to be the trainer. funny how he thought of recording my voice while singing their piece to serve as their guide during practice. really, that's hilarious. i don't mean to demean myself, self-deprecation is not my thing. but i am definitely aware of my best qualities, capabilities and talents, and singing, i know (and that, i know for sure) is not one of them.
i love singing. i go to youtube often, type in "(title of the song) with lyrics", click search and sing my lungs out. i have a total of ten voice records saved in my phone, several videos of my singing self, and videoke-ing is one of the things i love doing.
that was when kuya bong heard (and first knew) me. i was the girl who held the mic majority of the time during madz' birthday. i was the one who didn't allow anyone else hold it for more than two songs.
it's not as if glasses break when i sing. i never had a history of breaking anyone's eardrum either. i get the tones and tunes and melodies right. but i don't really carry a voice that is at par with rachelle's, tets' or ate monette's (these three, by the way, are my three good friends who, i really believe, will make lots of money in music industry should they decide to shift careers there).
so as i was saying, to receive an offer to do something as if i sing so well is uncalled for, unnecessary and unlikely. but kuya bong was not joking. he was so damned serious about it that he even offered to go to our place, meet me and get it done. he prodded me and he believed in whatever voice quality i have and he never gave me the chance to say no (the man, i figured, is not someone who will take no for an answer). he told me it is my time to shine. i should believe him, he is musically inclined, he can play the guitar and piano and he is a pro!
but it was not the prodding or the encouragement or the boladas that got me into agreeing. well maybe, part of it. but what made me say yes, wholly, was the fact that i offered the exact same thing to ate monette. i asked her to join me and i asked kuya bong to let her. and though it was not the original plan and what he had in mind, i'm pretty sure that the end result turned out to be something greater than how he envisioned it to be.
it's true. when you are given the chance to shine, it is far more rewarding when you share the spotlight.
the entire experience is truly worth my while. no. it's even worth posting and blogging about!
and have i mentioned the song, which i got to know just now, is really beautiful? i love the lyrics. here it goes..
mean catholic girl.
i don't tolerate any bad behavior.
i remember one good friend of mine labelling me as mean catholic girl. and i agree with her. i am a regular churchgoer. i am generous. i am helpful. i am kind (i know i am). but i can be mean too. and i mean really mean.
i know of people who don't seem to have a single mean bone in their body. i find them amazing. but i don't intend to be like them.
my former boyfriend told me that one of the things he liked about me is my being maldita. you may think he's nuts but i see his point. i'm a fighter. i stand for my rights and i don't allow anyone to bully me around. i respect only
those who deserve it. i treat people how they should be treated. i play fair. and my being a salesperson and your being a customer wouldn't change that. i don't really believe that customer is always right. that, to me, is bullcrap.
this, i know, is my attempt to rant. i'm ranting about the people i've personally encountered here in singapore. here i met the most lazy, dumbest, despicable and unsubstantial people i ever came to know, at least most of them.
i want to give case-and-point bases to explain my observation further but my one-hour break may not allow me to.
so let's just say, the locals here spoil each other. they set rules and they themselves break them. they ask the silliest-most-stupid-no-brainer questions.
my break is almost over so i'll rest my case for now.
i remember one good friend of mine labelling me as mean catholic girl. and i agree with her. i am a regular churchgoer. i am generous. i am helpful. i am kind (i know i am). but i can be mean too. and i mean really mean.
i know of people who don't seem to have a single mean bone in their body. i find them amazing. but i don't intend to be like them.
my former boyfriend told me that one of the things he liked about me is my being maldita. you may think he's nuts but i see his point. i'm a fighter. i stand for my rights and i don't allow anyone to bully me around. i respect only
those who deserve it. i treat people how they should be treated. i play fair. and my being a salesperson and your being a customer wouldn't change that. i don't really believe that customer is always right. that, to me, is bullcrap.
this, i know, is my attempt to rant. i'm ranting about the people i've personally encountered here in singapore. here i met the most lazy, dumbest, despicable and unsubstantial people i ever came to know, at least most of them.
i want to give case-and-point bases to explain my observation further but my one-hour break may not allow me to.
so let's just say, the locals here spoil each other. they set rules and they themselves break them. they ask the silliest-most-stupid-no-brainer questions.
my break is almost over so i'll rest my case for now.
the philippines needs our prayers.
photos regarding the incessant rainfall in the philippines spread like a wildfire all over the web. tweets and posts of friends keep on coming. they give me shivers.
my heart goes out to all the people i know back home.
and tonight, before i sleep, i say a little prayer for my beloved country and all the people in it.
keep them away, Lord, from any further harm this storm may cause them. and let this end real soon. amen.
my heart goes out to all the people i know back home.
and tonight, before i sleep, i say a little prayer for my beloved country and all the people in it.
keep them away, Lord, from any further harm this storm may cause them. and let this end real soon. amen.
i am a cerebral kind of woman.
i feel i owe the world a detailed narration of my break-up story. i actually promised i'll post one someday soon.
but it has been almost a month since it happened and i wonder whether it's lack of time or plain lack of interest on my part to actually share it in writing that i haven't kept my word until now.
except for the few selected friends that i trusted and shared my story with, i remained silent. i became less coherent when i write, i guess. and live conversations made me saner and more understandable.
then i came across this song and hearing the first two verses is like hearing my own voice.
"now and then i think of when we were together
like when you said you felt so happy you could die
i told myself that you were right for me
but felt so lonely in your company...
you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
like resignation to the end, always the end
so when we found that we could not make sense...
but i'll admit that i was glad that it was over." - somebody that i used to know
truth is, we did not fall out of love, nor did we find someone else to love to lead us to this end.
i just found out we don't make sense anymore. perhaps, we stopped making sense long time ago. i was just too stubborn and firm in my belief that he was the one right for me. until things felt not right anymore. and that my search is not yet over after all.
to come up to this conclusion is not easy. i still get delusional sometimes. but everyday i just become more certain that i'm right about this. never been this right.
but it has been almost a month since it happened and i wonder whether it's lack of time or plain lack of interest on my part to actually share it in writing that i haven't kept my word until now.
except for the few selected friends that i trusted and shared my story with, i remained silent. i became less coherent when i write, i guess. and live conversations made me saner and more understandable.
then i came across this song and hearing the first two verses is like hearing my own voice.
"now and then i think of when we were together
like when you said you felt so happy you could die
i told myself that you were right for me
but felt so lonely in your company...
you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
like resignation to the end, always the end
so when we found that we could not make sense...
but i'll admit that i was glad that it was over." - somebody that i used to know
truth is, we did not fall out of love, nor did we find someone else to love to lead us to this end.
i just found out we don't make sense anymore. perhaps, we stopped making sense long time ago. i was just too stubborn and firm in my belief that he was the one right for me. until things felt not right anymore. and that my search is not yet over after all.
to come up to this conclusion is not easy. i still get delusional sometimes. but everyday i just become more certain that i'm right about this. never been this right.
i thought it's gonna be easy. i was wrong.
i think of this as a test of some sort.
i sure still have episodes when i don't think i can remain firm on my decisions, when i find it tempting to reach out, kiss and make up. i still sometimes succumb to my emotions. but i'm doing well. i know i am. i was.
i have a good back-up. i have the best support group in the world. i have friends who remind me of what i want when i get confused. i have a sister who became unusually sweeter and gentler.
then i got a call. and i'm back to zero.
i sure still have episodes when i don't think i can remain firm on my decisions, when i find it tempting to reach out, kiss and make up. i still sometimes succumb to my emotions. but i'm doing well. i know i am. i was.
i have a good back-up. i have the best support group in the world. i have friends who remind me of what i want when i get confused. i have a sister who became unusually sweeter and gentler.
then i got a call. and i'm back to zero.
i used to dream of becoming a lawyer.
a high school friend is reminiscing our high school days this morning. funny how he kept on tagging/mentioning me on twitter whenever an old-time thought comes to mind.
then i began to travel down memory lane too. i realized high school was the grandest time of my life.
it was when i felt i was at my best. it was when i got into the twisted thing called love, for the first time. it was when i thought i can be whoever i want to be in the future.
i remembered i was the team captain of the reigning school debate team. arguing was so ecstatic then. and winning is...delicious. so delicious that it satisfied my unbelievable appetite for achievement and competition.
one of the few teachers i highly regard told me then i'll make a good lawyer someday. i believed him. and i believed in myself.
then everything became hazy after. the used to be crystal clear dreams slowly became blurry until they became unachievable altogether.
i realized, no matter how, in many degrees, i find myself amazing, i suck too. i am not persistent enough. i don't push myself hard enough. i am not reckless enough. i only go for the things i find easy. many times, i settle for less than i deserve.
changing track is long overdue. but it's never too late i believe.
then i began to travel down memory lane too. i realized high school was the grandest time of my life.
it was when i felt i was at my best. it was when i got into the twisted thing called love, for the first time. it was when i thought i can be whoever i want to be in the future.
i remembered i was the team captain of the reigning school debate team. arguing was so ecstatic then. and winning is...delicious. so delicious that it satisfied my unbelievable appetite for achievement and competition.
one of the few teachers i highly regard told me then i'll make a good lawyer someday. i believed him. and i believed in myself.
then everything became hazy after. the used to be crystal clear dreams slowly became blurry until they became unachievable altogether.
i realized, no matter how, in many degrees, i find myself amazing, i suck too. i am not persistent enough. i don't push myself hard enough. i am not reckless enough. i only go for the things i find easy. many times, i settle for less than i deserve.
changing track is long overdue. but it's never too late i believe.
a prologue.
for the past few days, and for the past few hours most especially, i learned so many things about love and relationships.
for one, love, alone, is not enough to keep the relationship going. no matter how great, powerful and grand love is, it's not the only thing in the world that the two individuals need to keep up, to grow up, to flourish.
there are so many other things that should go along with it. a whole lot more.
one day soon, i will find time to sit down and relish all those learnings and document them here.
today has been an ordeal. a good hard one. an ordeal that made me see things more clearly. one that made me so much better, stronger, and in many degrees more awesome.
i'll elaborate soon! ;)
for one, love, alone, is not enough to keep the relationship going. no matter how great, powerful and grand love is, it's not the only thing in the world that the two individuals need to keep up, to grow up, to flourish.
there are so many other things that should go along with it. a whole lot more.
one day soon, i will find time to sit down and relish all those learnings and document them here.
today has been an ordeal. a good hard one. an ordeal that made me see things more clearly. one that made me so much better, stronger, and in many degrees more awesome.
i'll elaborate soon! ;)
my love affair with the guitar.
for three days now it's the first thing i want to lay my hands on every morning and the very last thing i want to hold at night. i find it hard to get myself to sleep right away even after past midnight because i want to learn to play it the soonest i can. even with my now growing calluses, i feel the need to continue learning, memorizing & practicing the chords. this part i don't find too difficult. i'm good in memorization if i want something so bad. the only trouble i'm having is the strumming part. my timing sucks. and for so many times i sigh & almost cry in frustration. funny how my housemates constantly remind me to take it slow and easy. of course i know that. to me, it's just an impulse to sigh in resignation whenever i don't get something right. but this doesn't mean that giving up is an option. of course i know that i can't expect myself to be good only after a few times of practice, most especially that i'm learning it on my own.
i get frustrated many times. i kind of hate it that my fingers are too small that they hurt everytime i need to extend one finger to one fret and one on another just to get the chord right. my voice is not even exemplary that knowing how to play an instrument poses no definite logic and sense.
but believe it or not, for three days now, i like the emotion that stirs restless inside me (or is is just inside my head?). so this is how it feels like to want something so frickin' bad. i can't remember the time when i last felt that. it's a sensation that revs me up sometimes in a bad pressuring way, but most of the time in a good inspiring one. i want this and i want to keep on feeling this feeling.
i may continue learning or i may lose interest in the end. i am not really sure. truth is, i don't expect myself to be an expert guitarist. but this is something i'll enjoy while the drive lasts.
good thing i'm usually alone in the house that i don't have to worry about disturbing anyone with the noise i'm making.
yeah. especially on the first two days, i am so terrible in this that all i hear is noise from all the strumming. but i know, one day, i'll stop making noise and i'll start making music.
i promise, i will.:)
i get frustrated many times. i kind of hate it that my fingers are too small that they hurt everytime i need to extend one finger to one fret and one on another just to get the chord right. my voice is not even exemplary that knowing how to play an instrument poses no definite logic and sense.
but believe it or not, for three days now, i like the emotion that stirs restless inside me (or is is just inside my head?). so this is how it feels like to want something so frickin' bad. i can't remember the time when i last felt that. it's a sensation that revs me up sometimes in a bad pressuring way, but most of the time in a good inspiring one. i want this and i want to keep on feeling this feeling.
i may continue learning or i may lose interest in the end. i am not really sure. truth is, i don't expect myself to be an expert guitarist. but this is something i'll enjoy while the drive lasts.
good thing i'm usually alone in the house that i don't have to worry about disturbing anyone with the noise i'm making.
yeah. especially on the first two days, i am so terrible in this that all i hear is noise from all the strumming. but i know, one day, i'll stop making noise and i'll start making music.
i promise, i will.:)
missing home tonight.
i looked at my brother's and sister's and nanay's most recent pictures tonight. and it's apparent that they are months older, more than half a year even, without me around.
i looked at nanay's face. though she has that distinct awkward childlike grin in her face there is no denying that she's not getting any younger. what with another year added to her just five days ago.
i wonder how many OFWs braved it and survived it. the challenge of being away from their loved ones. i wonder how alvin's mom successfully go through it year after year after year. it must be easier for me since i am just a sister and a daughter. but not to her. she's a mother. and leaving behind her son at a very fragile state as a baby, not being able to watch him grow, not being there when he uttered his first word, when he walked his first step, when he had his first crush--it must be excruciatingly painful to her. the vacations on a yearly or every other year's basis with it's days numbered is pretty much the best they can claim, hoping it can somehow compensate to the years that passed them by.
nothing in the world can quite appease me on moments like this, when i miss my family more strongly than ever. sure, there is easy access of twitter and facebook and phonecalls to bridge the gap and to somehow heal one's homesickness. still, all these bridges only prove effective and helpful for a few couple of hours. after it runs out its effect, it leaves me missing them more.
i'm actually not really happy about not attending my brother's graduation and not being personally there to talk to him about his plans and actions after that. i wish i can be right there where he is to offer him the best encouragement that i can give.
truth is, i can easily file a vacation leave and fly back home if i wish to see them. only that i'm starting to allocate most of what i have to a future i'm starting to create.
for now, i have to muster a great deal of self-control to not impulsively and recklessly go home. i have to steer clear on that. the next time i'll be home, it's gonna be well-planned and i'll be all ready. it won't only be a 5-day vacation but a longer stay i hope. and i'll make the most of it.
i promised to attend my youngest sister's graduation next year (like how i promised my brother). but the odds will be better then and this time, i'll be able to fulfill it.
and along with this clear plan, i also promise myself that when i get to have my own family in the future, i wouldn't be unavailable and distant to my kids and husband. i won't, by all means, allow it. because life, i learned, is too short and precious to be away from your loved ones. and many times there are special moments with them (you wish) you wouldn't miss for the world.
i looked at nanay's face. though she has that distinct awkward childlike grin in her face there is no denying that she's not getting any younger. what with another year added to her just five days ago.
i wonder how many OFWs braved it and survived it. the challenge of being away from their loved ones. i wonder how alvin's mom successfully go through it year after year after year. it must be easier for me since i am just a sister and a daughter. but not to her. she's a mother. and leaving behind her son at a very fragile state as a baby, not being able to watch him grow, not being there when he uttered his first word, when he walked his first step, when he had his first crush--it must be excruciatingly painful to her. the vacations on a yearly or every other year's basis with it's days numbered is pretty much the best they can claim, hoping it can somehow compensate to the years that passed them by.
nothing in the world can quite appease me on moments like this, when i miss my family more strongly than ever. sure, there is easy access of twitter and facebook and phonecalls to bridge the gap and to somehow heal one's homesickness. still, all these bridges only prove effective and helpful for a few couple of hours. after it runs out its effect, it leaves me missing them more.
i'm actually not really happy about not attending my brother's graduation and not being personally there to talk to him about his plans and actions after that. i wish i can be right there where he is to offer him the best encouragement that i can give.
truth is, i can easily file a vacation leave and fly back home if i wish to see them. only that i'm starting to allocate most of what i have to a future i'm starting to create.
for now, i have to muster a great deal of self-control to not impulsively and recklessly go home. i have to steer clear on that. the next time i'll be home, it's gonna be well-planned and i'll be all ready. it won't only be a 5-day vacation but a longer stay i hope. and i'll make the most of it.
i promised to attend my youngest sister's graduation next year (like how i promised my brother). but the odds will be better then and this time, i'll be able to fulfill it.
and along with this clear plan, i also promise myself that when i get to have my own family in the future, i wouldn't be unavailable and distant to my kids and husband. i won't, by all means, allow it. because life, i learned, is too short and precious to be away from your loved ones. and many times there are special moments with them (you wish) you wouldn't miss for the world.
hunger games.
i am halfway through the story when i started reading it again today. and i actually devoted my first eight waking hours into finishing it, stopping only for breakfast, three bathroom breaks, and that little exchange of pm's with alvin.
i'm a useless person today for staying in bed to read. but i'm pretty satisfied at how i spent today's work-off.
everytime i finish reading a good book, i get a sense of accomplishment. and just like any great sequeled one, finishing book one just makes me crave for more -- to get a hold of the second installment asap!
it's been so long since i had a good read, since i actually held a real book in my hand, turning it's crisp pages one after the other. reading stuff online made me miss such experience so much.
i've got to read a real book more often. i need to will myself to.
i'm a useless person today for staying in bed to read. but i'm pretty satisfied at how i spent today's work-off.
everytime i finish reading a good book, i get a sense of accomplishment. and just like any great sequeled one, finishing book one just makes me crave for more -- to get a hold of the second installment asap!
it's been so long since i had a good read, since i actually held a real book in my hand, turning it's crisp pages one after the other. reading stuff online made me miss such experience so much.
i've got to read a real book more often. i need to will myself to.
it's terrible to be a woman!
i say it every month. because it happens every month.
i'm planning to write about it myself, but the pain is just too much that i can't think straight and all i'm aware of is this terrible terrible period that i'll just settle on this one. this captured my exact thoughts and feelings anyway.
i'm planning to write about it myself, but the pain is just too much that i can't think straight and all i'm aware of is this terrible terrible period that i'll just settle on this one. this captured my exact thoughts and feelings anyway.
but when i come across pretty clothes like this, i forget the pain for a second and i feel like i can hop out of the bed to go hunting and shopping for it! and it makes me realize it's still wonderful to be a woman. at least i have the license to wear stuff like this!
may begins.
as april is officially gone and spent, i want to remember some dates that served as the past month's highlights.
easter sunday. for so many reasons it is my favorite day of the whole lenten season. it also happened to be ate monette's birthday which translates to good time and fancy cakes.
annual bonus! this translates to (more) money, which in turn, translates to more remittances.
alvin's grad. finally. which means he's going to be a taxpayer sooner than later. on a serious note, i actually felt the urge to fly home to give him the tightest hug i can ever give to let him know that i am as delighted as he was. i even got a little teary-eyed after talking to him on the phone that day.
and there's my brother's grand grad day too! it was like seeing the fruits of your labor. that at last, we (ate and i) produced one graduate in the family (one more to go!). i'm a proud sister and i'm excited for him, for whatever awaits him.
now, may is really here. i am seing lots of mango trees teeming with baby mango fruits already. i love being in the province back home whenever may sets in. i love eating indian mangoes until my stomach aches.
but more than the mango season, i love the coming of may for the days that we're going to celebrate and the same old dates that i remember monthly.
the universal mothers' day. my own mom's (birth)day. our 9th monthsary in SG. the Great Singapore Sale. the 48th monthsary/4th anniversary (and a lifetime more) with alvin.
welcome may!
easter sunday. for so many reasons it is my favorite day of the whole lenten season. it also happened to be ate monette's birthday which translates to good time and fancy cakes.
annual bonus! this translates to (more) money, which in turn, translates to more remittances.
alvin's grad. finally. which means he's going to be a taxpayer sooner than later. on a serious note, i actually felt the urge to fly home to give him the tightest hug i can ever give to let him know that i am as delighted as he was. i even got a little teary-eyed after talking to him on the phone that day.
and there's my brother's grand grad day too! it was like seeing the fruits of your labor. that at last, we (ate and i) produced one graduate in the family (one more to go!). i'm a proud sister and i'm excited for him, for whatever awaits him.
now, may is really here. i am seing lots of mango trees teeming with baby mango fruits already. i love being in the province back home whenever may sets in. i love eating indian mangoes until my stomach aches.
but more than the mango season, i love the coming of may for the days that we're going to celebrate and the same old dates that i remember monthly.
the universal mothers' day. my own mom's (birth)day. our 9th monthsary in SG. the Great Singapore Sale. the 48th monthsary/4th anniversary (and a lifetime more) with alvin.
welcome may!
sensible talk and thoughts.
tonight, i had a sensible conversation with ate monette.
it's been a luxury these days to strike a talk as deep and as serious as the one we just had, considering how crazy our schedules are and how tired we always are after work.
we talked about how things are going on with us and with several people we know and look up to.
we talked about where we are and how we feel about it.
we talked about our plans and dreams and visions and illusions even before we got here in singapore and the things we want after this.
yesterday, i was telling her how tired i've been feeling, the kind that makes me feel like all the energy and enthusiasm i have in my body have been sucked out of me, and i joked about wanting to get married to a young rich man so that i wouldn't have to work anymore, about wanting to be a plain housewife whose only job would be to take care of her children and husband and make sure that their home is always a pleasant place to live in.
i laugh about it now, because in the course of our conversation tonight, i was telling her about my desire to achieve something. (sometimes, i just get overwhelmed by how tired i feel that makes me wish crazy stuff and entertain silly thoughts.)
tonight, i feel more like my fresh-highschool-grad-self who has tall dreams and ideals.
ate monette and i share the same desires somehow. we want to study some more and go someplace. although singapore is a very organized place that it's a joy to stay here, we both don't think this is where we will settle for good or for a long time at least. to live here is expensive, to say the least.
it came to me as a gentle shock to realize that all these years, i've been playing safe. i desire easy targets. i wait for things to be served to me in a silver platter with very minimal effort required of me.
it's not really an unfortunate thing, it's just that i don't remember myself wanting something so bad that i had to work my way to achieve it.
i want to know how it feels like.
my lack of enthusiasm lately is congruent to my lack of direction and control. going with the flow, i learned, is the very reason why i am feeling tired.
it's not enough to go back to the philippines rich and well-of and ready to start a business. i need an achievement more personal than that.
and i realized that i want to learn some more on something that i am best at, but even that i am not certain. i don't know where or what exactly i am best at.
that i'll figure out while i'm saving up here. and in a year's time or so, when i have enough money to choose whatever school i want to go to in whatever country i fancy, i'll take a master's degree.
self-actualization. i remember that's the top spot in maslow's hierarchy of man's needs. and with my brother's successful college exit this year, at last, and my ending financial loan, it's gonna be my top priority now.
it's been a luxury these days to strike a talk as deep and as serious as the one we just had, considering how crazy our schedules are and how tired we always are after work.
we talked about how things are going on with us and with several people we know and look up to.
we talked about where we are and how we feel about it.
we talked about our plans and dreams and visions and illusions even before we got here in singapore and the things we want after this.
yesterday, i was telling her how tired i've been feeling, the kind that makes me feel like all the energy and enthusiasm i have in my body have been sucked out of me, and i joked about wanting to get married to a young rich man so that i wouldn't have to work anymore, about wanting to be a plain housewife whose only job would be to take care of her children and husband and make sure that their home is always a pleasant place to live in.
i laugh about it now, because in the course of our conversation tonight, i was telling her about my desire to achieve something. (sometimes, i just get overwhelmed by how tired i feel that makes me wish crazy stuff and entertain silly thoughts.)
tonight, i feel more like my fresh-highschool-grad-self who has tall dreams and ideals.
ate monette and i share the same desires somehow. we want to study some more and go someplace. although singapore is a very organized place that it's a joy to stay here, we both don't think this is where we will settle for good or for a long time at least. to live here is expensive, to say the least.
it came to me as a gentle shock to realize that all these years, i've been playing safe. i desire easy targets. i wait for things to be served to me in a silver platter with very minimal effort required of me.
it's not really an unfortunate thing, it's just that i don't remember myself wanting something so bad that i had to work my way to achieve it.
i want to know how it feels like.
my lack of enthusiasm lately is congruent to my lack of direction and control. going with the flow, i learned, is the very reason why i am feeling tired.
it's not enough to go back to the philippines rich and well-of and ready to start a business. i need an achievement more personal than that.
and i realized that i want to learn some more on something that i am best at, but even that i am not certain. i don't know where or what exactly i am best at.
that i'll figure out while i'm saving up here. and in a year's time or so, when i have enough money to choose whatever school i want to go to in whatever country i fancy, i'll take a master's degree.
self-actualization. i remember that's the top spot in maslow's hierarchy of man's needs. and with my brother's successful college exit this year, at last, and my ending financial loan, it's gonna be my top priority now.
8 months.
8 months. if i were pregnant, one month more is all i have to wait to deliver the baby.
8 months. and now my hair is in its awkward length.
it's been 8 months since that "life-changing" moment. 8 months, since i started a crazy-beautiful-sometimes heartbreaking journey in singapore. maybe, it wouldn't be as beautiful as i think it is if it wasn't for the many people who made me feel that this place is a second home. most essentially, if not for marva & ate monette.
the universe is simply good to me when my life's timeline was synchronized with ate mon's & marvs', of all people. we had our last-minute processing of papers together and we got to be together on that plane ride. from that day forward, i just new that the entire "ride" will be more exciting.
and i am right.
8 months. a friendship that started on that plane ride 8 months ago evolved into something so beautiful today. and it just keeps getting better everyday.
8 months. and now my hair is in its awkward length.
it's been 8 months since that "life-changing" moment. 8 months, since i started a crazy-beautiful-sometimes heartbreaking journey in singapore. maybe, it wouldn't be as beautiful as i think it is if it wasn't for the many people who made me feel that this place is a second home. most essentially, if not for marva & ate monette.
the universe is simply good to me when my life's timeline was synchronized with ate mon's & marvs', of all people. we had our last-minute processing of papers together and we got to be together on that plane ride. from that day forward, i just new that the entire "ride" will be more exciting.
and i am right.
8 months. a friendship that started on that plane ride 8 months ago evolved into something so beautiful today. and it just keeps getting better everyday.
the one who walked away
i had a funny experience.
i have a friend who walked out of my life months ago and "came back" recently.
it has been more than half a year, actually. during the first few months, i was kinda devastated. i even tried to revive the friendship we had. but i didn't try hard enough. not because i'm a bitch, but because i am a strong believer of true friendship. and true friendship, to me, means never having to walk out of each other's life no matter how ugly and sour things become.
if someone can't stand the things i do and fail to do, i let them go their merry way. i don't cling on to them and i don't beg them to stay. because there's a whole lot others who will simply let you be, who will get offended when you make harsh remarks, but will accept your apology, who will get hurt when you fail to fulfill your promise but will understand anyway.
in all honesty, i don't harbor any ill feelings when somebody walks out of me. i also do that when i begin to feel that a person is toxic. i get away. it's our right to do so. as they say, we can't choose our parents, but we can choose our friends. it's a freedom we all should take full advantage of.
i was surprised to receive a pm from her out of the blue few days ago, asking me if we are okay, telling me to put the past petty misunderstang/tampuhan/whatever behind and be good friends, just the way we were.
who am i to reject that? i was
okay and i wasn't even mad at her for ignoring me for such a long time.
maybe some friends are like that. they will distance themselves, take a space, and clear their heads. and one day, no matter how long it will take them, they'll be right back, ready to accept that you'll still be the same you--someone who may fail to keep a promise, who will be brutal and honest, and will still want to patch things up and be a friend all over again.
oh girl friends! they can be full of drama sometimes, but i really can't imagine a life without them.
i have a friend who walked out of my life months ago and "came back" recently.
it has been more than half a year, actually. during the first few months, i was kinda devastated. i even tried to revive the friendship we had. but i didn't try hard enough. not because i'm a bitch, but because i am a strong believer of true friendship. and true friendship, to me, means never having to walk out of each other's life no matter how ugly and sour things become.
if someone can't stand the things i do and fail to do, i let them go their merry way. i don't cling on to them and i don't beg them to stay. because there's a whole lot others who will simply let you be, who will get offended when you make harsh remarks, but will accept your apology, who will get hurt when you fail to fulfill your promise but will understand anyway.
in all honesty, i don't harbor any ill feelings when somebody walks out of me. i also do that when i begin to feel that a person is toxic. i get away. it's our right to do so. as they say, we can't choose our parents, but we can choose our friends. it's a freedom we all should take full advantage of.
i was surprised to receive a pm from her out of the blue few days ago, asking me if we are okay, telling me to put the past petty misunderstang/tampuhan/whatever behind and be good friends, just the way we were.
who am i to reject that? i was
okay and i wasn't even mad at her for ignoring me for such a long time.
maybe some friends are like that. they will distance themselves, take a space, and clear their heads. and one day, no matter how long it will take them, they'll be right back, ready to accept that you'll still be the same you--someone who may fail to keep a promise, who will be brutal and honest, and will still want to patch things up and be a friend all over again.
oh girl friends! they can be full of drama sometimes, but i really can't imagine a life without them.
to the only love i know.
days ago, i was thinking about what to give you or what to do to make your birthday a little more special than it already is. i feel compelled to do something extra sweet to compensate to the fact that i'm here and you're there. but truth is, there's really nothing i can do to cover that up.
there are a bunch of significant reasons why this day calls for a celebration--why you were born. but there is one of those reasons that smittens me--you were born for me. do you believe that? because i strongly do.
always, when there is nothing much left for me to think or worry about, i take comfort in reminiscing the times when i first knew you. you were very much a typical highschooler then. we were opposites. i was stiff, serious and unfriendly. you were fun, easygoing, and lovable. many years after, i'm pleased to think that we got to go to the same school, became classmates and that our paths crossed.
do you know that i am proud of you? i'm proud of you because i know exactly who you are. i'm thankful too that you gave me the chance to get to know you to bits, to the depths of your being.
to a friend, you are generous and ever-helpful. many times, i have witnessed that. you give whatever you can give and you help at the greatest extent that you can.
i'll always be amazed too, at how much you love your mom. it's obvious to me and to everyone. and i respect you and people like you so highly. i know too how much you love your dad, even when you don't make it too apparent.
when i think about all the things that you've been through in all the years that passed, i fall more deeply in love with you and i get even prouder of you. you surpassed all of those and you won over them. and you're closer to becoming into a man that you wanted to become.
(i am doing this last minute blogging and you cut me off by making a tango call. but that was actually sweet of you to make that quick call to show tita/mommy to me and me to her ☺. thank you! that just made me love you more.)
i'm lucky to have you. truth is, i'm thankful to God and to the universe that i didn't go through the trouble of meeting and loving a number of men, and having my heart broken numerous times in the end.
sure, i went to a lot of heartaches with you. but i don't regret any of them. i'm glad that it is with you, and YOU ALONE, that i shared all those juvenile mistakes, petty fights and hardcore heartbreaks. i'm glad that after all the bad times, we are together to pick the good times up, and together still to make new ones.
you give me so many reasons to be happy. and i'd go mad thinking about a future spent with somebody else and not you.
i can actually go nonstop pouring out all my thoughts about you. i have plenty of them. but i'm confident i have an entire lifetime to do that.
so for now, all i just wanted to say is that i'm extremely grateful that early in life, i found, and lost, and found once again (thank heavens!) that one man who was born for me, the one who's crazy enough to be willing to understand me and care for me and love me even at my worst.
"it's as if the power of the universe conspired to make you mine.."
-born for you
happy birthday dada! i love you, truly, madly, deeply, for the highschool boy that you were, the man that you are now, and the man that you will become.
there are a bunch of significant reasons why this day calls for a celebration--why you were born. but there is one of those reasons that smittens me--you were born for me. do you believe that? because i strongly do.
always, when there is nothing much left for me to think or worry about, i take comfort in reminiscing the times when i first knew you. you were very much a typical highschooler then. we were opposites. i was stiff, serious and unfriendly. you were fun, easygoing, and lovable. many years after, i'm pleased to think that we got to go to the same school, became classmates and that our paths crossed.
do you know that i am proud of you? i'm proud of you because i know exactly who you are. i'm thankful too that you gave me the chance to get to know you to bits, to the depths of your being.
to a friend, you are generous and ever-helpful. many times, i have witnessed that. you give whatever you can give and you help at the greatest extent that you can.
i'll always be amazed too, at how much you love your mom. it's obvious to me and to everyone. and i respect you and people like you so highly. i know too how much you love your dad, even when you don't make it too apparent.
when i think about all the things that you've been through in all the years that passed, i fall more deeply in love with you and i get even prouder of you. you surpassed all of those and you won over them. and you're closer to becoming into a man that you wanted to become.
(i am doing this last minute blogging and you cut me off by making a tango call. but that was actually sweet of you to make that quick call to show tita/mommy to me and me to her ☺. thank you! that just made me love you more.)
i'm lucky to have you. truth is, i'm thankful to God and to the universe that i didn't go through the trouble of meeting and loving a number of men, and having my heart broken numerous times in the end.
sure, i went to a lot of heartaches with you. but i don't regret any of them. i'm glad that it is with you, and YOU ALONE, that i shared all those juvenile mistakes, petty fights and hardcore heartbreaks. i'm glad that after all the bad times, we are together to pick the good times up, and together still to make new ones.
you give me so many reasons to be happy. and i'd go mad thinking about a future spent with somebody else and not you.
i can actually go nonstop pouring out all my thoughts about you. i have plenty of them. but i'm confident i have an entire lifetime to do that.
so for now, all i just wanted to say is that i'm extremely grateful that early in life, i found, and lost, and found once again (thank heavens!) that one man who was born for me, the one who's crazy enough to be willing to understand me and care for me and love me even at my worst.
"it's as if the power of the universe conspired to make you mine.."
-born for you
happy birthday dada! i love you, truly, madly, deeply, for the highschool boy that you were, the man that you are now, and the man that you will become.
long-overdue birthday blogpost for the first man i ever loved.
i am not a daddy's girl and neither was i his favorite kid. i still believe that majority of the time, he favored the pretty-angelic-faced ate over the snob-tough-and-maldita-looking me. no sibling rivalry intended, anyway.:)
it is, however, safe to say that he was my first love, the first man that awed and amazed me. it must be his wit, humor, and tough love that made me wish, as a young girl, that someday i'll find someone like him. he was the authority i look up to and respect highly. it was his decisions that mattered to me other than my own.
last march 8, he should have turned 48 if not for his untimely demise more than three years back (reminiscing makes me wonder, has it really been that long?). he should have been a young father to grown-ups--ate at 25 and baby at 20. he should have walked with me on my college graduation march. he should have been a proud and beaming father to a up diliman graduate. it's something that he looked forward to as much as i did. and he should walk me or ate or baby, whoever marries first, down the aisle in the future.
whoever i am now, i say that for the most part, i owe it to my father. i learned how it is to become responsible and independent and self-sufficient because he taught me how. and he believed in me more than i believed in myself.
at 22, at the age when young men just start to dream, become idealistic, liberated and exploring, he became a father. and whether that was planned or unplanned, he and nanay did a great job through the years. they were able to raise four awesome children.
he was my biggest fan and my best critic. i can vividly recall how intently he listens to me whenever i have to speak in public, like the bible readings in church, the welcome address on my high school graduation, the impromptu and extemporaneous speeches during school competitions, my reading of class will and testament on our high school prom, my declamation pieces even. he never missed a single moment. always, i'll spot him in the sea of people, nodding in agreement and sometimes shaking his head. and he'll tell me how great i spoke, how pleasant my voice was, or how silly i sounded. he'll tell me the proper way to pronounce a word the next time i read a bible verse in visayan dialect.
i'm way past the age when he became a parent himself. over the years, i came to realize that being so is the hardest role one can ever play in this lifetime, and how he managed to do a very good job is something that blows my mind away.
one day, someday, when i become a parent myself, he'll be my inspiration, just like how he has always been in all my undertakings.
i miss you terribly tatay.
it is, however, safe to say that he was my first love, the first man that awed and amazed me. it must be his wit, humor, and tough love that made me wish, as a young girl, that someday i'll find someone like him. he was the authority i look up to and respect highly. it was his decisions that mattered to me other than my own.
last march 8, he should have turned 48 if not for his untimely demise more than three years back (reminiscing makes me wonder, has it really been that long?). he should have been a young father to grown-ups--ate at 25 and baby at 20. he should have walked with me on my college graduation march. he should have been a proud and beaming father to a up diliman graduate. it's something that he looked forward to as much as i did. and he should walk me or ate or baby, whoever marries first, down the aisle in the future.
whoever i am now, i say that for the most part, i owe it to my father. i learned how it is to become responsible and independent and self-sufficient because he taught me how. and he believed in me more than i believed in myself.
at 22, at the age when young men just start to dream, become idealistic, liberated and exploring, he became a father. and whether that was planned or unplanned, he and nanay did a great job through the years. they were able to raise four awesome children.
he was my biggest fan and my best critic. i can vividly recall how intently he listens to me whenever i have to speak in public, like the bible readings in church, the welcome address on my high school graduation, the impromptu and extemporaneous speeches during school competitions, my reading of class will and testament on our high school prom, my declamation pieces even. he never missed a single moment. always, i'll spot him in the sea of people, nodding in agreement and sometimes shaking his head. and he'll tell me how great i spoke, how pleasant my voice was, or how silly i sounded. he'll tell me the proper way to pronounce a word the next time i read a bible verse in visayan dialect.
i'm way past the age when he became a parent himself. over the years, i came to realize that being so is the hardest role one can ever play in this lifetime, and how he managed to do a very good job is something that blows my mind away.
one day, someday, when i become a parent myself, he'll be my inspiration, just like how he has always been in all my undertakings.
i miss you terribly tatay.
march-starter
it's been almost a month since i last blogged. for that entire period there were many thoughts that ran through my head but i was too lazy to put them into writing. i was even too lazy to entertain them. i just wanted to, for a while, stop making sense of anything and just go with the flow.
my sister pm'ed me, somewhat disappointed, that i don't have any new entry here.
now that vidskip.com is no longer active, which is very heartbreaking, maybe i'll have more time to reflect & blog.
so as i am, at the moment, waiting for ate monette to finish taking a shower, i'm blabbering here. just so i can have an entry for march.
come to think of it, i actually have more sensible thoughts for march other than blabbers like this.
but ate monette is done and it's my turn to take a shower.
more posts for march. ciao for now!:)
my sister pm'ed me, somewhat disappointed, that i don't have any new entry here.
now that vidskip.com is no longer active, which is very heartbreaking, maybe i'll have more time to reflect & blog.
so as i am, at the moment, waiting for ate monette to finish taking a shower, i'm blabbering here. just so i can have an entry for march.
come to think of it, i actually have more sensible thoughts for march other than blabbers like this.
but ate monette is done and it's my turn to take a shower.
more posts for march. ciao for now!:)
it is vday tomorrow!
being in a happy, secure and longtime relationship, it may come as a surprise to say that valentines' day bears no significance to me. there isn't any fond memory to recollect. nothing at all to make my heart skip a beat.
i vividly remember only one valentine's day that we ever spent the occasion together. for the many years that we've been in and out of the relationship, there was only that one chance. except for the fireworks display we watched in UP and the chocolates he gave me and the personalized t'shirt i wore that says gaze heart alvin, that day was not that grand and magical. maybe because our emotions weren't in place that day. maybe because we were already falling apart that time.
so for the most part, valentines' has been nothing but a cold passing day. and possibly, it's gonna be that same way this year.
so yeah, i'm a little sad that we're not going to be together again this time. but before i turn anyone's mood to sad and low, let me declare this.
valentines' day may not be grand, but all the days eversince we've been back to each other's life made me feel like it's valentines' day and christmas day combined.
everyday is grand, magical, and love'filled. everyday is full of good madness.
i vividly remember only one valentine's day that we ever spent the occasion together. for the many years that we've been in and out of the relationship, there was only that one chance. except for the fireworks display we watched in UP and the chocolates he gave me and the personalized t'shirt i wore that says gaze heart alvin, that day was not that grand and magical. maybe because our emotions weren't in place that day. maybe because we were already falling apart that time.
so for the most part, valentines' has been nothing but a cold passing day. and possibly, it's gonna be that same way this year.
so yeah, i'm a little sad that we're not going to be together again this time. but before i turn anyone's mood to sad and low, let me declare this.
valentines' day may not be grand, but all the days eversince we've been back to each other's life made me feel like it's valentines' day and christmas day combined.
everyday is grand, magical, and love'filled. everyday is full of good madness.
Friends and me.
i am thankful for tets. other than the strange awesome friendship we share, i am extremely thankful and happy that she introduced Friends to me.
you see, i am not a movie or tv series afficionado. i don't even know who in the world david beckham is, which, by the way, blew my roomates' brains out. and they still have a hard time collecting every fallen piece of their brains back because there are still gazillion other hollywood personalities that i am not familiar with. i still, without fail, give them the "i-don't-know-him/her look whenever they mention someone, no matter how famous they say he/she is or how many oscar awards he/she won. seriously. and if this fact about me would make me less of an awesome person, i don't care.
i am this kind of person. so to know Friends and to have watched all its episodes from start to finish is something beyond me.
Friends is definitely worth knowing and watching and re'watching many times over. the wit, the humor, the interesting, crazy and weird characters, and the extraordinary and bizarre friendship they share all boil down to one thing--perfection.
no wonder tets is addicted to it. and now that i am on my 6-day leave, relaxation is about re'watching Friends, from the top.
so i may not know david beckham exactly. but what i do know is that david crane is a genius.
i gotta get back to watching Friends now. oh, sweet life! ;)
you see, i am not a movie or tv series afficionado. i don't even know who in the world david beckham is, which, by the way, blew my roomates' brains out. and they still have a hard time collecting every fallen piece of their brains back because there are still gazillion other hollywood personalities that i am not familiar with. i still, without fail, give them the "i-don't-know-him/her look whenever they mention someone, no matter how famous they say he/she is or how many oscar awards he/she won. seriously. and if this fact about me would make me less of an awesome person, i don't care.
i am this kind of person. so to know Friends and to have watched all its episodes from start to finish is something beyond me.
Friends is definitely worth knowing and watching and re'watching many times over. the wit, the humor, the interesting, crazy and weird characters, and the extraordinary and bizarre friendship they share all boil down to one thing--perfection.
no wonder tets is addicted to it. and now that i am on my 6-day leave, relaxation is about re'watching Friends, from the top.
so i may not know david beckham exactly. but what i do know is that david crane is a genius.
i gotta get back to watching Friends now. oh, sweet life! ;)
what i hate.
i am serious when i say i hate an image of a man surrounded with beer bottles and packs of cigarette.
my father drinks a lot (he ain't a smoker though. thank god). it is during those times that i hate seeing him. i love him with all my heart but it breaks me to see him drunk, out of control and noisy. i've seen him drunk many many times. and i hate all those times. as a kid, i find him scary.
i don't have any problem when people drink for an occasion and celebration, or depression, even. buying tatay two bottles of sanmig light as a treat after painting our roof in dela costa during his vacation there was one of my fondest memory of him. and i like it when nanay and tatay, just the two of them, drink together at home for some relaxation and chill time. that i find sweet.
but it matters to me and i definitely mind when people drink a lot, a whole lot. i don't really understand why they need to drink so much. i'm wodering what benefit are they getting from it.
and even now that i am all grown up, i still find drunk men scary and despicable.
my father drinks a lot (he ain't a smoker though. thank god). it is during those times that i hate seeing him. i love him with all my heart but it breaks me to see him drunk, out of control and noisy. i've seen him drunk many many times. and i hate all those times. as a kid, i find him scary.
i don't have any problem when people drink for an occasion and celebration, or depression, even. buying tatay two bottles of sanmig light as a treat after painting our roof in dela costa during his vacation there was one of my fondest memory of him. and i like it when nanay and tatay, just the two of them, drink together at home for some relaxation and chill time. that i find sweet.
but it matters to me and i definitely mind when people drink a lot, a whole lot. i don't really understand why they need to drink so much. i'm wodering what benefit are they getting from it.
and even now that i am all grown up, i still find drunk men scary and despicable.
five months and a day.
technically, the count should be five months and two days. but i love the sound of the title so much (to me, it sounds like a movie) that i want to stick to that, and i was not in the mood to write yesterday (most days, actually).
it's been this long since i started my love affair with singapore and everything about it--the late sunrise and sunset, the new-york-style of rush, the diversity of people and race (and the smelliness and ewwiness of some), the accurate bus timings, the pollution-free roads and highways, the zero experience (by far) of heavy traffic, the awesomeness of taxi drivers and taxi services.
it's been this long since i took the wildest risk, the farthest leap, the biggest change.
it's been this long since i embraced the ldr, not only with boyfriend, but with everyone else i love back home. and even up to this day, it still makes me cheery one moment and crazy the next.
i know, my adjustment-nesting period is not fully over, emotionally and financially that is. occasionally, i still cry myself to sleep when i miss my loved ones, when i wake up in the morning thinking nanay and ate are just around, or that jona is just a few blocks away whenever i have a strange and new kwento to share. on my sixth month, i'll be done paying one of my loans, and i'll have more room for savings. i'm so looking forward to that. and by that same time, i may be more used to the feeling of being far away from home.
while looking forward to that, i'll take comfort in the present -- the sunshine at 7pm, the stress-fee roadtrip and busrides, and yes, even the ewwy smell of my fellow commuters and mrt riders (it doesn't hurt to hold my breath for a good 10-15 minutes anyway).
it's been this long since i started my love affair with singapore and everything about it--the late sunrise and sunset, the new-york-style of rush, the diversity of people and race (and the smelliness and ewwiness of some), the accurate bus timings, the pollution-free roads and highways, the zero experience (by far) of heavy traffic, the awesomeness of taxi drivers and taxi services.
it's been this long since i took the wildest risk, the farthest leap, the biggest change.
it's been this long since i embraced the ldr, not only with boyfriend, but with everyone else i love back home. and even up to this day, it still makes me cheery one moment and crazy the next.
i know, my adjustment-nesting period is not fully over, emotionally and financially that is. occasionally, i still cry myself to sleep when i miss my loved ones, when i wake up in the morning thinking nanay and ate are just around, or that jona is just a few blocks away whenever i have a strange and new kwento to share. on my sixth month, i'll be done paying one of my loans, and i'll have more room for savings. i'm so looking forward to that. and by that same time, i may be more used to the feeling of being far away from home.
while looking forward to that, i'll take comfort in the present -- the sunshine at 7pm, the stress-fee roadtrip and busrides, and yes, even the ewwy smell of my fellow commuters and mrt riders (it doesn't hurt to hold my breath for a good 10-15 minutes anyway).
unspoken argument.
i remember my colleague saying, "ang big deal sa'yo, minsan hindi big deal sa'kin."
it's his line for his girlfriend. and i know that's true for everyone else. that's where misunderstanding, arguments, cold treatment and small fights root from.
what we may consider small-unnecessary-insignificant-petty things may mean A LOT to the other person.
like how an end-of-day message means to me (lengthy or short, i don't mind).
we don't really expect a nonstop exchange of dm's and pm's and whatnot from each other throughout the day, of course. we both have our schedules to follow, errands to attend to, and life to live.
so how hard it is to send a simple message saying you're home safe and all. or if you happen to be too tired, no sugarcoating, just a lame "goodnight" will do.
and yes, since you're dealing with this crazy thing called "thesis," and a looming cheerdance competition on the side, i choose not to tell you this directly. i don't want a demanding girlfriend be added on your plate.
but if by any chance you'll come
across this, don't take this personally.
because it's true, "ang big deal sa'kin, hindi big deal sa'yo," and vice versa.
it's his line for his girlfriend. and i know that's true for everyone else. that's where misunderstanding, arguments, cold treatment and small fights root from.
what we may consider small-unnecessary-insignificant-petty things may mean A LOT to the other person.
like how an end-of-day message means to me (lengthy or short, i don't mind).
we don't really expect a nonstop exchange of dm's and pm's and whatnot from each other throughout the day, of course. we both have our schedules to follow, errands to attend to, and life to live.
so how hard it is to send a simple message saying you're home safe and all. or if you happen to be too tired, no sugarcoating, just a lame "goodnight" will do.
and yes, since you're dealing with this crazy thing called "thesis," and a looming cheerdance competition on the side, i choose not to tell you this directly. i don't want a demanding girlfriend be added on your plate.
but if by any chance you'll come
across this, don't take this personally.
because it's true, "ang big deal sa'kin, hindi big deal sa'yo," and vice versa.
for The birthday girl.
she's sporty, i am not. when i once tried wakeboarding, i was scared as hell, and i was thinking about her. i was thinking about how much she'll love that experience, how little fear she'll have, if not completely none.
i am girly, and dressy, and flowery. she's into jeans and tees and hand-me-downs.
most of the time i'm stiff and serious and snob. she's friendly and childlike and outgoing.
in so many ways we are different. but we look the same. some say she looks half me and half ate jeanne, which i don't believe so. i think it's 90-10. 90% me, that is. and that makes her prettier -- prettier than me, and prettier than ate (haha).
today is her birthday. it was actually my last thought last night and my first thought this morning. but it took me this long to greet her because i wanted to "celebrate" her existence, and it is through writing that i do that. and this is what i look forward to doing after i go out of work today. and though my words can't completely capture how awesome she is, it is through this that i share how significant, beautiful and awesome she is.
today, she turned 20. i still find it hard to digest that the one we call "baby" is past her teenage years now. (like how hard it was for me to accept that she already asked me about having a boyfriend). and that, eventually, she'll grow a horn of her own, that she'll find a career that will make her happily haul her ass off the bed every morning, a lovestory(ies) to share, and a person she'll fall madly inlove with.
but through it all, she'll always be my baby sister, the one who beat me in chess on our highschool intramurals, whose "ka'astigan" blows me away, whose existence i'm so, truly, thankful for.
i am girly, and dressy, and flowery. she's into jeans and tees and hand-me-downs.
most of the time i'm stiff and serious and snob. she's friendly and childlike and outgoing.
in so many ways we are different. but we look the same. some say she looks half me and half ate jeanne, which i don't believe so. i think it's 90-10. 90% me, that is. and that makes her prettier -- prettier than me, and prettier than ate (haha).
today is her birthday. it was actually my last thought last night and my first thought this morning. but it took me this long to greet her because i wanted to "celebrate" her existence, and it is through writing that i do that. and this is what i look forward to doing after i go out of work today. and though my words can't completely capture how awesome she is, it is through this that i share how significant, beautiful and awesome she is.
today, she turned 20. i still find it hard to digest that the one we call "baby" is past her teenage years now. (like how hard it was for me to accept that she already asked me about having a boyfriend). and that, eventually, she'll grow a horn of her own, that she'll find a career that will make her happily haul her ass off the bed every morning, a lovestory(ies) to share, and a person she'll fall madly inlove with.
but through it all, she'll always be my baby sister, the one who beat me in chess on our highschool intramurals, whose "ka'astigan" blows me away, whose existence i'm so, truly, thankful for.
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