christmas is coming

i smell, feel and see christmas. yes, even in a chinese country like sg, christmas is celebrated. though not as highly, as grand and as fancy as how it is in rp.

whenever this mood begins to set, happiness, excitement, good vibes follow. but now, the looming holiday somehow saddens me. i wish i can spend the day with my family. i wish i can celebrate it with alvin around (since 25th is also our day each month). i wish i can look forward to exchanging of gifts with my best girlfriends. i wish i can organize a get'together for my highschool friends.

there are so many things i can only wish now. *sigh*

it is at this time of the year (yeah, as if i've been away for a year already) that i find workers abroad amazing, especially now that i am in their shoes.

i wonder how many christmases passed them by. i wonder how they were able to keep their strength and sanity intact.

as for me, it's gonna be my first. and i've got to find out how to survive this season with, hopefully, little sadness, and more good cheer.

superhuman no more.

i love being responsible. it energizes me. it empowers me. it keeps me alive. i even think i was born to be such.

but sometimes too, i hate it. sometimes it tires me. it rarely happens, but it does. it tires me to be the person whom people depend on. i get tired of making decisions for others, for setting plans for them, for being the first person they run to.

sometimes, i just want to sit back and see things happen without my full cooperation. i want to get things done and problems resolved with little participation on my part. or maybe sometimes i just need someone who'll take care of things instead of me. someone i can depend on and lean on when i'm all too tired and overwhelmed. someone whose opinions i'll value, whose decisions i'll submit to, whose diskarte i'll bow down to.


yeah. it's just me, tired physically and mentally, speaking.

i am a sister, and a potential killer.

few days ago, my baby sister asked me the question i am not ready to hear. she asked me if she's allowed to have a boyfriend already.

i knew it's coming. she's been showing signs and signals. she's been posting a lot of lovey dovey lines on her facebook wall recently. i didn't mind. i didn't post comments either. i didn't want to react because i wanted to believe it's not anything serious.

i wasn't ready. maybe mine is an exaggerated reaction. my sister is turning twenty next month. her right to be in a romantic relationship has long been overdue, i know. but still, it's not a matter of age, for me.

she'll be past her teenage years a month from now, but i know she's still a little girl--young and carefree.

maybe i just want to give her lessons on love first before she takes the plunge into it. i want her to be emotionally and mentally ready because love is not only about warm-fuzzy-comforting-nice feeling. i want her to know that love is the craziest most dizzying rollercoaster ride, ever. i want her to understand that love is a serious matter. and maybe i was not open to the idea because i don't want her to get distracted now that she has to spend a year more in college before she graduates. i know how crazy and crucial that last year is. and i want her to focus just on that.

maybe i'm too protective of my sister. i don't want some man out there to hurt her feelings. but i know clearly it's something i don't have any control of.

what i do have control of, rather, is my role in her life. i'm her sister. and the best i can be is be her support whenever she needs me. i'll just be there when she's happy or lonely or crazy.

maybe i am wrong about her. maybe she's no longer the baby girl i i've known her to be.

and maybe i have to let her learn her love lessons on her own, like how i've learned them on my own.

and i'll just be around, praying for her and loving her more, and more, and more every single day, ready to kill any man who'll make her cry. ;)

post-birthday blogpost

i know there are many things i want to talk about. but everytime i try to start writing, my thoughts begin to fall off.

i like to talk about my post-birthday emotions. i think i had a lot of crazy ones. especially because of the many touching greetings and unique gifts i got from friends. i'd love to talk more about my housemates, and how wonderful they are.

i'd love to talk more about how hyper i was after seeing joicee's picture posted on my wall, how enthusiastic and gaga i got after accidentally reading alvin's message to ate monette about his surprise birthday gift for me, and the blogpost tets wrote about me and how touched i was after reading it. i'm thinking about writing one for her too, but i'm just too preoccupied to do so.

i know i'm an awesome person in general. but i don't think i am that good to deserve all these. i'm mean, harsh, insensitive and more. and all the people mentioned above know that.

how can i love them less, then? how can i not be lucky and thankful to have them all these years, all these time, for having them stick around?

i'll talk more sometime. my work break is over. gotta go! ��