the essence of christmas

i love christmas. it's my favorite time of the year.

three christmasses passed with me being away from my family and really good friends from home. i celebrated those three times with different group of people each year. i think that's one more inconvenient thing about working abroad, it's hard to establish permanence. friends change jobs, residences and even relationship statuses. one good friend who i used to celebrate my first christmas here with (she's single then) celebrated christmas this year with her lover. unlike my family at home who will always be around, my foster family here changes almost every year. the past two christmasses were more comforting than the first since my elder sister is already working here in singapore too.

i miss celebrating christmas in the philippines and i very much look forward to christmas next year. i'm coming home for it. but this is not to say that i am not happy celebrating it here. i am thankful that the filipino community takes extra effort to make everyone of us feel home. catholic groups coordinated with different parishes here so we can still practice our tradition of simbang gabi. i saw from a friend's facebook post that she's also attending simbang gabi in dubai. the filipino spirit truly lives on wherever country we are in.

i know how much it means to celebrate this season with our real family. but growing up and growing old, it became rare and something we can only wish for. one of your parents or maybe both of them are working overseas for many years now, or like my family, one or more of your siblings are working abroad. you may all be separated and scattered all over the world, but it could be just temporary. you'll always have the chance to be together even for just one christmas someday if you all will it to happen. or if that can't really be possible, you can always make a phonecall or videocall. and you just have to make the most out of that.

my father died five days before christmas in 2008. this is the sixth christmas without him around. there is no christmas to look forward to that we are going to be a complete family, ever again.

celebrate this season to the fullest, enjoy the company of whoever you are with, remember what you have and do so with a thankful heart. focus on the good, on whatever is beautiful, on whatever it is that makes you smile, because what you focus on amplifies. and when you truly think of what you have, you'll realize you have so much, so much that it overflows, so much that you would want to reach out to others and give whatever you can give.

and that is the essence of christmas -- giving, forgiving and thanksgiving. 

spirit of christmas and the filipino spirit

it's almost Christmas and what follows shortly after that is the end of this year and the coming of the next. it's my third Christmas away from home. the third time that i'll be welcoming another year without my whole family around. i remember i was very emotional the first time -- younger and emotional. although i was surrounded by happy people and good friends, i knew i was lonely somehow.

i am not as emotional and as lonely now, but i promised myself i'll be home for Christmas next year. i want to feel again how much different it is celebrated there. i want to be enthralled by the good cheer that enfolds the entire country. i want to see the happy faces of my family and friends and even that of a stranger's. i want to experience how Christmas is a season of get-togethers, gift-giving and thanksgiving.

every year, a few months back before Christmas, our country experiences one terrible storm or two. we have it worst this year. and my heart bleeds for the victims. my abhorrence for the government officials who make it harder for the people to recover and bounce back faster gets stronger one news after another.

it's mind-boggling how filipinos remain resilient and faithful and how altruistic and giving ordinary men can be even with the selfishness and heartlessness of the privileged and powerful few.

generally, filipinos are beautiful people -- beautiful and strong. and i'd like to focus on them. i love seeing them whenever i go home. i want to see and feel their strength, positivism, resilience and faithfulness and take them all in. because, really, these are the very things that will keep you going when you're living and working in a faraway foreign country.

 

understanding death and something else

some news feel so surreal lately, they get my thoughts in total flux.

in a matter of six months, three of my highschool schoolmates died. two younger than me and one the same age as i am. accidents. all sudden. all young lives gone without a warning.

then there was this paul walker's story in the headlines. although i am not as affected by his death unlike the other deaths since i don't know him personally, it is equally untimely, unfortunate and appalling.

point is, life is short, even shorter than how we anticipated it to be. and i wonder if by any chance, they were ready. (i know, at such young age, it can't be possible. but who knows. maybe.) if at any time, they have loved mightily and have been loved back the same way. if they have lived their lives fully.

this life, no matter how interesting and amazing it is, we all know it can't go on forever. but we're all guilty of neglecting this part of our mortality.

we can't be too preoccuppied and allow the sun to set without really stopping for a while and enjoy the beauty of sunset (if it's your kind of thing, that is), thinking that tomorrow brings another sunrise and just another sunset, thinking that we have so many chances left. we can't just wait for the perfect time to do what we ought to do. we can't just be passive. we've got to start looking for that specific something that we ever wanted to find.

so i thought of not wasting any of my free time, my work off, lying in bed in my room.

i went on a night out with my closest girl friend -- to dance the night away, get a glass of free rosé and meet one nice guy (or two).

one french guy danced with me. and in a place as sexually-charged and as alcohol-filled as a night club, things happen. it's like one thing you'll check off your bucket list: french kissing a french guy. i thought it would be sweet and nice and heavenly (i do have too much expectations in life, don't i?) turned out, it felt gross. 

on the way home, all i wanted to do was brush my teeth and drink a glass of mouthwash.

i thought of my past lover. it saddened me to remember how completely different i felt with him.

i think i'm stuck. or my pursuit in finding that ever-elusive one true love just got harder.

twenty-something glory

i turned 26.

most people think that being twenty-something is the prime stage of everyone's life, the time when one becomes invincible, unrestrainable and capable -- of anything and everything. and you know what, i believe that's right.

when i hit this phase, i told myself i'll be exactly just that--that there's nothing in this world i'll merely tolerate, nothing i'll fear about, nothing i won't dare trying. i demanded, dared and willed myself to:

1. select friends carefully and wisely.

i made friends with beautiful people, each one contributing to my growth as an individual, each one performing a specific important role, each one i am extremely thankful for.

2. love my body the best way i ever will. 

i eat clean and healthy, as much as i can, as much as self-discipline permits me. i refuse to abuse and give it the rest and exercise it deserves. i became comfortable with it now more than ever. i enjoyed the sea wearing bikinis without the slightest hint of discomfort and shame. because i thought, when will i ever wear one? now is the time.

3. spend on holidays and getaways. i went to places i dreamed of going, even if it meant i fell short of my target savings. there will always be chances to save up again, but i will never be as young, as alive and as carefree. so i go, indulge and experience.

4. get that tattoo i've always deemed meaningful. 

i heeded nobody's approval and i won't mind anybody's disapproval. this is what i want to motivate myself with, and this is how i want to be reminded by, day in and day out.

5. let go of the relationship that stopped me from seeing myself as an amazing woman. yup! i am amazing and so are you and everyone else. i shouldn't just settle for something good or better. it's best or nothing. boy, it wasn't easy to let go. it was terrifying. it's painful. but just like getting a tattoo, for the liberating satisfaction that followed, it's worth it!

6. give my job all the energy and passion it requires of me.

i applied for it, i convinced those interviewers i am the perfect fit, i chose it. i can't just give it my halfhearted effort and attention. it's where all my resources come from. i got a lot from it--experience, money, reasons for waking up everyday, purpose in life--how can i not love it? i have nothing to complain but everything to be thankful for.

7. buy that life insurance. 

i know that the best way to prepare for the future is to do so at the earliest time possible. this is security and in the long run, this is financial stability. by far, this is my wisest, most mature move.

8. build my finances.

i try to spend but not overspend. i save as much as i can, of course without having to sacrifice my everyday need. i am more organized and strategic about it now. like how much goes to my mutual fund account and how much goes to my savings bank account.

9. make fresh new goals.

i'm working on it. it's just so delicious to keep on making new ones. ;)

10. stay goofy and enjoy everyone's company.

because that's where the youthful glow comes from. 

what goes in her mind as she moves on

"I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we’ll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time and I’ll be thankful for that. And I hope that wherever you are, you’ll be thankful, too. And I think that’s the best we can wish for." - Josh (Strangers, Again)

i saw this on the facebook wall of my former college classmate. with this, her new facebook account and few other wallposts, my assumption is that she and her longtime boyfriend broke up.

there are few romances that i look up to (to the point of envy) and believe so firmly that will last for as long as they live. theirs is one of them. she's an awesome girlfriend, she loves without limits and shows it without hesitations. she was never demanding and she's faithful. she managed to keep their long distance relationship work without so much drama since we were in college. we are not really close friends but i know all these because i stalk her. i frequent her wall to keep myself inspired and motivated to be just like her or learn a little bit of her patience. i obviously didn't adapt any of it but i remained a fan. if she isn't an ideal girlfriend, then she's close to it.

i don't know how she's coping. what i do know though is that her awesomeness doesn't stop in being a girlfriend. she's an awesome person too. she takes the heartbreak maturely and pretty gracefully. she'll be fine soon enough.

i hold the same thought for her. wherever he is now, i hope he is thankful that their paths crossed too. he should be. for in that period of time, he'd been the luckiest man.

inked and loving it.

i'm in love with words. if you show me a man who's so good at saying the sweet right words at the right time, i'm sure to fall prey for him. i read an inspiring thoughtful line to perk up my day. (that, and a cup of coffee). and what is sweeter thing to do than have words close to my heart etched in my skin.

i didn't have to think hard. i knew what i wanted and where i wanted it to be. walking is my therapy and faith keeps me company.

it is not original. google it and you'll find the exact same words tattooed in many others' feet. but lack of originality doesn't make it any less meaningful. it is good to know that there are many others whom i share the same belief with, who would go as far as keeping it permanent in their body.

last year, for my 25th birthday, i was thinking of what out-of-ordinary gift i can give myself. i thought of getting inked. but maybe then i wasn't ready and wasn't daring enough. i let it rest. then i woke up one morning, twelve days before i turn 26, with an impulsive and intense desire to fulfill that, i should say, dream.

the pain is incomparable but i had my mind and heart ready. i welcomed the sensation with a gentle surprise and the softest cry. i'm kidding. i was biting my right thumb hard enough as i take the pain one word after the other. 

ten minutes later, i saw that the pain was worth enduring. i knew that my steps will be even more springy and i'd be happier to be walking around with it.

i'm glad that i went through this whole metaphorical process, that i'd be able to communicate something good to the world even without uttering a word.

and even as they say nothing lasts forever, we can actually choose certain things to last as far as forever permits. i choose this.

love, family & marriage

i read a blogpost about marriage and how it is not about "me."

i couldn't agree more. it's about the other person. it's about your future children. it's about who you want to raise your kids with and who you want to influence them. it's about who you want to love and live with for the rest of your days. it's about how you can support, inspire and make that person happy.

i am single and there are days when my itch to find the man for me is so strong, when i am convinced that i have so much love to give. sometimes the waiting and praying and hoping inspire me and sometimes, too, they despair me. often, i think of the men i know, from childhood to adulthood, from past and current neighborhoods, men from home and from work, boy friends from common friends and i wonder if he is among them.

i wonder about how much longer it will take for him to find me attractive and for me to find out he's the right one, or perhaps for the two of us to consider the possibility that we can be a match.

i like to believe that i am called for marriage, that i am destined to be a mom and a woman to my man. so even if i don't have the slightest idea of who i will build a family with and even when it despairs me sometimes, in most days, i am filled with anticipation and feel-good excitement.

i will always be a big believer of family, that to love and be loved is the greatest human experience and the wait will always be worth it.

don't get stuck

i have one rule in life. don't get stuck.

when i don't like my job, i resign. when i felt i am not growing in the relationship, i left. when there's a chance to change, i take it. i thought, what's the worst thing that could happen? i've been a bum for a while. thrice in my life, actually. i got hurt for a time longer than i anticipated. but those were phases. temporary ones. and i overcame, just as how one ALWAYS does.

when i was younger, i thought it was selfish of me to do this. now, i changed my mind and  think of it as something selfless. most likely, someone else can do the job better than you do. and someone else will love that person more than you can. don't deny them of this. don't hold on to something you can't fully appreciate. don't deny yourself of the potential to be in your happy place. don't waste your time somewhere else.

there's nothing more pitiful than someone who wakes up in the morning with a heavy heart and walks out of that door with heavy footfalls. you know why? because you're in control. if you find yourself constantly yawning in your small office space and ranting about your work-related dissatisfaction in social networking sites on a DAILY basis and showing your disinterested face to the patients or customers or clients or anyone you deal with, you may want to do a self-check. why in the world are you left occupying that space there?

if you're young, use your time to explore, to fail, to think you're in that place you wanted to be and to be with someone you believe to be right for you, and to realize you're wrong -- about all these. to fail again and again, and eventually, to find your place and right fit -- without a doubt this time around.

if you're old, all the more you need to stop wasting the time you're left with. spend it doing the things you love doing and share it to people you love to love.

just don't get stuck.

answered prayer. my testimony.

the singapore government enforced new policies. they limit the number of foreign workers to give way to their local citizens. or at least that's how i understood and simply put it.

on the onset, i thought we are all unfortunate to be affected by it. so this is what it means and how it feels to be laid-off. in our twenty-something glorious years, i thought we are too young to be facing such situation. in my previous jobs, i call the shots. i stay as long as i want to, as long as i'm happy. and i leave the moment i feel i'm not in the right place. but there's one more good thing about being twenty-something. most of us, if not all, were not crumbled by all this lay-off drama. we still believed we are invincible, that we can find new doors after one closed behind us.

what i thought was easy, wasn't, really. at the time, it was a futile attempt. the ones i knocked to wouldn't let a foreigner in. then there is this thing called timing. there were some doors that they kept open, but the opening is too small it can only accommodate one, or two. and i wasn't knocking at the right time. and someone else was. one good friend got in. and i'm happy for her. that was her luck and blessing.

so while i still have more than a month to stay in the company before my contract finally ends, i do the works on the side -- updating resume, submitting applications online, calling up potential employers. 

then my boss called me aside and told me she's talking to the human resource and she's doing her best to keep me.  i didn't expect that. i did not even ask her to do so. but on that moment, my heart swelled with pride and hope. maybe she can do something. maybe i didn't have to risk going to unknown. maybe i wouldn't have to step out of my comfort zone. maybe i'm destined to stay. and maybe i wouldn't have to spend money anymore for placement fees.

so when i received a few calls for job interviews, i didn't go. precisely because i am half-hearted about the job, but mostly because i was hoping and waiting for the good news my boss will give me.

at the very last minute, on my very last day at work, she tried and did the best she could. but the management cannot do anything. and i said it was fine. because it is, really. i don't do much to change a situation. i don't push and fight a losing battle. i change the one thing i can -- my mindset.

then unsolicited pieces of advice kept on coming. one really concerned friend told me to work harder in finding a new job. that i am too complacent, that i need to be serious about my search. that night, i came home crying. wasn't i doing enough? were they right to think i am negligent and slacking off? self-doubt tried to get the better of me and lodge somewhere. but that was only on that one night. i don't have to assure anybody that i'm doing the best i can. and i won't let them set the barometer of what's enough and what's not.

then i figured what these concerned people were looking for. they want to see the signs of panic, of urgency, of pressure, of worry. it's human nature. but i didn't show any. as my days of stay in singapore were numbered, i didn't think of it as the end of the world. if i don't find the right opportunity at the right time here, i can always go home to my country.

here's my deal. i'll stay until my special visit pass expires. i'll exhaust my luck. and only then will i go home.

here's my prayer. if i am to work in a retail and sales industry again, it has to be a direct hire, meaning, i shouldn't spend a dollar. i'll only seek the assistance of recruitment agencies who pocket a huge amount of money from applicants if it is an office job. i even bargained that a one-year contract will do.

here's what i did. the following day, after my last day of work, a recruitment agency called and scheduled me for an interview for a sales job. i forgot about my deal and went. i passed the first interview. i proceeded to the second one.  throughout the process, i felt something was wrong, i don't completely like to get the job. and i told Him to let His will be done. i did not hear from the company again after that. and i was relieved.

here's His answer. direct hire, no placement fees. service-oriented and not sales-related office job in an established institution. reasonable working hours. good pay. and overwhelmingly, a three-year contract.

the answered prayer was delivered in full yesterday. today, i am still over the moon. i learned and relearned a whole lot of things after this crazy chronicle. for one, we can never outdo His generosity. i realized i wasn't praying properly, i limited what i ask for when He can actually give so much more, when His blessings are limitless. also, timing has a lot to do with all these. i quoted this before and i'll quote this again, "it is never too late or too soon. it is when it is meant to be." had my previous boss not tried her best to keep me, i wouldn't have something to hope for, i would have grabbed any early opportunity that came my way. it was the pause i needed, the "hold-on." then there was that sales job that i failed to get. it was the comfortable "no." 

and it's only now that i put the pieces together, it's only now that they make a clear sense. that "hold-on" and "no" are what led me to this "yes." indeed, it was worth the wait.

all these were bound to happen. sometimes, we have to be uprooted and be planted somewhere else so we can grow new roots and bear new fruits.

freedom and what it means to me

my two-year work contract ended this past friday. i'm a bum for almost a week now and i thought i'll have a lot of time blogging and reliving stories i am unable to put into writing. but there are just so many things that ate up most of my reclaimed freedom. too many old friends to visit, interesting movies to watch, fine books to read. to top it all, my bed has been really tempting lately i didn't let a day pass without oversleeping.

sometimes, waking up at whatever time we want without worrying about getting late to work, doing things we dreamed of doing and grabbing that book on the shelf we longed to devour and finish prove to be life's sweet pleasures.

5 out of my already 6-day freedom were spent outdoors. i spent the days in every way i want. i walked without hurrying. i took my time. and although i pray and take the necessary steps to find my next right job, i am thankful for this transition.

this meltdown is a preparation for yet another milestone.:)

don't date a girl who reads.

i came across a lengthy piece that is just too beautiful to miss.

You should date an illiterate girl.

Date a girl who doesn't read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in a film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you've unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale or the evenings too long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn't fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn't, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn't read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent of a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, goddamnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn't read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so goddamned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life of which I spoke at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being told. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. Or, perhaps, stay and save my life.

- C. Warnke

listen up and/or shut up.

i'd like to believe that long before i turned into a mature adult, i am invincible. that i am headstrong and self-assured. that i don't mind anybody's opinion about me. that whatever people say do not hurt nor affect me. sure, it elates me to hear compliments. i flinch a little on every bad comment. but whether they approve the way i set my plans or not is none of my business.

i'm not saying it's good. i'm saying this is how i live my life. 

i believe firmly that everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt, and that though we have all the right in the world to create impressions, good or bad, we will never earn the right to judge. 

every single one has a unique story. our brains don't work the same way. we plan and operate differently. we have different strategies. and even if you're a friend or a family, you don't know what the other is going through exactly. you'll never know the real score until you walk a mile in his or her shoes. and it's never gonna happen. you'll be stuck to your own shoes as much as i'll be stuck to mine. you don't even have to understand. no. you don't need to attempt to.

let people plan and make mistakes. let them learn from personal experiences. or at least find out what works for them. if they ask for advice, give them. if they need you to listen, listen. if they should be left alone, by all means leave them. 

importantly, keep your criticisms, especially the destructive ones, to yourself. save one heart from breaking.

one-way conversations

little ones, i thought of you again tonight. actually, i think of you almost everyday lately. and i wonder if i am close to having you. i know that's silly. i don't even know yet who your father is so chances of conceiving you is as remote as earning my first million.

you still seem so distant but i enjoy these one-way conversations i'm having with you. at least, in my mind, i already conceived you.

i observe kids these days and it saddens me to hear their worries and fears and angsts. it's heartbreaking to witness them break each others' hearts and trample each others' egos. you know, this life is interesting. there are so many things that you need to explore and learn. you'll be reckless and ruthless, but i hope in your odyssey, you avoid causing anyone any harm or pain of any kind. i hope you learn, fully, what kindness is, how beautiful it is and how it is different from being stupid. i hope you'll know how to bring people up without allowing them to bring you down. i hope your instincts will guide you on who to trust while making yourself worthy of it. that you won't deliberately use and abuse people. that you'll be soft and gentle but you'll give the impression that says, "you messed with the wrong person." 

may your small hearts be brave, one that fights.

i'll be with you, as much you need me, as long as you want me, don't worry.

why do i want to become a mother

i am 25, my sister is 26. we are past the age when our mom had her first baby, Ate that is. she was only 21.

we talk about our diets, our jobs, our friends, our two younger siblings, our plans and dreams and hopes, our frustrations and fears, the men we liked and loved and lost. the men that we are bound to find (or the other way around).

my sister thinks the world is cruel and that everyday you have to look after your safety. she said these are one of the reasons why she doesn't want to bear a child and have a family of her own. i thought about that and inquired, "well then, given the chance, would you have wished that you weren't born in this world that you think is cruel?"

i have long accepted that the world has a plethora of atrocity. but i believe and witnessed, too, that the same world we are talking about is beautiful. i wouldn't go through a list of why it is. you know it. we all have our hundred and one reasons, and i guess everyday we find one or two more additions as to why it is worth-living. point is, every child deserves to live on earth. afterall, it is the only livable place there is, so why not live it.

she once asked me why do i want to marry, really. and i, in all confidence and certainty, answered: i am destined to become a mother and wife. i think. i feel it.

it thrills me to have little gazelle and little i-don't-know-him-yet-but-i-will-eventually crying, giggling, grinning a toothless grin and sucking their big toes like gymnasts. don't you find it adorable when babies do that? God, my heart melts everytime i see one.

i know motherhood is not just about adoring them, looking at them lovingly and posting their pictures and videos on facebook or instagram everytime they sneeze or laugh or speak their first words.

motherhood has a whole lot of daunting and challenging things in store for every woman. and so is wifehood. and i want to explore, experience and do all those things.

i want to bring children to this world and raise them, guide them, inspire them. i want to be someone who'll be there to celebrate their every milestone. i want to be the first person they'll run to for every bruised knee. i want to be the one to assure them that this world is fine and everything is. and when they grow up, i'd still be that person they can run to for bruised ego and the same person who'll remind them that defeat is okay.

i want them to know that i am trying to be a perfect person for them, but that they don't have to try to be one for me.

i want them to realize that even before they were born, i loved them. genuinely. madly. already.

and this cruel world? we'll live it together and perhaps when we do, it's gonna be less evil.

jeremiah 29:11

lately, i think i spend more time talking to God than actually conversing to live people. it's weird but it gives springs to my steps.

often, life throws crazy situations here and there, but on special times it throws the craziest possible scenario. this time is one of those special times.

i'm thankful for moments like this. it makes me more prayerful. it reminds me to submit to a higher authority above me. it shakes my faith and later on strenghtens it.

i have plan A ready and plan B handy. i'm a planner, you see. i can't afford to be a step or two behind. planning is something that makes me sleep securely at night.

then something will wake me up by showing, deliberately or not, that there are still a few angles i fail to scrutinize, some points i missed out, areas that only the Supreme Being can see clearly. and He, as always, outsmarts my plans A to Z. and i'm amazed at how He makes things possible and doable. i learn over and over again that when He wants to give you something, He'll move mountains to have it delivered right on cue.

and i'm left to wait, and trust him again, now more than ever.

i know He's cooking a very good plan. i can almost smell it.

when i finally get to see you i'm gonna say, "ah. ikaw mismo ang pinangarap ko.  you're exactly who i prayed for."

tonight, i'm seeing pictures of married friends and i'm getting sentimental in the process. bear with me. ;)

i was asked.

"how did you move on?"

that question caught me dumbfounded i wasn't able to think and type a quick reply. if there is one long and painful phase any human will ever have to face, it is that. and as much as i hope that there is formula for it, there is none. what worked for me may not work for somebody.

my friend is hurting and wanted to move on so badly she wants to know the ABC's of it. and i wanted so much to help her. so i thought of what i went through. long and hard.

when you expect the end to come, it's a little bit easier. you prepare yourself even before the breakup takes place. you'll feel when you're growing apart. when you're no longer celebrating but only tolerating each other. when you're too much. you'll see the signs that it's coming so when it does, finally, it doesn't come off as shocking as it is supposed to be. that's what happened to me.

moving on is not something you wait to rush over you like seawaves. it's something you desire and will to happen that you'll do anything to make it work. that may include throwing away everything that reminds you of what you were, deleting photos, and lessening the stalking in social medias until you stop completely. there is nothing you should regret about in losing these memories because you don't need them anymore. they served their purpose. they made you happy at one point. but they're irrelevant now so you let go. you have to. you need to help and save yourself. you can't keep them and keep on looking back. it won't bring you anywhere.

i went through a lot of heartbreaks and breakups before this recent one. i almost gone crazy too. and every single time, i get devastated. but the good thing about it is that i learn more about myself, how i cope, how i handle things, what i should continue doing and what i need to stop doing. and every single time, i am coping better than the last.

i allowed myself to wail. yeah, not just silent-demure-poised cry. i wailed like a kid at 25, complete with stomping of feet and boxing of pillows. that night, i let all the bad thoughts in and consume me. and when they all bottled up inside me, i released them. i emptied myself. and i felt ridiculously good after that.

at a certain period i had to feign strength. i stopped showing the world how frail i am because i don't want its pity. a heartbroken human walking around is not a good sight after all. i faked it until i made it.

sure, i still sometimes wonder how he's doing. if he's dating somebody now. if he's healing. if he's forgiven me for giving up. i wish he did but even if he doesn't, i have to continue moving forward. i had to deal with my own life like how he has to deal with his.

we can only honestly wish them the best, without us. and remember that life goes on. brighter days are coming. and a much better version of you is emerging.

on moving out, moving in, moving on and beautiful beginnings

there is beauty in movement. it is a far cry from a sedentary lifestyle which i don't have plans of having anytime soon. it flickers change and new hopes. it offers unexplored possibilities and unknown realities. it, too, can bring failure of expectations. but that doesn't mean that starting anew is not worth it.

the act of moving may be something that you willed to happen. sometimes it's fate that pushed you to do so, even when you think you're one day short of being ready.

either way, life will give you reasons to move out -- an ending house-rent contract, the uncertainty of work, housemates' change of plans. things you'll only fully understand when you're overseas, working far away from home.

it rocks your smooth-sailing boat. it gives nuisances and a whole lot of discomfort. stuffing your luggage and emptying your closet is tedious. in the process, you'll find unnecessary items and even irrelevant photographs that you dismissed long ago. you'll have a small quick fight with yourself whether you'll set them straight to the open box meant for that exact purpose -- decluttering. or bring them along with you. what for, you say. surely you don't expect them to be relevant and necessary in the future, do you? so off to the thrash box they all go.

and you're down to the essentials. to things that matter.

to You.

one of the people i follow on twitter retweeted luis manzano's tweet which, (for lack of something to keep me company while sleep is being elusive this time), prompted me to view his account. in his twitter bio, i learned that he's in blogspot too. his blogsite is not up to date really but i found one short post that i deem to be striking. a little something that may not be too relevant to me yet but something i'd like to keep and hang on to for future inspiration.

here goes:

"not sure if we've met already or have yet to meet but i cant wait to find out if you are the reason why the others never worked :)"

so to You, 

well. maybe it's not that i really "can't wait" (because this time around, i think i'm up for the wait time). but just so You know, it excites me to find out THAT You are the reason. maybe sooner. maybe later. it doesn't really matter when. no rush. i hope you're having the time of your life.

'til i meet You. finally.

yours in anticipation. yours, already,

gazelle.

almost over.

i don't want May to be over. yet. i look at my archive and see how lazy i am to write. or maybe i didn't really have the luxury of time. a lot of significant events conspired, many absolutely meaningful thoughts crossed my mind. they still keep on coming and running, too fast i can't even begin to hold them in and write them out.

sometimes i wish i not only have one day-off in a week, that i don't lay around longer than my body needs, that i don't have too many errands to attend to, that break-time at work isn't just limited to one hour, that i don't spend so much time in twitter and instagram. just so that i can sit down a little longer, so that i can think a little deeper and reflect a little harder. 

but then again it is that one day-off that makes me value my rest day more and handle it with utmost significance. it's the extra hours in bed that i give my body a little treat. it's that one hour breaktime that makes me realize that even the shortest of time is too precious but i sometimes decide to either waste it or make the most use of it. it's the time i spend in twitter and instagram that i find inspiring words and moving pictures.

so maybe i really don't have to regret that i didn't write often enough. i shouldn't regret about the unwritten thoughts and lessons and realizations. because even if i fail to write them, i sure had a good grasp of them. they may not be in this used-to-be blank page in cyberspace, but they're drilled into my head and slotted securely inside my heart.

May is bound to end. just like summer. and we all have no choice but be okay with that.

we lose some. we gain so much more.

sometimes news get so shocking and frustrating we decide to believe the world is cruel.

it's not.

sometimes the storm lasts longer than we expected. but most of the time it ends even before we recognize its presence. if we're lucky, we'll realize early that we're so stupid for letting these frustrations suck the life out of us. so we stop before we do ourselves any damage -- mentally, emotionally or in any way.

my sister is back in the game. with minimal hassle and littlest difficulty, she's back on track. it didn't even take her a complete full month to sulk over what she lost. in a snap, right after the holidays, right on cue, she's given a brandnew opportunity. 

this is the very thing that keeps every human being going. brandnew opportunities. when one thing's gone, another's bound to come. the wait-time may differ, but i'm sure that's how it's gonna work for me. for everybody.

and my advice, please don't you ever let go of your sanity and clarity. this too shall pass. it always does. come on, you and i know that.

beach love.

january 2013. it was in pandan island in palawan that i first fell in love with the sea -- it's perfect clarity and blueness, it's beautiful horizon where earth and sky best collide, and its adorable fishes and starfishes.

it was there and then that i promised myself that i'll visit as many beaches as i can, that this will be the first of the many travels to come, and that this will be one of the many splendid and fun ways i'm gonna spend my youth.


being the goal-setter and goal-reacher that i am, i'm able to visit, much to my delight and awe, boracay and panglao long enough to enjoy every good thing they have to offer.

two days before the trip though, it was some trick of fate that i acquired chickenpox. (yeah, fate can be too much of a joker and that i was its chosen one). i first thought my plans will not materialize. but the universe must have felt my zeal and persistence to push through with the plans that my recovery was fast and less troublesome, that the scars it left me with, i'd like to believe, were not too ugly and shameful. (but even if they were, i didn't mind. let strangers think i had a very terrible pimple outbreak or figure what happened.;))

and i was on a roll and so were the good times!


april 2013. boracay, aklan.

 

boracay was rather crowded even at night at this time of the year, but that won't stop anyone from catching this beautiful sunset even under an ordinary camera's lenses.  (with me is my youngest sister, baby)

 

clear blue sky and clean blue waters at daytime. they offer nothing but pure fun and peace of mind. (with me is my oldest sister, ate jeanne)

may 2013. panglao beach, bohol.

   

the pure, simple, and unadulterated beauty of panglao beach gave me the perfect venue to reflect about life and love, to celebrate the goodness of everything that conspired, and look ahead for everything that is yet to come.

in a matter of five months, i'm fortunate enough to have been given the chance to visit three beautiful places in my home country. i'm more than lucky to have taken some days off from work and indulge in awesome experiences back home.

someday, i'll look back and remember...this. this is how i moved forward. this is how i lived my youth. and this is how i'd like to continue living it!

faith, hope and love. and the greatest of these is hope.

the last time i cried this hard was when tatay died.

i cried countless of times for sensible and absurd reasons but there is something about family matters that make me cry differently, as if my whole life depends on it, as if, at that precise moment, the world has ended, as if i lost one body part, as if i'm a lit candle, melting and losing its flame.

i often think i handle things better when the problems are mine personally. what's harder for me to take and deal with is hearing a loved one, and by loved one i mean any of my siblings, break a devastating news to me.

when tatay died i knew someone has to take over and step forward to keep our family together. someone has to be the strongest and the bravest among the strong and brave. i believed ate and i took that responsibility together, hand in hand. we shouldered the weight of the responsibility that should have been carried by one person alone. and we're lucky we have each other.

so when tonight, she called me to say that she lost her job, one day before our flight back home for our youngest sister's graduation and my mom's birthday celebration and our family's most-awaited and well-planned reunion, that she won't be coming home with me so she can have more time to sort things out and set a good "bounce back plan," i was devastated. i was shocked out of my wits.

but i knew i can't be weak now. not this time. i can't be frail because she needs me to be strong. i need to keep my strength intact so she can sustain her own. and even when it was so tempting to blame her for what had happened and pity her for how things turned, the last thing she needs now is a pain-in-the-ass-and-ego sister.

once more, our faith is put to test. the universe is playing tricks on us. time and again we are reminded that we're strong and that we'll emerge from this gracefully and even stronger than the last time we ever proved ourselves strong.

in a moment like this, during one's downfall, i'm really glad we have each other. that's a comforting thought enough to bounce back, big.

forgiveness and mindset

the key to acceptance and forgiveness is realizing that people hurt us without them meaning to.

i can't pinpoint each phase i've gone through before i came around with this one. but i'm certain i've passed through the stage when i was bitter, unhappy and furious.

the last time i was hurt i am not sure if i'm angry to myself more or to the other person. for a while, i wondered if i wasn't doing things right. i asked myself if i wasn't understanding and loving and caring enough. or if i'd been too much. i questioned my self-worth for not being chased after.

i tried to analyze why things happened the way they did. i tried to dissect the reason behind, but no matter how logical my conclusions are, they are still guesses i can't validate and concretize.

so at one point, i just had to stop understanding something i can't. and stop beating myself up. and stop feeding myself with thoughts that don't benefit my well-being. and let go. and forgive. and be happy again.

and believe that people who genuinely love and loved us, regardless of what they do or fail to do, don't want to see us suffer.

on night cream and love

four days ago, i bought a new facial night cream. i decided to try a totally different brand for once. one that is more expensive than my previous brand i must say. (yeah, i'm richer now.;))

the day right after i started using it, i had a pimple breakout. and i didn't mind. it must be part of the trial and change process. everyday it gets worse. and still, i don't mind.

i think it was last night when an idea crossed my mind. right when i'm dabbing the cream all over my face, in front of the mirror.

i thought this whole thing can be related to love. when we (or i for that matter, i don't mean to generalize anyway) fall or decide to love someone, i know love comes with beautiful promises and hopes. as for the night cream, it promises a moisturized and smoother skin. sometimes on the onset or somewhere along the way, it's all the bad part -- the adjustment, the hassles, the breakout, the fights, the disagreements. but i would still keep on using it because i believe in it and i paid for it. (besides, the pimples are not that big and scary-looking enough). in love, i invested in it. i gave my time and effort and resourses and my whole self. as i continue to use the cream i also continue my observation, whether the breakout is worsening or if eventually it will stop, if eventually i'll see the good results it promised at the back label. i'm pretty sure the only time i'll ever decide whether to continue using it or not is when i finish all its content, down to the last useable particle.

i think i had it established. i don't give up on things that easily, whether it's something as trivial as using a night cream or as special as love. i maximize everything there is to maximize, i give as many chances as i am capable of giving, and more than anything else, i make sure i get my money's worth. ( i wouldn't just throw away that expensive night cream just because of pimple breakouts here and there).

and the same goes with love. you'll know when it's time to stop. and there is such thing as saturation point. you'll recognize it when you reach it.

(and yes, i can be this reflective in front of the mirror. all these thoughts ran freely and naturally inside my head in a matter of three minutes. am i weird?)

friends -- they help me keep my sanity intact

are you with me when i say we tend to neglect even our dearest closest most trusted friends at times when we are happy? and we only remember we have these gems once things get tough and bumpy?

not that it's something deliberate. but we are relaxed about the fact that they are just there anyway, smiling silently about our happiness, happy for us. and we're cool with that.

i'm glad that these gems are easy pickings. like right at the moment you need them, they're there as if you're a magician and they're your rabbits under your sleeve ready to to do some tricks, to back you up, to cheer, to give you a gentle tap or a slap, to keep the show going and entertaining.

these are the friends who don't mind listening to your woes for the nth time, to your 10-year old issues in life. friends who'd willingly give their thoughts and pieces of advice even if you're too stubborn to follow them. they offer nothing but love, comfort, patience, understanding and hope, hope that one day, someday, in your own time and way and will, you'll know when to stop and give these problems a final rest. but while you're wobbly and not strong enough to do so, they'll continue to lend their own strengths and just stay there, waiting for the next time you'll need their shoulders to lean on, their ears to absorb your screams and cries and rants and profanities, and their hearts.

more than anything else in the world, these are the people i brag about in life. i am not much of a nice person but i guess i must have done something good to deserve these friends.

dilemma, crossroad, however way you wanna call it.

why do things happen and why do we have to go through all these, not just once or twice or thrice, but countless of times?

is this the universe's way of telling us, "this is all about it, take it or leave it"?

i wonder if we're learning, if we are using the past experiences to grow, to become better, to deal with things differently.

i actually thought we've changed, that we learned the ropes.

only to find out that we never really changed, not at all. we are the exact same individuals we both knew, loved, hated, despised, forgave, and gave chances to.

he can never promise me to not sulk and run away at the height of any misunderstanding and disputes.

i can never keep my promise to keep my mouth shut when i don't have good things to say. i can never promise to be gentler when i'm mad. no matter how i try, no matter how hard.

i can never force him to talk to me when he's mad knowing that he'll only shout at me, in the same way that i can never make him understand that i can bear being shouted at than being ignored.

we fight differently. we cope differently. we appreciate different things. we laugh about different jokes.

why has it been so hard for me accept that? what's taking me so long to understand that?

this is all about it. take it or leave it.

random

did you ever have that moment when you feel empty even when you think you have all you needed in life -- family, job, friends, love?

well, i do tonight. there's really something about (past) midnight.

must. sleep. now.

talking to my blogsite.

(yeah. i talk to inanimate stuff often.)

hi there! how long have i been neglecting you? how long have i kept you unseen, unheard and unnoticed? has it been a month or two? or has it been a year? or more?

you were born to be the witness of my everyday joys & struggles & nonsense. you came into existence to be the listener of my random thoughts. you're here to document anything that i feel like saying, thinking & overthinking. (not that i am consistent about blogging, still, i find it cruel that i disregarded the mere thought of having a blogsite right here).

somewhere between saving up & fixing a broken relationship i stopped introspecting. sometime in living this adult life & chasing goals i ceased to listen to my thoughts & to feel my emotions.

i stopped writing. and in turn, i stopped being honest.

today, this time, i attempt to find what little honesty left in me. it must be there somewhere, quiet and unperturbed.

for one, i seek for deep & lasting joy but i settle for momentary happiness. i choose whatever is manageable, tolerable & convenient.

there.

welcome to quarter life crisis and the frivolous insanity that comes with it.

and must i say, welcome back to blogspot? (ah. it feels good to think & write again, even if it looks more like silly writing.)

a decade of love.

long time ago i was waiting for this year to come, quick. maybe i wasn't busy during those times that when suddenly it's 2013 i am totally surprised to remember that there's something about it that i really look forward to celebrate.

this year marks my 10-year long love for the one and only man i gave my heart to -- to take care of, to inflict pain to, to break... to mend.

this is not to say that in all 10 years i am the only woman he loved. when i had my share of heartaches from only one person, he had his from many others. he explored. i didn't. or maybe i tried, but i still kept feeling empty with a gaping hole that my first romance left me with, that no other man can ever fill.

so maybe it's luck that brought us back together. and he, with all his fiasco in love and the learnings that came with it. i, with a firm realization that i can only love one man in this lifetime.

that realization still makes me wonder if it's still too early to tell, but from the time i was 15 and now that i turned 25, between then and now, if there is any change that conspired, it is that the love i feel for this man grew stronger, crazier, deeper.

so yes, maybe it's luck. that, and the powerful combination of tigas ng ulo and lambot ng puso. these are the things that brought us back together for many many many times. we allowed our heads to be hardened, to forget, to listen to reasons and our hearts to be softened, to forgive, to welcome every new beginning like it is the first. and like any other firsts and beginnings, it's sweet and fresh and new.

i thank the universe for the multiple chances that were granted to us all throughout these ten years. i thank fate that like us, it never gets tired of giving us chances as much as we never get tired of making use of them.

it's been a decade of love. and it is indeed fitting that we're celebrating it this year, not via skype or viber or tango or kakao talk or whatnot. this time around, we're gonna be together. it's gonna be live. it's gonna be real.

and, to our greatest relief and pleasure, our countdown will soon be over. :)

hello 2013

say what you mean and mean what you say. appreciate things that made you smile and give credit when it is due. say "thank you" for the favors given and "sorry" for the pain you caused.

in retrospect, life doesn't require much from me & you. :)

2013, you don't have to be good to me. i better be good to you.