understanding death and something else

some news feel so surreal lately, they get my thoughts in total flux.

in a matter of six months, three of my highschool schoolmates died. two younger than me and one the same age as i am. accidents. all sudden. all young lives gone without a warning.

then there was this paul walker's story in the headlines. although i am not as affected by his death unlike the other deaths since i don't know him personally, it is equally untimely, unfortunate and appalling.

point is, life is short, even shorter than how we anticipated it to be. and i wonder if by any chance, they were ready. (i know, at such young age, it can't be possible. but who knows. maybe.) if at any time, they have loved mightily and have been loved back the same way. if they have lived their lives fully.

this life, no matter how interesting and amazing it is, we all know it can't go on forever. but we're all guilty of neglecting this part of our mortality.

we can't be too preoccuppied and allow the sun to set without really stopping for a while and enjoy the beauty of sunset (if it's your kind of thing, that is), thinking that tomorrow brings another sunrise and just another sunset, thinking that we have so many chances left. we can't just wait for the perfect time to do what we ought to do. we can't just be passive. we've got to start looking for that specific something that we ever wanted to find.

so i thought of not wasting any of my free time, my work off, lying in bed in my room.

i went on a night out with my closest girl friend -- to dance the night away, get a glass of free rosé and meet one nice guy (or two).

one french guy danced with me. and in a place as sexually-charged and as alcohol-filled as a night club, things happen. it's like one thing you'll check off your bucket list: french kissing a french guy. i thought it would be sweet and nice and heavenly (i do have too much expectations in life, don't i?) turned out, it felt gross. 

on the way home, all i wanted to do was brush my teeth and drink a glass of mouthwash.

i thought of my past lover. it saddened me to remember how completely different i felt with him.

i think i'm stuck. or my pursuit in finding that ever-elusive one true love just got harder.