fin

“You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.”

Excerpt From: Strayed, Cheryl. “Tiny Beautiful Things.”

break-up is not the operative word to use in my reality here as it wasn't a committed, honest thing. neither is love, but it was a lot like it.

and if there is one thing authentic about this whole pathetic fiasco, it is the breaking of one's own heart, no holds barred and being brave about it. even if it costed me my pride and my ego. 

family

once in a while, life will give you an extraordinary challenge. and sometimes, it will require the full participation of every one of your loved ones. because that's how best you will handle it, that's how well you will understand why you came into this world with a family by your side.


i am proud of my family and of myself for deliberately focusing on the good, the upside, the beauty of it. every situation has its bad side. but we can choose which side we want to magnify. it was a turbulent ride and we would have fallen to some unfathomable abyss had we not hold on real tight. where did we hold onto exactly?


in our faith. in our strength. in each other.


ever since the incident, my prayers remain the same: thank You for Your well-orchestrated plans, for sending the right people at the right time, for giving us a heart that is both tough and tender - one that understands, for intensifying our love for one another.


we may have lost things along the way, but they're replaceable. we gained so much more in exchange anyway. most importantly, the lessons are priceless, the kind of lessons we wouldn't just get from everyday ordinary experiences.

close to midnight thoughts...

i rarely contemplate on anything lately. life's been somehow mechanical. i don't do anything significant or out of ordinary to make my every day a little bit interesting. but the part i'm glad about, my heart's steady. i'm back to being cerebral. i don't remember when exactly was the last time i found something upsetting, so much that it became hard to breathe or the last time my heart beat wildly.

i prayed briefly tonight, particularly for that patient admitted to the intermediate care ward and for my colleague who i think i offended this morning and for my friend's relative who met an accident yesterday. may his soul rest in peace.

for the rest of the night, i thought about tatay. i wonder how his soul is. i wonder how life would be like if he were still alive. i know it's nonsense. but i do have crazy thoughts like this. i'm certain there are things i would have done differently or some i wouldn't have done at all. like getting tattoos. he didn't approve of my two piercings on one ear when i had them in high school. (but he thought it was pretty brave of me to have poked my ear to get that extra hole myself).

i wonder how it would be like to have a wise father at this age and time. i would have received plenty of life lessons and pieces of advice. we should have had a lot of sensible conversations and some silly ones.

the other night i also must be thinking of him before i go to sleep that i dreamt of him. in that dream, he's alive and a distant family member told us that she has a premonition that tatay will die. i remember hugging him, not wanting him to go anywhere so he's just safe with us at home. but in that dream, i suddenly became aware that i am just dreaming, that tatay is not alive, that me hugging him is just part of the dream.

and i woke up.

work-wise

yesterday, i went for a job interview. 

i received a call prior to that the day before. it was from the company i applied to a month ago -- december, last year. actually, i sent multiple applications and resumes to several other companies last year. i did so for many reasons. for one, but not necessarily the main one, i miss dressing up and i want to do so every day of my life. wearing an issued company uniform, i feel, limits my freedom of expression. i dream of walking around the city in my high heels (like the good old days back home), seeing other young professionals, tall and proud and sometimes stressed out. i missed that kind of vibe. also, i want to find a job that has nothing much to do with team effort. i want to work solo, independently, without the need to consider the efficiency, or lack of it, of anybody. it drives me nuts when one or several others in the team don't do things as swiftly and as accurately as i do. and i thought, for as long as i feel disturbed by all these, i want to find my way out...

in the beginning of this year though, after i promised myself to change my perspective and to let go of the things i definitely don't have control over, i was given extra tasks -- more responsibility, i'm glad! the busier i am, the happier i become. and, thank heavens, there were significant changes in our work benefits and incentives.

so when i received that phonecall, i was half-hearted. the night before the interview, i made a mental note of the advantages i have now and the advantages that i will have should i accept the new job. (yes, i am that confident that the interview will just be a walk in the park). i prayed for discernment. and i questioned my already questionable issues at work. are they valid? are they grounds enough to leave? am i willing to give up my awesome work-life balance -- the sufficient time and energy to go to the gym after, or the nearby swimming complex or simply to watch movies and rewatch Friends on my laptop, and to continue with my baking lessons with google and youtube? can my heart afford losing the luxury of the 10-minute walk from home to work?

it was a battle between comfortability and opportunity. half-hearted as i was, i still went for the interview. i want to make sure i'm right about how i weighed the pros and cons, to make sure that whichever choice i settle with, it's the better, wiser one.


so i chose. my guess is that i'll continue to choose comfort, until something way better comes along.


you know one of the really great things about my current job? there is no daunting need to work overtime. and the least that i would want for myself is to be overworked.


work is one thing. but life after work is one more thing. and i'm really, truly grateful that i derive fulfilment from both, more especially from life after work.

on new year's resolutions

well, i still believe in them and every year i still make a list.

i remember i told myself i will try to write more blogposts more often last year. try and fail, i did. i have more drafts than published posts. yet it's fine by me.

this year, the main point of my resolutions revolve around my attitude - to work, to friends, to family, to people i have everyday dealings with. and it is this: to tame my inner demon.



i'd like to start my life, from the 27th year onwards, to live in the world with very little to distress or vex me.