the essence of christmas

i love christmas. it's my favorite time of the year.

three christmasses passed with me being away from my family and really good friends from home. i celebrated those three times with different group of people each year. i think that's one more inconvenient thing about working abroad, it's hard to establish permanence. friends change jobs, residences and even relationship statuses. one good friend who i used to celebrate my first christmas here with (she's single then) celebrated christmas this year with her lover. unlike my family at home who will always be around, my foster family here changes almost every year. the past two christmasses were more comforting than the first since my elder sister is already working here in singapore too.

i miss celebrating christmas in the philippines and i very much look forward to christmas next year. i'm coming home for it. but this is not to say that i am not happy celebrating it here. i am thankful that the filipino community takes extra effort to make everyone of us feel home. catholic groups coordinated with different parishes here so we can still practice our tradition of simbang gabi. i saw from a friend's facebook post that she's also attending simbang gabi in dubai. the filipino spirit truly lives on wherever country we are in.

i know how much it means to celebrate this season with our real family. but growing up and growing old, it became rare and something we can only wish for. one of your parents or maybe both of them are working overseas for many years now, or like my family, one or more of your siblings are working abroad. you may all be separated and scattered all over the world, but it could be just temporary. you'll always have the chance to be together even for just one christmas someday if you all will it to happen. or if that can't really be possible, you can always make a phonecall or videocall. and you just have to make the most out of that.

my father died five days before christmas in 2008. this is the sixth christmas without him around. there is no christmas to look forward to that we are going to be a complete family, ever again.

celebrate this season to the fullest, enjoy the company of whoever you are with, remember what you have and do so with a thankful heart. focus on the good, on whatever is beautiful, on whatever it is that makes you smile, because what you focus on amplifies. and when you truly think of what you have, you'll realize you have so much, so much that it overflows, so much that you would want to reach out to others and give whatever you can give.

and that is the essence of christmas -- giving, forgiving and thanksgiving. 

spirit of christmas and the filipino spirit

it's almost Christmas and what follows shortly after that is the end of this year and the coming of the next. it's my third Christmas away from home. the third time that i'll be welcoming another year without my whole family around. i remember i was very emotional the first time -- younger and emotional. although i was surrounded by happy people and good friends, i knew i was lonely somehow.

i am not as emotional and as lonely now, but i promised myself i'll be home for Christmas next year. i want to feel again how much different it is celebrated there. i want to be enthralled by the good cheer that enfolds the entire country. i want to see the happy faces of my family and friends and even that of a stranger's. i want to experience how Christmas is a season of get-togethers, gift-giving and thanksgiving.

every year, a few months back before Christmas, our country experiences one terrible storm or two. we have it worst this year. and my heart bleeds for the victims. my abhorrence for the government officials who make it harder for the people to recover and bounce back faster gets stronger one news after another.

it's mind-boggling how filipinos remain resilient and faithful and how altruistic and giving ordinary men can be even with the selfishness and heartlessness of the privileged and powerful few.

generally, filipinos are beautiful people -- beautiful and strong. and i'd like to focus on them. i love seeing them whenever i go home. i want to see and feel their strength, positivism, resilience and faithfulness and take them all in. because, really, these are the very things that will keep you going when you're living and working in a faraway foreign country.

 

understanding death and something else

some news feel so surreal lately, they get my thoughts in total flux.

in a matter of six months, three of my highschool schoolmates died. two younger than me and one the same age as i am. accidents. all sudden. all young lives gone without a warning.

then there was this paul walker's story in the headlines. although i am not as affected by his death unlike the other deaths since i don't know him personally, it is equally untimely, unfortunate and appalling.

point is, life is short, even shorter than how we anticipated it to be. and i wonder if by any chance, they were ready. (i know, at such young age, it can't be possible. but who knows. maybe.) if at any time, they have loved mightily and have been loved back the same way. if they have lived their lives fully.

this life, no matter how interesting and amazing it is, we all know it can't go on forever. but we're all guilty of neglecting this part of our mortality.

we can't be too preoccuppied and allow the sun to set without really stopping for a while and enjoy the beauty of sunset (if it's your kind of thing, that is), thinking that tomorrow brings another sunrise and just another sunset, thinking that we have so many chances left. we can't just wait for the perfect time to do what we ought to do. we can't just be passive. we've got to start looking for that specific something that we ever wanted to find.

so i thought of not wasting any of my free time, my work off, lying in bed in my room.

i went on a night out with my closest girl friend -- to dance the night away, get a glass of free rosé and meet one nice guy (or two).

one french guy danced with me. and in a place as sexually-charged and as alcohol-filled as a night club, things happen. it's like one thing you'll check off your bucket list: french kissing a french guy. i thought it would be sweet and nice and heavenly (i do have too much expectations in life, don't i?) turned out, it felt gross. 

on the way home, all i wanted to do was brush my teeth and drink a glass of mouthwash.

i thought of my past lover. it saddened me to remember how completely different i felt with him.

i think i'm stuck. or my pursuit in finding that ever-elusive one true love just got harder.