my love affair with the guitar.

for three days now it's the first thing i want to lay my hands on every morning and the very last thing i want to hold at night. i find it hard to get myself to sleep right away even after past midnight because i want to learn to play it the soonest i can. even with my now growing calluses, i feel the need to continue learning, memorizing & practicing the chords. this part i don't find too difficult. i'm good in memorization if i want something so bad. the only trouble i'm having is the strumming part. my timing sucks. and for so many times i sigh & almost cry in frustration. funny how my housemates constantly remind me to take it slow and easy. of course i know that. to me, it's just an impulse to sigh in resignation whenever i don't get something right. but this doesn't mean that giving up is an option. of course i know that i can't expect myself to be good only after a few times of practice, most especially that i'm learning it on my own.

i get frustrated many times. i kind of hate it that my fingers are too small that they hurt everytime i need to extend one finger to one fret and one on another just to get the chord right. my voice is not even exemplary that knowing how to play an instrument poses no definite logic and sense.

but believe it or not, for three days now, i like the emotion that stirs restless inside me (or is is just inside my head?). so this is how it feels like to want something so frickin' bad. i can't remember the time when i last felt that. it's a sensation that revs me up sometimes in a bad pressuring way, but most of the time in a good inspiring one. i want this and i want to keep on feeling this feeling.

i may continue learning or i may lose interest in the end. i am not really sure. truth is, i don't expect myself to be an expert guitarist. but this is something i'll enjoy while the drive lasts.

good thing i'm usually alone in the house that i don't have to worry about disturbing anyone with the noise i'm making.

yeah. especially on the first two days, i am so terrible in this that all i hear is noise from all the strumming. but i know, one day, i'll stop making noise and i'll start making music.

i promise, i will.:)

missing home tonight.

i looked at my brother's and sister's and nanay's most recent pictures tonight. and it's apparent that they are months older, more than half a year even, without me around.

i looked at nanay's face. though she has that distinct awkward childlike grin in her face there is no denying that she's not getting any younger. what with another year added to her just five days ago.

i wonder how many OFWs braved it and survived it. the challenge of being away from their loved ones. i wonder how alvin's mom successfully go through it year after year after year. it must be easier for me since i am just a sister and a daughter. but not to her. she's a mother. and leaving behind her son at a very fragile state as a baby, not being able to watch him grow, not being there when he uttered his first word, when he walked his first step, when he had his first crush--it must be excruciatingly painful to her. the vacations on a yearly or every other year's basis with it's days numbered is pretty much the best they can claim, hoping it can somehow compensate to the years that passed them by.

nothing in the world can quite appease me on moments like this, when i miss my family more strongly than ever. sure, there is easy access of twitter and facebook and phonecalls to bridge the gap and to somehow heal one's homesickness. still, all these bridges only prove effective and helpful for a few couple of hours. after it runs out its effect, it leaves me missing them more.

i'm actually not really happy about not attending my brother's graduation and not being personally there to talk to him about his plans and actions after that. i wish i can be right there where he is to offer him the best encouragement that i can give.

truth is, i can easily file a vacation leave and fly back home if i wish to see them. only that i'm starting to allocate most of what i have to a future i'm starting to create.

for now, i have to muster a great deal of self-control to not impulsively and recklessly go home. i have to steer clear on that. the next time i'll be home, it's gonna be well-planned and i'll be all ready. it won't only be a 5-day vacation but a longer stay i hope. and i'll make the most of it.

i promised to attend my youngest sister's graduation next year (like how i promised my brother). but the odds will be better then and this time, i'll be able to fulfill it.

and along with this clear plan, i also promise myself that when i get to have my own family in the future, i wouldn't be unavailable and distant to my kids and husband. i won't, by all means, allow it. because life, i learned, is too short and precious to be away from your loved ones. and many times there are special moments with them (you wish) you wouldn't miss for the world.

hunger games.

i am halfway through the story when i started reading it again today. and i actually devoted my first eight waking hours into finishing it, stopping only for breakfast, three bathroom breaks, and that little exchange of pm's with alvin.

i'm a useless person today for staying in bed to read. but i'm pretty satisfied at how i spent today's work-off.

everytime i finish reading a good book, i get a sense of accomplishment. and just like any great sequeled one, finishing book one just makes me crave for more -- to get a hold of the second installment asap!

it's been so long since i had a good read, since i actually held a real book in my hand, turning it's crisp pages one after the other. reading stuff online made me miss such experience so much.

i've got to read a real book more often. i need to will myself to.

it's terrible to be a woman!

i say it every month. because it happens every month.

i'm planning to write about it myself, but the pain is just too much that i can't think straight and all i'm aware of is this terrible terrible period that i'll just settle on this one. this captured my exact thoughts and feelings anyway.

but when i come across pretty clothes like this, i forget the pain for a second and i feel like i can hop out of the bed to go hunting and shopping for it! and it makes me realize it's still wonderful to be a woman. at least i have the license to wear stuff like this!