mystery is messy

a man greeted me bonjour and i replied hours later with bonsoir. he asked if i speak french. i said no, i googled it of course.

my friend snorted and told me i don't have any air of mystery in me. is that a bad thing? what is mystery for exactly?

mystery, to me, invites assumptions and interpretations that will either be an underestimation or an exaggeration, if not downright wrong. then you would need to make the necessary clarifications and break false impressions after. it's messy. it's troublesome. and i don't want any of that. if there is something we can do to make things clearer, lighter and much easier, why wouldn't we do it?

i am a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of woman. i won't keep a man guessing when my next mood swing will be. i don't like giving people a hard time thinking there is something more to the words i say. there are no undertones. i'm upfront and ridiculously straightforward. i like it like that, even though not everyone does. 

i am in no business sugarcoating hard to swallow bitter truths. i won't feign shrewdness over honesty. i won't pretend to know something i don't. i let my hair down and walk around with my strengths and vulnerabilities along with me. i don't keep so much pride in my body.

if one day soon i'm on to the dating scene, i'd like to establish honesty above everything else.

my favorite seasons

at some point in my childhood, i wished to live in a country where i can experience all four seasons: winter, spring, summer and fall. and i break into a song. that song. they all sound exciting. i even used to believe then that the people in the US are the luckier ones. they're lucky their world is lovelier, more colorful, and there are a whole lot of things to do in every season's transition.

i live and work in singapore for more than two years now -- a country three-hour plane ride away from my own. the seasons are no different. it could only be either sunny or rainy. that's all.

but there are actually more seasons in this world than those i already know, marvel and used to dream about. they are not only limited to physical, visual and superficial experiences. there is no way for me to enumerate or even put a name to all of them but what i do know is that it doesn't matter at all wherever country we are in.

this is the season of  perseverance, faithfulness and inspiring women, all three like puzzle pieces completing each other. i've seen how these women were robbed off of stability and comfort. i have seen them struggle, fight and believe that everything will pay off soon after, that every bad thing means something good is bound to happen. i have been very privileged to be a friend, to witness their journeys and hear their stories firsthand.

this is the season of answered prayers. the kind of answers that will make you believe ever more strongly that there is a God who listens and who knows exactly when to give in to our heart's plea. His timing doesn't always work to our convenience, it's something we don't often understand, but it's always right.

being kind over being right.

as much as i would like to keep my faith in humanity, there are days when doing so is just not easy.

i don't understand why some people prefer to give others a hard time when they can actually turn the situation around and be of help. i wonder how badly life has been treating them to always think of getting even.

i am not always good. there are days when pain and anger get the better of me that i intentionally refuse to be kind. there are days when i am so caught up by morning rush and busy life that i miss out the chances of helping others along the way. there are days when i feel rotten after passing by an old lady struggling to cross the street and i did nothing. there are times when i regret not letting someone share my umbrella with me when it's raining. days when i am so much in a hurry and i don't even have a minute to spare to do these random acts of kindness. days when i have alibis.

i am not always good. but i always try. because i've got nothing to lose.

some days, let's forget about the protocols and SOPs and parameters. life is not easy, but sometimes we are placed in a privileged part of making someone's life a little bit lighter. and even if at first you think you're doing them a favor, in the end you'll realize, the pleasure is actually yours. all yours.

you were my favorite crying shoulder.

some days, i don't need much. sometimes, all i need is just that.

kids at (my sister's) work.

remember the day when you graduated in kindergarten and you were obliged to step up the stage and say what you want to become when you grow up?

i wanted to become a teacher. but people change and so do dreams. i pursued something and became something else other than what i pursued all together.

i was reminded of that dream when i visited my preschool teacher sister at work yesterday. it was quick but i really had a swell time. there is just something about spending time with the kids. they make you feel young and alive and loved. i love it that most of them are welcoming, trusting and unafraid of people they only saw for the first time. they are even generous to give away free hugs and kisses. and they make you realize, without meaning to, that sometimes, in life, it won't hurt to be like a child and be young again.

 

the year that was and the year that is.

my friend and i kiss 2013 goodbye.

2013 is over and i can only look back to so many things that conspired to the year that was -- to friendships that just got stronger, to unceremonious goodbyes, to sincere forgiveness, to hopeful beginnings and lots of leaps of faith. if there's one big thing that sums up my entire 2013, it was that my faith was tested to its strongest. it was a crazy year and it drove me to the craziest i can ever be. but it was beautiful. i consider it the best year of my life by far.

now, i welcome the year that is, hoping that it will exceed every good thing about the past year. it's a tall order but of course it just got to be better.

my part in making it a better year, breaking last year's record, is by creating and commiting to new year's resolutions. i'm a big believer of new year's resolutions so here goes my list for 2014.

judge less. practice patience. smile more. commit to an exercise. save a lot. read more. write more -- believe that you're good at it. spend less time on internet. speak up. say things -- but don't gossip. be ridiculously straightforward -- and don't be sorry about it. get more first-time experiences. drink more water. indulge in sweet lattes. try a new hairstyle. give more -- give your all. help a stranger -- at least once a day. give genuine honest compliments -- without being an ass-kisser. welcome new people. make new close friends -- and keep the old ones closer. look out for inspiring people -- and stay away from the toxic ones. assert yourself. be brave. make mistakes -- and make sure you learn from them. cry hard. laugh harder -- laugh a lot. sing out loud -- let them stare. be carefree. be mad. dress up. think deep. be shallow. spend christmas at home. give thanks. give love. find love. be proactive. give chances -- and take chances. you'll never know what is until you give in.

and most importantly, keep the faith -- to anything and everything. in Him.