i rarely contemplate on anything lately. life's been somehow mechanical. i don't do anything significant or out of ordinary to make my every day a little bit interesting. but the part i'm glad about, my heart's steady. i'm back to being cerebral. i don't remember when exactly was the last time i found something upsetting, so much that it became hard to breathe or the last time my heart beat wildly.
i prayed briefly tonight, particularly for that patient admitted to the intermediate care ward and for my colleague who i think i offended this morning and for my friend's relative who met an accident yesterday. may his soul rest in peace.
for the rest of the night, i thought about tatay. i wonder how his soul is. i wonder how life would be like if he were still alive. i know it's nonsense. but i do have crazy thoughts like this. i'm certain there are things i would have done differently or some i wouldn't have done at all. like getting tattoos. he didn't approve of my two piercings on one ear when i had them in high school. (but he thought it was pretty brave of me to have poked my ear to get that extra hole myself).
i wonder how it would be like to have a wise father at this age and time. i would have received plenty of life lessons and pieces of advice. we should have had a lot of sensible conversations and some silly ones.
the other night i also must be thinking of him before i go to sleep that i dreamt of him. in that dream, he's alive and a distant family member told us that she has a premonition that tatay will die. i remember hugging him, not wanting him to go anywhere so he's just safe with us at home. but in that dream, i suddenly became aware that i am just dreaming, that tatay is not alive, that me hugging him is just part of the dream.
and i woke up.
i prayed briefly tonight, particularly for that patient admitted to the intermediate care ward and for my colleague who i think i offended this morning and for my friend's relative who met an accident yesterday. may his soul rest in peace.
for the rest of the night, i thought about tatay. i wonder how his soul is. i wonder how life would be like if he were still alive. i know it's nonsense. but i do have crazy thoughts like this. i'm certain there are things i would have done differently or some i wouldn't have done at all. like getting tattoos. he didn't approve of my two piercings on one ear when i had them in high school. (but he thought it was pretty brave of me to have poked my ear to get that extra hole myself).
i wonder how it would be like to have a wise father at this age and time. i would have received plenty of life lessons and pieces of advice. we should have had a lot of sensible conversations and some silly ones.
the other night i also must be thinking of him before i go to sleep that i dreamt of him. in that dream, he's alive and a distant family member told us that she has a premonition that tatay will die. i remember hugging him, not wanting him to go anywhere so he's just safe with us at home. but in that dream, i suddenly became aware that i am just dreaming, that tatay is not alive, that me hugging him is just part of the dream.
and i woke up.
