why do i want to become a mother

i am 25, my sister is 26. we are past the age when our mom had her first baby, Ate that is. she was only 21.

we talk about our diets, our jobs, our friends, our two younger siblings, our plans and dreams and hopes, our frustrations and fears, the men we liked and loved and lost. the men that we are bound to find (or the other way around).

my sister thinks the world is cruel and that everyday you have to look after your safety. she said these are one of the reasons why she doesn't want to bear a child and have a family of her own. i thought about that and inquired, "well then, given the chance, would you have wished that you weren't born in this world that you think is cruel?"

i have long accepted that the world has a plethora of atrocity. but i believe and witnessed, too, that the same world we are talking about is beautiful. i wouldn't go through a list of why it is. you know it. we all have our hundred and one reasons, and i guess everyday we find one or two more additions as to why it is worth-living. point is, every child deserves to live on earth. afterall, it is the only livable place there is, so why not live it.

she once asked me why do i want to marry, really. and i, in all confidence and certainty, answered: i am destined to become a mother and wife. i think. i feel it.

it thrills me to have little gazelle and little i-don't-know-him-yet-but-i-will-eventually crying, giggling, grinning a toothless grin and sucking their big toes like gymnasts. don't you find it adorable when babies do that? God, my heart melts everytime i see one.

i know motherhood is not just about adoring them, looking at them lovingly and posting their pictures and videos on facebook or instagram everytime they sneeze or laugh or speak their first words.

motherhood has a whole lot of daunting and challenging things in store for every woman. and so is wifehood. and i want to explore, experience and do all those things.

i want to bring children to this world and raise them, guide them, inspire them. i want to be someone who'll be there to celebrate their every milestone. i want to be the first person they'll run to for every bruised knee. i want to be the one to assure them that this world is fine and everything is. and when they grow up, i'd still be that person they can run to for bruised ego and the same person who'll remind them that defeat is okay.

i want them to know that i am trying to be a perfect person for them, but that they don't have to try to be one for me.

i want them to realize that even before they were born, i loved them. genuinely. madly. already.

and this cruel world? we'll live it together and perhaps when we do, it's gonna be less evil.